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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in a marriage - there shouldn't be so much "privacy"

58 replies

ToForgiveIsCanine · 10/07/2014 11:31

DF and I are getting married next June but it's becoming increasingly frustrating that he seems to think so much of his life needs to remain "private " (almost secret) from me. What pisses me off further is that this is a complete contrast to what he expects from me.

The latest one is that his mum has just given him £5k. Great. We've discussed it, I've said it's his money, he decides what happens to it etc etc and he's insisted he'll use it to sort our finances. Lovely. Now I've just seen a "private" skype conversation (it popped up when I put the computer on) where he's told his son that grandma is also giving him and his brother £1k each. Again, lovely but why would he not mention it to me? Why keep that private/secret? He knows all about the money my mum gave my kids, why would he not think to mention it like I talk to him about stuff like that? If it was just a one off it wouldn't be so bad but he's done it a few times. His son asked "us" to pay for a car - a big conversation took place over a couple of days between him and DP yet it never got mentioned to me once. I only found out they were discussing it as he left his Facebook open and his son replied whilst I was using the pc.

A few months ago dp came home from picking up his kids and said "looks like ds won't need to stay with us for a week now" ... I was like "eh???" And he said oh ... I told you ex was having an operation and I agreed with her that ds could stay with us whilst she recovered but they've sorted it do it doesn't matter". He did NOT discuss this with me at all.

And then DSS says last weekend "so you're still ok with me and girlfriend coming away with you next year then?" DP mutters "yeah no big deal is it". I say "what's this?" And he says "oh when we go to Bath I said we could take them down at the same time, they won't be staying with us though, don't worry". I should fucking hope not, it's our honeymoon!!!

So yeah he just never involves me. The latest one (him not mentioning to me that his mum has given his kids money and slyly breaking it to them behind my back) has just broke the camels back I think. I tell him everything.

OP posts:
JessMcL · 10/07/2014 13:26

Whoops. My bad, just seen the second post from OP.

In that case I eat my words and apologise.

Run. And fast.

Salmotrutta · 10/07/2014 13:30

Hmm.

I'm with SantasLittle a bit here I think Confused

If I had a pound for everything that DH had neglected/forgotten to tell me over our 30-odd years of marriage I'd be very rich.

He just doesn't give much head space to things that he doesn't consider to be massively important.

CinnabarRed · 10/07/2014 13:31

When did the OP say he "demands total transparency" from her???

Her post of 12:59:18.

Salmotrutta · 10/07/2014 13:33

Although it is bad OP if your DP expects you to tell him everything but doesn't reciprocate -having seen your second post.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/07/2014 13:37

Don't marry this one.

It will not make you happy and it will not end well.

None of what you have said is unreasonable in the slightest.

Gen35 · 10/07/2014 13:38

Have you sat him down and explained the double standards? If you have, and he hasn't listened, that's bad. Otherwise, has he been on his own a long while and just not used to discussing things?

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 10/07/2014 13:39

YANBU

What kind of person invites someone else on holiday without discussing it first? He sounds awful and I think you need to end the relationship.

defineme · 10/07/2014 13:43

I have very different expectations of my relationships.
this may work for some people, but it's obviously not working for you op. It would make me feel like crap and I wouldn't marry him.

redexpat · 10/07/2014 13:45

I wouldnt marry him. communication and trust are crucial, and it doesnt sound as if there is much of either coming from his direction.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/07/2014 14:03

I would have a discussion with your DP about this. Set out some ground rules about communication. I actually don't think the grandmother leaving some money do your adult stepchildren is necessarily something your DP should feel obliged to share with you. It's their (the stepchildren's) business and he genuinely may feel it is private between him and them and, here, that is OK.

The issue re the stepchildren staying while you were in hospital should have been discussed, but, on it's own, it sounds like he may just have forgotten to mention it. Of course he would agree to have his kids in those circs but he should have told you.

Inviting someone on your honeymoon is a big no, no. I would expect him to ask even if they are only getting a lift and staying elsewhere.

The biggest thing is the double standards. Until you can get some agreement on this I wouldn't rush into getting married.

AMumInScotland · 10/07/2014 14:16

Agree with others, the double standard is very worrying.

Some people are just forgetful and insensitive - and you can decide whether or not that's something that outweighs their good points.

But anyone who keeps things secret himself, then 'kicks off' about something relatively trivial that you didn't mention is not applying the same measure to what he thinks you owe him, and what he thinks he owes you.

You are not his equal, in his eyes. His choices matter, yours don't.

If this was me, I'd be having a long serious talk with him about all of this, then giving it a while to see if he is prepared to actually change, and stay changed, before deciding whether or not there is really a future in this relationship. Making it 'legal' doesn't improve these kinds of issues, it tends to make them worse.

DoJo · 10/07/2014 15:16

He got cross that she hadn't mentioned a speculative conversation over a mobile phone - that suggests he at least expects a level of transparency that he does not hold himself to.

DoJo · 10/07/2014 15:17

Absolutely nonsensical cross post from me - please ignore my last post and then this one (in that order!).

trevortrevorslattery · 10/07/2014 15:22

YANBU at all. I just think it's weird that he wouldn't mention stuff like this as part of your normal conversation.

Not that I think he is up to anything.. just that if DH and I had a relationship where we had "privacy" like this, then I wouldn't want to be in it. We are a team - we share stuff.

trevortrevorslattery · 10/07/2014 15:29

I don't get that the OP is saying the DSC money is her "business" or that she wants him to feel obliged to share the information... more that she'd expect this to be the kind of thing that families want to share. And it's not great that he doesn't think the same. I wouldn't marry this person either.

HappyAgainOneDay · 10/07/2014 16:58

OP, have you any idea why he and his Ex split up? Just wondered ................

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 10/07/2014 18:54

Run. Now. He's gas lighting you. Get out and have my first ever LTB

Nomama · 10/07/2014 19:03

Do not run

Retain some dignity and walk away, slowly and maturely, off into the distance, never to be bothered by such tut ever again.

I am not sure I could put up with such self centredness in a relationship - no, I do know I couldn't. It sounds really uncomfortable and I wouldn't be comfortable forever wondering what was hidden around the corner.

A marriage/partnership must have its secrets. I was going to say toilet doors, but then remembered the Scandinavian lack of them, but you know what I mean. Some secrets to keep things special, but your examples are not secrets, they should be out in the open.

SanityClause · 10/07/2014 19:08

Sorry, Morethan, but I don't think this is gas lighting.

Gas lighting is where one peron plays tricks on the other to convince them they are going mad. It's about denying what is real, so that the victim feels they are losing their grip on reality.

This doesn't seem to be what is happening here. The OP's partner just doesn't seem to think he needs to tell her anything - which does imply a huge lack of respect.

So, it's a big problem, but not really gas lighting.

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 10/07/2014 19:25

Which he is doing with the 'but I told you about....' When he blatantly didn't

mumminio · 10/07/2014 19:47

Slightly echoing what others have said; everyone's idea of what should be private/shared is different, but you and your husband should have a common agreement on this.

Nobody's perfect, but when you decide to marry someone, you have to be comfortable with the imperfections you know about. If they are not something you can comfortably live with, don't marry this man.

GarlicJulyKit · 10/07/2014 19:58

I married a man like this. It was a huge mistake. Turned out he had nefarious reasons to be so 'private', but even without that it would have been a mistake. How can you have an intimate relationship with someone who keeps himself to himself?

FWIW, OP, I turned him down at first because of this. He said "I want to change" - I believed him, yet another mistake. Of course he knew how to be open, communicative & sharing. He just didn't want to.

Joysmum · 10/07/2014 20:24

Getting £1000 is a big good news story. Something I would be excited to tell my DH.

At best, it's storage your DF doesn't feel like that Confused at worst I think you both got a very different outlook and expectations and this could well get very serious if you're finding it a problem now, so eat in in your relationship.

I think you've got a lot of thinking to do and a lot of talking to.

PhaedraIsMyName · 11/07/2014 00:33

I can't begin to imagine why you think you have any right to know about money being given to his children by their grandmother or that any of them should discuss it with you.

GarlicJulyKit · 11/07/2014 00:46

Phaedra, you seem to be missing the point that he also neglected to tell OP his son was coming to stay, that the older son & partner are coming on honeymoon with them, and that he expects OP to tell him everything about her life.

Power imbalance. Dangerous.