To ask you how we can help young carers

[Wooodpecker]

I am watching a TV programme about young carers. There is a 6 year old boy called Tyrese who is the main carer for his disabled mum. That's the same age as my son. Its truly shocking.He is loading the washing machine, washing dishes and fetching drinks and tablets. He is the same age as my son who spent his time after school playing minecraft and making Lego.

I spent my day feeling sorry for myself as my job is dull and unfulfilling. What a completley selfish idiot I am.

There are an estimated 700000 similar children with the under 7s making up the fastest growing group. How can this society accept that? I am appalled at how self centred we are. I want to help but don't know where to start.

How can we call ourselves an advanced society if we let this happen?

Have any of you got any ideas on where or how I could help?

What can we do as a collective to make a difference?

Again, with the fuck of squiggly brigade.
You attitude is abominable, completely lacking in empathy or knowledge.

Your

I'm watching this on catch-up and very moved by it. I was a relative's main carer between the ages of 16 and 18 and that was difficult enough. The children featured in this programme, and thousands of others, have so much responsibility so young.

As I said, it's not about punishing the parents. It's about what's best for the child. Being in that position is not what's best for them. When you become a parent it's about your child's rights. Not yours.

Did I say disabled people should have kids? No. I think disabled people should be allowed to have as many kids as they want. Don't twist my words.

I said disabled people should not be allowed to rely on their kids. I know lots of people that are disabled and can take care of themselves through carers, programs, and benefits programs. Their children have never factored into that.

Like I said, if their kid was removed from the situation and they could not take care of themselves, I fail to see how they could take care of a child when they can't get themselves sorted.

There is a huge, huge huge huge difference between taking up extra necessary chores and being a child that has to take on a parental role.

It is harmful to the child, and it's selfish of the parent to put them in that position. Why your child shouldn't be your parent

As I said, it's not about punishing the parents. It's about what's best for the child. Being in that position is not what's best for them. When you become a parent it's about your child's rights. Not yours.

Did I say disabled people should have kids? No. I think disabled people should be allowed to have as many kids as they want. Don't twist my words.

I said disabled people should not be allowed to rely on their kids. I know lots of people that are disabled and can take care of themselves through carers, programs, and benefits programs. Their children have never factored into that.

Like I said, if their kid was removed from the situation and they could not take care of themselves, I fail to see how they could take care of a child when they can't get themselves sorted.

There is a huge, huge huge huge difference between taking up extra necessary chores and being a child that has to take on a parental role.

It is harmful to the child, and it's selfish of the parent to put them in that position. Why your child shouldn't be your parent

Squiggly, who are you to say what's best for me, or my siblings, or any other young carer? Had I been dragged away from a happy life with my parents and forced into care, my life would've been 10000000x worse. Who's going to adopt a 16 year old girl?

I've had to try and talk both of my parents out of committing suicide. I seem to have come out of it relatively well-balanced.

TheFairyCaravan, don't let someone so ignorant get to you. You have had no choice and because of his experience your DS2 will be accepted as soon as he has the necessary A levels!

They are asking the question of what tasks children find the most difficult. On a solely practical, physical level, the task I remember as being the trickiest was regularly putting anti-embolism stockings on to the person I was caring for. Plus she was a strict Christian, so I couldn't even swear!

Squiggly, who are you to say what's best for me, or my siblings, or any other young carer? Had I been dragged away from a happy life with my parents and forced into care, my life would've been 10000000x worse. Who's going to adopt a 16 year old girl?

If I remember your story correctly, you had outside help from your mother's friend. Not the same thing. You had a support net. If you weren't there your mother still would have been able to take care of herself because of her friend. You don't apply to the situation I'm describing.

The children I'm talking about are the sole carer for the parent. There is no other safety net, no DH to be the main carer, no outside friend to stop by while the kids pick up a little extra slack.

What happens if these kids get sick? How can these parents who have no means of even taking care of themselves take care of their kids? It's not a healthy situation. You're putting kids in a position of power that they aren't developmentally ready for, and that's going to harm them.

I have family that had to take care of their depressed suicidal mother. I genuinely believe they would have turned out better and less fucked up if someone intervened on their behalf.

Where have you heard 'my story'? This is the first time I've properly posted about being a young carer, and my parents have very few friends where we live and no family around - certainly no-one who could take over if needed.

I'm not fucked up at all, so you can't generalise like that.

Actually, come to think of it, how fucking dare you assume you know my story, and make up facts to suit your agenda?

I don´t have time to post tonight, but I will come back tomorrow.

I am "ex" child carer from the age of 6 to 21, I am also work in the medical profession and I fight like mad, on behalf of every child carer I come across BOTH in my PROFESSIONAL capacity and in MY PRIVATE life, not because they need to be taken into care but because they need help and I am very well placed to be able to offer help because I KNOW what they are going through.

This is an age old problem, I´m talking 20 to 30 years back and I have a friend that was in a similar (if not possibly more serious situation) going back 65 years. There is NO quick fix, but everyone can help what most people would consider easy simple tiny things, can be a HUGE difference in a young carers life. eg, a home cooked meal in the freezer = not having to cook tonight and being able to grab a little down time, study time, etc. etc.

Be the change you want to see in the world, young carers are helping their parents but that doesn´t mean that you can´t help them.

Squiggy: I have one thing to say, One accident, one trip, fall, one nasty little various, one serious medical condition and you maybe in the same boat as the 1000´s of people being looked after by young carers and trust me the solution is NEVER removing them from their HOME and family its to HELP them get either in accessing support, young carers groups or directly.

SORRY virus not various dam auto correct and typing too fast on my break!

SquigglySquid-If you live in the UK, I don't believe for a minute that you know lots of people who are disabled but don't need any help from their children because of all the state support they receive. That just doesn't happen.

Unless you are actually stupid enough to think parents have made themselves disabled and/or have refused outside help I don't see how you can justify your argument that it's the parents fault their children are carers.

Thanks MamaTJ. I know he will, and he'll be a brilliant nurse.

Squiggly. No-one could have taught my children better values or morals than me. No-one could have supported them through school better than me. No-one could have cared for them and nurtured them better than me. Yes, then have to do caring duties for me. Am I happy about that? Hell no, but there is no-one else when DH is not around. That is not my fault, that is the government's fault. They are slashing the budgets for home care so savagely that soon the elderly won't have care. If you want to get angry at someone, get angry at them, not at the very people they are hurting the most already!

Hard not to rise to it isn't it?! I kind of wish I hadn't bothered to write my long post as it was to inform and I should know by now that these threads tend to descend into inflammation, vs information.

Anyway, newname good points :)

Its the perilous and precarious existence which means life is only one step away from totall collapse at any point.

MichallaneousAssortment. The only way to combat the inflammatory posters is with solid hard fact, information and a good dose of hope!

Young Carers are the MOST amazing, wonderful people (and I say this not because I WAS one) but because I come into contact with 100´s every year. They are erudite, caring, switched on, yes they are carrying a burden and by definition a burden shared is easier to carry, but they carry that burden with grace and dignity not because they HAVE to but because they WANT to (perhaps this is something that only a yc or someone being cared for can understand, but is a VERY important difference).

Without exception their parents should be very proud of their children not because are ill (I have yet to met a person being cared for by a young carer that wouldn´t give ANYTHING for it not be that way) but because they have raised wonderful compassionate, erudite, loving and respectful children that know they are loved.

Right I have to go, tomorrow I will post properly

If you want to help, a couple of organisations to research :

Carer's Trust
Dementia Friends

Watch the Dementia Friends video on their website / register to become a Friend.

Only became aware of the DF campaign v recently - hoping to get really involved with cause.

Did a bit of work with CT recently too - truly awesome charity, for some reason not so well known as some (not well known enough!)

I do agree, it just gets tiring writing the same types of things over and over again - and wondering who's staring at me thinking the same things in rl.

However mumsnetters have given me lots of support over the years saying just that - that children of disabled parents are amongst the most empathetic, thoughtful and broad minded children.

I just hope I can keep him carefree and without a grown up burden on those tiny shoulders of his.

Actually, come to think of it, how fucking dare you assume you know my story, and make up facts to suit your agenda?

Must be someone else I was thinking of then. :)

In any case, I stand by what I said. Children should not be taking care of adults. I'm afraid we'll just have to agree to disagree.

I've worked with many young carers and when they get the right support, they grow up to be empathetic, open minded, caring, generous and thoughtful individuals. Better that than them growing up to spew bile on Internet forums. :)

^Children should not be taking care of adults. I'm afraid we'll just have to agree to disagree.^

None is disagreeing with you. No child should be forced to shoulder a grown ups responsibility. But why are you blaming the disabled parent? Or the evil neglectful selfish scrounger or however you'd care to describe them.

Interesting you don't seem inclined to reply to the posts explaining the unfortuneate reality of their circumstances. But you'd rather blame them all than engage with that yes?

Reality detracts from a good ol stereotype, it's very inconvenient but I'm sure you can find a way to ignore it.

Become a befriender to the person that needs caring for, so the young carer can have some respite. It's lovely that people want to organise trips and treats for young carers, but I bet that having a reliable hour or two "off duty" each week just to chill out at home would mean just as much.

Squiglgly it's all well and good to say we'll just have to disagree, but you are not thinking about this from the viewpoint of a child who probably doesn't want to be removed from his/her parent. Neither are you thinking of it from the point of view that no government has ever provided enough to enable those who have few choices. My dh is severely disabled, I used to have two hours respite care a week. I get none now. Doesn't much look like I'll be getting any in the near future. Should I become ill, our children would have to help. The fact that the youngest are 17 (twins), is not remotely relevant. The fact that the government has removed the Independent Living Fund is very, very relevant.