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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think no you had your chances

67 replies

moolady1977 · 09/07/2014 17:28

oldest ds is 14 has been getting into trouble at school out of school being a total pita well about 6 weeks ago we found out he had been wagging it were called into school for a meeting now the thing is we said the small consequences were not bothering him so we said right next time you wag school we get rid of 1 of your bearded dragons (he has 3,, day to day looking after feeding cleaning out is left to me and dh as he cba ), we had a phone call today from school its sports day and community day but guess what he is wagging it and then lies to us about it , dh says the beardy is going and yes i agree in a sense but our ds is laid on his bed crying because he doesnt want him to go ,this is after ive had to chase him round our estate because he had hit his sister aibu in saying i agree with his dad the beardy goes or do i go against his dad and 1 cause a row and 2 let ds walk all over me

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 09/07/2014 18:03

He sounds really unhappy, removing his pet isn't really going to help is it? Plus as others have said, animals are not disposable.You need to get to the root of what is causing him to skip school and be positive when he does go to school.

ValerieTheVodkaFairy · 09/07/2014 18:10

No way, when you buy a pet you have a responsibility towards that animal. It is not a pawn to use in family disputes. Your son clearly needs a punishment but not at the expense of the lizard's wellbeing. It's a living creature, not a fucking Xbox, If he can't take care of them he shouldn't have had them in the first place.

I don't know what you should do now but make sure it involves minimal disruption and upset to the lizard, and next time use the removal of his phone as a threat

UncleT · 09/07/2014 18:15

Surely you can think of something equally serious but not so drastic? On the other hand, you say he doesn't even look after them from day to day??

NatashaBee · 09/07/2014 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 09/07/2014 18:23

Is there any way you can remove the lizard (as threatened) but give him an opportunity to earn it back? Ask the person in the reptile place not to rehome it for a week/fortnight (maybe pay boarding costs?) so ds can change his ways a bit.

Downamongtherednecks · 09/07/2014 18:25

moolady this doesn't have to be a total loss as a threat. What about saying "I told you I would take the dragon away. Here is what you have to do to earn him back." I do sympathise with you. Boys this age come across as so grown up, and moody little buggers, but when you see them cuddling their dragon/rat/dog whatever, you see how young they still are! Come up with a list eg Perfect attendance for a month; No violence towards sister for a week etc. And if you have to do it like a toddler reward chart, so be it! Give him the chance to earn back the pet he obviously loves.

Downamongtherednecks · 09/07/2014 18:26

x post with oldlady !

DogCalledRudis · 09/07/2014 18:44

That's awful. Why does a pet have to suffer? That's not a toy or a phone. And a "perfect" sense of responsibility.

Shallishanti · 09/07/2014 18:50

yes, earning the lizard back is a good compromise- but you have to be crystal clear what he has to do

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/07/2014 18:51

I'd get shot of 3. 1 is just weird. Not sure I'm keen on pets used this way...

Itsfab · 09/07/2014 19:07

Given he doesn't give a toss about the animal it is a silly consequence and a pointless one.

He skives off school, lies and hits his sister. I think grounding, no screens, extra chores and head down to catch up on school work is the right way to go imo.

Original poster
moolady1977 · 09/07/2014 19:08

to those who offered advice thanks we have come to a compromise and yes the beardy stays but the ds is gonna think twice about wagging school again(hopefully) he had no techie stuff left to take away so he is grounded until they break up for summer holidays we are doing the reward chart with him and he has also got to take on some chores like pot washing and taking rubbish out this is in addition to being sole carer for his beardies ,,, hubby not too happy can see there being a bit of a row but he will live

OP posts:
Itsfab · 09/07/2014 19:15

What does your husband want to happen then?

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 09/07/2014 19:15

Good luck. :) The teen years can be awful, but they don't last forever.

LongTimeLurking · 09/07/2014 19:25

Getting rid of a pet as punishment? Shock

Severe consequences yes, but this is wrong and unreasonable.

Topseyt · 09/07/2014 19:28

Pets are not disposable like that. Take the beardies and keep them for yourselves away from him until he can learn to behave better.

I told my children that if I ever found they had skipped school or bunked off lessons that they would then have to put up with me publicly frogmarching them into school every day and personally handing them over to their form tutors, or even to the headmaster.

You keep the beardies as I said, for now anyway. Tell him that as he doesn't seem able to find the school you will be driving him there or walking with him and making a show of personally handing him over, just as if he was still in reception (he is still behaving like a 4/5 year old).

maddening · 09/07/2014 19:30

Say it is going up for sale or rehoming but he has the chance to earn him back - chores etc and is there any way of taking him to and from the school gates for the rest of term - with chances to regain trust.

maddening · 09/07/2014 19:31

Ha should have rtft :)

FeministStar · 09/07/2014 19:37

I wouldn't take his pets away either, if he is close to them like my DCs are to their pets then it'd be taking away one of the ways that they relax.
Can you think of something else like extra chores round the house? My eldest has to do all the washing up for the next week because of some unpleasant behaviour earlier.

Downamongtherednecks · 09/07/2014 19:39

moolady I just asked my ds (slightly younger than yours) about this and he said "If he's crying in front of the mummy then he really is sorry and loves the dragon a lot because it's FAMILY," Smile. Very glad you have found a way forward, and I hope the beardies are the push your son needs.

queenofthemountain · 09/07/2014 19:43

I think taking away a loved petwhich he may see as part of the family, would be very unsettling for him, and might put into his mind that you would get rid of him just as easily.
Instead of punishing him, I would be rewarding him with xbox time, tv time etc for things he does right - attending school, looking after his pets, household chores.That is a much more positive way to go about things.Also try and create lots of opportunities for him to open up to you about what is going on.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 09/07/2014 20:55

Very strange and inappropriate punishment IMO. When my son was extremely badly behaved over an extended period of time I.e most of year 6, I banned him from going on the residential trip. I wouldn't have dreamt of getting rid of the dog, the dog hasn't done anything wrong.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 09/07/2014 21:27

OP, well I disagree with most people here and I think you should re home the animals purely based on him not bothering with them.

No wonder you dh wants rid if he is the one taking care of them. I think you should let him know he got off lightly this time but needs to prove he is responsible (by going to school) and looking after his pets himself.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 09/07/2014 21:29

Are lizards and a family dog comparable? I won't pretend to be a reptile expert.. but aren't they mostly just concerned with being on a warm rock and not whoever is on the other side of the glass?

JudysPriest · 09/07/2014 21:42

Really, we have two beardies, one is a bitey bastard who jumps out at the cats, the other sits inbetween my boobs getting petted. As individual and lovely as our dog and cats. Wonderful animals.

How is he not looking after them op? Temp check, food, water and a pet. Not like a dog that needs walking for 10 miles and still has energy . They are such a low maintenance pet. Give him a chance with them, but if he neglects them it is the height of lazy and for their well-being should either become your pets, or be rehomed.