AIBU to wish MIL would stop sneaking the kids food.

[themitch21]

I feel like I might need to get a little perspective here but this really winds me up.OH had a call from his mum to say she was popping round and he asked her to come fairly soon as the kids would be having their tea. She's just turned up and while I was upstairs has given the kids a bag of crisps and a full tube of Rowntree's each. I've obviously come down and told them straight away that they can't have them but ended up giving in on the crisps as they were half way through and she kept saying "oh they're only a small bag, barely puffs of air." My OH thinks it's no problem and I should just give the kids their tea later but it really bothers me. She does this all the time, especially giving them sweets before bedtime which I've told her time and again make them go hyper. Should I just let it go as a Grandma thing or am I right to get wound up. Be gentle with me, it's my first post!

YANBU at all
I am a MiL and agree 100% with you.

Accept the sweets graciously, and firmly put them in a tin 'for later.' If they are already eating them, remove the rest of the packet.

Yep, accept and keep for later and tell your kids that's the rules from now on.

Depends how old the DC are. I would expect my older DC (10 and 8) to ask me if they could eat other food they've been given. My youngest (3) would no doubt be half way down the tube of sweets before I caught her.

I'd go with advise above about taking things off them as soon as you're aware but probably let them take one last one.

Update, the kids have now "somehow" managed to get the sweets of the side and gone through both packs. They are 4 and 1. I've asked my eldest who took them and she's blamed her little sister, following which I found a load of sweets in her room. While I'm trying to tell her off for lying my MIL and OH are laughing at her saying "it's what kids do". I know it's what kids do but surely it's our responsibility to teach them it's wrong, not encourage them with positive reinforcement ie. laughing? Ugh, I hate myself for using positive reinforcement in a sentence.

I think your husband needs to realise that what they are all doing here is undermining you in front of your children!

I would just be bold and say to MIL "we are grateful for the treats that you bring the kids, but as they are sweets and snacks I would prefer that they ate them after dinner. I would also like to encourage them to ask before just scoffing them immediately. It would be really great if you could help me out on this, I'm sure none of us want them becoming spoilt do we?"

Yanbu at all. Your mil should have asked you first, especially at dinner time.

I don't think a one year old needs sweets and crisps personally!

I was a bit at 1.

When MIL has gone home and kids are in bed have a chat with OH. Tell him you feel strongly about this and you need a united front. Ask him to step on this for you.

I'd be really bloody annoyed if anyone waltzed in and started handing out crap food to my kids any time of day without checking first, at that age. 'Specially just before dinner.

Ask him to step *UP on this for you.

I think your OH is worse for joining and laughing. He sounds like a real tool

If my DH had done this I would have said, "that's fine darling, you give them their tea when they're hungry and put them to bed, I'm away for a soak in the bath". If he can't support you then he can deal with the kids. Do you all eat at the same time, if so then tell him you prefers to eat together so will all wait until later.

A - don't go upstairs whilst she is there
B - if she hands out treats grab them first and put them somewhere safe until after tea.
C - if she does manage it, do as above and leave them to sort out tea, bath and bed. Or just say 'you two obviously have this covered, I'm off for an early night, you are both wonderful, thanks'.

no way would anyone be giving my kids sweets and crisps at 1 and 4 tbh I would be laying down the law with MIL and DH think of their teeth and health.

As soon as she arrives, smile sweetly and ask her what goodies she has for the kids and could you have them please as I'm sure they will be delighted to have them as a treat after tea or tomorrow if it's bedtime. Do not take no for and answer. Sorry OP but I'm honestly disgusted with your husbands lack of support on this. Good luck.

I think it depends partly on how often it happens. Once a month I would let it go. Once a week or more is definitely out of order.

I think the issue is more your DH than your MIL. You should be parenting as a team. Sit him down and talk it through.

She's gone now so I can relax, aaaahhhhh! Going to sit down with OH and explain that I need his support. I honestly don't think she does it to wind me up (I hope) but enough is enough. Should mention my youngest is 2 next month so not a young 1 yr old but I still don't like her having many sweets, especially not a whole pack. I'll take all of your advice on board and try to be more firm with her but in a way that won't make me "moody" or "too strict". It's a fine line us mums have to walk.

I'm a grandparent, and I always ask before giving my Grandson sweets or anything else. I think that's the right thing to do. I wouldn't necessarily ask my daughter in law though, because I would expect both parents to be on the same page here.
I agree, it would seem as if it is your husband who is the problem.

My grandma always gave me candy when I went over, my parents kept telling her not to. So one day they were tired of fighting it, she gave me sweets and they left her to deal with the hyper toddler running around grabbing everything in sight. She still gave me sweets, but saved it until we were headed out the door as a car ride snack. I love that woman. :)

Depends on how often she comes by to be honest. If it's only once a month or every other week, just chalk it up as a grammy thing. But if she's coming by regularly you need to put your foot down. You two need to be united in front of the kids, not undermining each other like this. Hiding candy (aka: lying) in the room is not acceptable behavior.

If your husband doesn't comply, let him deal with the kids when he puts them to bed and the next day when they're cranky from not getting enough sleep.

I have no qualms whatsoever being the "family misery guts" when it comes to strenuously opposing this kind of thing. I'm actually quite relaxed as a parent tbh and it takes a lot to rile me, however DON'T undermine the few rules that I DO have.

I just say straight out firmly "no chance, it's almost dinner time" and I don't really care what the in laws think. That laughing and "it's what kids do" would have been met with a short "not my kids, stop giving them junk before meals and bed or it's best if you don't come round at those times, you wouldn't have put up with it for your kids MIL, you know you wouldn't, so don't do it with mine"

End of discussion.

nicki - same here.

My outlaws were openly about me sticking to a bed time routine with 3 under 5's and a mostly absent H due to shift work.

But stick to it i did!

The bath and bed routine used to start at 6 and with luck by 7.30 i had a quiet house and time to unwind.

YANBU.

My mil tried this crap a few times. First time was a bag of sweets for a 5 month old. I shit you not.

I just say, 'thanks for the thought, but the DC dont need sweets. I won't be giving them ANY junk food until much much later (and I haven't!), so please don't bring them in future.'

This caused WW3. But as I'm more bothered about my DC health than my selfish MIL's finer feelings, I struggle to give much of a fuck.

I've always been nice with her, but I've NEVER once backed down over this issue. I've suggested she buy DC a small toy if she wants to give a treat instead of obesity and fillings but no, she's fixated on fizzy drinks and E numbers. And I'm the worst person in the world for not indulging her in this.

But she had her kids. That was her chance to do things her way. This is mine.

Anyway, after a few years she is now reluctantly seeming to realise that I mean what I say, and she gives a handful of grapes (which they love!) with a disgusted look on her face like I'm suggesting she feed DC horse shit - but she no longer comments.

So I would get DH onside, and then just take the pleasant zero tolerance stance.

Confiscate everything and lock it away so you can give it at s more appropriate time. Get DH to do the same and tell your children they must ask you before eating anything

My MIL does this, every time. I feel much the same as you, OP, but similarly powerless to stop it as she gives them direct to DD who is 2.2 & now expects it. MIL apparently treated DH & BIL the same when they were little. They all have terrible teeth & weight problems, stemming (I suspect) partly from the constant snacking on sugary rubbish.

It's common sense that you don't give kids sweets before their meal. I'd be getting your husband on line and getting him to tell his mum that in future if she comes before the kids eat she isn't allowed to give the kids junk food before they eat or just before they go to bed. She either gives any food she brings to you or your husband to give out at an appropriate time or she just brings herself and plays with them rather than trying to fatten them up and rot their teeth..
The popping round makes it sound like she's a local granny so the handing out sweets isn't an occasional thing.
The behaviour of your husband would annoy me more than his mother.
In future confiscate all food properly and take it away. Don't argue about it just tell her you're their mother and this is your house and do it.
This isn't normal granny behaviour. She is deliberately being a controlling pain in the bum.