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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit fed up with my mother.

28 replies

Purplelooby · 09/07/2014 10:36

I've always been close to my parents and it was always my plan to come back home and set up family near to them. DM always talked longingly about how much she wanted grandkids and would be all supportive because her parents didn't help her, etc.

I moved 5 minutes down the road from them and when DC1 was born she quit a day of work and spent some time with him. When I went back to work full time I paid her wage to drop a second day of work and she minded DC1 two days a week. It was fab at first, but more and more she started to spend their time together on the ipad or phone. I didn't day anything to that as it's generally a favour to me.

When DC2 came 18 months later I guess I assumed she would keep helping out with DC1 on her days off but she insisted I stop her payment and basically makes any excuse not to see us. Or a more often she will come over on her way back from shopping 'can't stay long my frozens are in the car'. Having 2 under 2 is hard work and people say to use any possible support, but if I ask DM she makes me feel really guilty. I know she's not obliged to visit but I feel very rejected. Eventually she told me that I shouldn't expect her help and made me feel as if I'm some needy person who asks too much -yet I really don't ask that often.

Of course if she does decide to visit she expects me to keep them awake to entertain her and she always say we are welcome at her place, but DC2 is only 16 weeks and is very sensitive, so it's really not that simple. I feel like she doesn't like us anymore - especially given how much she initially wanted to help. She's quite cold with me too.

AIBU to think she should want to come and see them once a week on one of the days off that she chose to have in order to spend time with them?

OP posts:
VSeth · 09/07/2014 10:51

I think maybe your DM underestimated how hard she would find it or maybe didn't expect you to have two so close together? What age did you leave your child to return to work?

You don't mention your partner at all in your OP, Nor your father?

My Mum looks after my nieces and nephew sometimes but really misses my step father when she does, could your Mum be missing your Dad?

Have a chat about this, ask honestly about what, if any childcare she wants to do? Is she not as happy around babies as young children? Would she rather you go to her place?

mommy2ash · 09/07/2014 10:59

I think your mum found it hard to have a small child two days a week and when you had another she realised it would be impossible. I don't think she should take them once a week. it's nice to have a break now and then but quite often in real life I see people who either constantly need a break or constantly lean on the same person and it's all too much.

PosingInManilla · 09/07/2014 11:04

On the other "paying grandparents to look after their grandchildren thread" there were a number of people who said "when I have grandchildren I will beglad to look after them and I will look after them for free". I pointed out that before I had my own children I had many ideas of what kind of parent I would be but dealing with my hypothetical children was a whole differnt thing to dealing with my actual children.

Its sounds as if here the dream has become reality and reality isn't always great.

You acknowledge 2 under 2 is hard work - your mum probably thinks so too! she might not be up to looking after the two of them, but maybe he could so some practcial things to give you a break? Invite you for tea? Do a bit of washing for you?

Dont't get hung up on conversations and promises that happened before you had children - it's there here and now that matters. completely understand though as I took on a massive promotion on the basis my mum said she would do school pick ups which has happened about 5 times in a year

TheWordFactory · 09/07/2014 11:05

I think a lot of older people completely forget how tough small children can be.

They also forget that the role of grandparent is hugely different to the role of child care giver and can be disappointed when they're faced with that fact.

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 11:06

Having 2 under 2 is hard work and people say to use any possible support

I'm sure people do say this: are they the ones offering support?

Your mother is under no obligation to continue childcare she either doesn't want to provide or doesn't feel up to providing, paid or not. She has been honest with you: and in fact you do sound needy and not a little demanding. Okay you have two very little ones and one is only tiny and this is totally understandable, but it is not your mother's responsibility and it does sound like you are trying to guilt her into doing more.

deakymom · 09/07/2014 11:18

move and move on in terms of childcare if she is being cold to you what is the point

we moved closer to family moving away from a village we loved we didn't do it for childcare we did it so the grandparents could visit more easily it sucks they have gone from dropping in occasionally to not visiting EVER and whining about it they work different shifts and late shifts expect us to keep the children up on school nights if they do decide to visit (conversation goes like this well we finish at four so we need to go home have showers get changed eat our food clean the house wash dry iron our work clothes for next week and we will be with you around 7/8 okay by you Hmm no) we have stopped allowing them to do this if they turn up at tea time we eat if they turn up at kids bedtime the kids go to bed end of discussion they get plenty of days off when they could visit they choose not to that is not my fault that is there choice

they are a facebook family they like the pictures say they are "proud" and we never see them ever

redskyatnight · 09/07/2014 11:29

Sounds like she is finding the constant childcare too much.

MIL and FIL look after my niece (pre-schooler) for 2 days a week. It was something they willingly offered and indeed moved to be able to do.
After 2 years of it, they are finding that a whole day is too much and are starting to begrudge how it eats into their ability to go away/what they can do.
Theyve now told BIL and SIL they wont do it any more. Its not because of any lack of caring but I think a lack of understanding as to how much it would drain them.

gotthemoononastick · 09/07/2014 11:30

I also think she did not realise how draining small children are for older people.

I love,love all the children to come as often as possible and help at the drop of a hat if I can.

After a day of reading, playing, rolling and running I need a stiff whisky and early night and I am very active!

CrapBag · 09/07/2014 11:35

I think your mum is regretting giving up a couple of days of work in order to look after her DGC. It sounds like she liked the idea and not the reality.

I wouldn't say she doesn't like you all. You are her DD and they are her DGC. It sounds like she wants the "oh fabulous nanny is here, pay attention to me" for her chosen 5 minutes, then to flit off when she has had enough.

I would find some permanent childcare for when you go back to work (if you are), a child minder perhaps and not rely on your mum. I also wouldn't keep them awake for her visits. If she can't visit at a time that is appropriate to them, then thats her tough luck if she doesn't get to see them. It should be about the convenience for you and your children, not her.

I would honestly do as much as you can without having to rely on her. Get out and about to groups, don't wait for her to visit or put yourself out. She may realise when she doesn't see you all as much but then she may breathe a sigh of relief that she doesn't 'have' to do childcare anymore.

It is a bit shitty of her tbh. To build it up as this big happy family with hands on grandma, then the reality of it changes her mind and makes you feel like shit.

ScouseBird8364 · 09/07/2014 11:44

OP, I can completely empathise unfortunately, only your mum has done a lot more than mine Sad

I'm currently not speaking to mine again, due to this same reason, and cannot get it through to them that they're losing out on so much with my two amazing little boys Angry

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 11:52

I guess I assumed she would keep helping out with DC1 on her days off but did you not discuss this with DM?

I agree with pp the reality often bears little similarity to the imagination.

Perhaps while it was still a pipe dream she was fondly thinking "If DD moves back we'll see each other now and then on impulse and I'll watch her DC growing up" rather than be a source of childcare and provide a service.

Is your DF ever involved, maybe as the DCs get older they'll develop a bond?

Now DC2 has arrived you are looking for support and obviously life with two under 2s is tough but that was your choice. Yes it's a bonus if willing hands are available to help but it's not a given. I lived within five miles of my DM when my DCs were tots and seriously, in 4 years before relocating I could number the times she took mine off my hands for a couple hours' break on both hands. It came as a rude shock tbh when she'd been impatient for GDCs.

I'm sorry but not sure why DC2 being four months' old prevents you from going round to her/their place? But be flexible with the DCs' routines only up to the point you feel suitable. The DCs are not dolls to be wheeled out and played with Nana when DM feels like it.

Original poster
Purplelooby · 09/07/2014 12:44

Thanks for the replies everyone. Just to be a bit more clear - I've got a childminder who is wonderful. I went back at 12 months and it was DM who offered to take DS for the two days. I was quite prepared to sort out full time childcare. DF and DH both work mon-fri 9-5 jobs so they're not around at that time. I've offered to put DS into nursery for her 2 days when I go back but she's said she's happy to mind them. Truth is it's not really about childcare as I've not asked her to actually mind them while I'm on mat leave. It's it's just that she doesn't want to visit them. I try to offer little gentle invites once a week and she'll come over but act like it's under duress!

I get by on my own in the day no probss now I'm settled into it, but I feel sad that she's not wanting to come. fatteningviolet honestly never tried to guilt trip her, not sure where that's come from really.

OP posts:
Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 12:48

Hi Looby

I'm not there and I don't know, but you kind of answer your own question:

fatteningviolet honestly never tried to guilt trip her, not sure where that's come from really

I'm thinking from here

but I feel sad that she's not wanting to come

sort of sounds like you feel she's lacking as a grandma (and who knows. you might be right?)

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 12:50

Just occurs to me that it's weird that I justified my opinion with something you said after I expressed it, so here is where it actually springs from:

AIBU to think she should want to come and see them once a week on one of the days off that she chose to have in order to spend time with them?

5Foot5 · 09/07/2014 12:57

Could she be having an affair? Just thinking of her increasingly spending time on her iPhone and then having something more pressing to do on her days off than visiting you

LemonSquares · 09/07/2014 13:03

I've offered to put DS into nursery for her 2 days when I go back but she's said she's happy to mind them.

If the care she is giving is so poor – ignoring DC for electronic devices - wouldn't you be better off looking for a nursery ? - Perhaps discuss it with your DM as your DS needing more stimulation and socialisation. Everyone might be happier if your Mother did drop offs/ pickups for half days/ full days at nursery.

I do get the not visiting - my family are like that close by but never visiting despite what was said before they were born - similar situation in that she got no help. I don't issue invitations every week - but do put it out there every so often - usually always turned down.

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 13:03

5foot58 you are a minx*, what are you???? Shock Grin

Original poster
Purplelooby · 09/07/2014 13:03

Ha ha foot of you met my mum you'd find that hilarious. No I think it's all about the Facebook. Fatteningviolet I haven't told her that though.

OP posts:
Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 13:03

sorry: 5foot5

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 13:05

I haven't told her that though fair enuffski, and good on ya for that, but she's anything like me and my daughter she will be able to tell anyway!

BreakingBuddhist · 09/07/2014 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Purplelooby · 09/07/2014 16:28

Yes she does seem to have psychic powers sometimes fattening which was very frustrating when I was a teenager!! I think it's because I love her that it hurts so much though. She's really giving me the cold shoulder and I can't tell why. I would ask her but that's when she makes me feel like I'm being needy so I cba... Plus she'll either deny it and be super nice for a week (but then be worse after) or it'll lead to a huge row and I'll be an ungrateful cow.

breakingBuddhist that's so true... I think this is a lot of why any people don't breastfeed past a few weeks.

OP posts:
BreakingBuddhist · 09/07/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Purplelooby · 09/07/2014 21:06

Thank you breakingbuddhist - I'd sort of forgotten that it's okay to want help sometimes Thanks

I realise someone above asked why it's hard to take DD out. She's very sensitive - from 2 months old she has cried if anyone else even looks at her. I do make a point of taking her out once every day but it tends to be something like a baby group, a walk or some shopping. This is partly for DS's sake and partly so she gets used to it, but going to friends' houses seems to be too much. I do go sometimes (including to my mums) but most of my friends are great and come over to us or meet us somewhere. I do have lovely supportive friends and I'm thankful for that.

OP posts:
Igggi · 09/07/2014 21:09

Lovely posts from BreakingBuddhist