to be upset and silently fuming at this?

[bugslife]

I had an invite from a good friend recently for a group girls weekend away recently involving a couple of sleepovers at a two friends houses. We will all share the costs of the food. The email went to about ten people.

At the end of the email, my friend put

‘Bugslife, I am assuming you won’t be staying but it would be great if you can join us’

Quite quickly another email arrived with further details for paying for stuff, sleeping arrangements etc and another direct comment to me

‘BTW Bugslife, I assume you are not free for the weekend sleep over so this doesn’t apply to you, but you are very welcome to join us.'

I immediately felt that I wasn’t really welcome.

The background is that I have two small children, no family help, both were exclusively breastfed as they refused a bottle, DP used to work a lot of weekends away and we have, as you can imagine, been skint the last few years on one salary (though I am going back to work soon, phew) I have had to turn down some invites for meals nights out for out etc for these reasons. However, I do still go out, always turn up for birthdays, gatherings as much as I can, just not out as often as I used to, and not spending lots. Not unlike a lot of people with young families. I have also had nights away more recently (eg family parties). I’m not a hermit.

In addition, about six months ago, an old friend of this group got married abroad. He sent me a card announcing the marriage. I mentioned this to friend (sender of emails) and she told me that a surprise party had been held in the UK when he visited his home city, in his honour. I said I was very sad I didn’t get to go. She then said, ‘oh, you should have come along’ and I said, how could I when I knew nothing about it. . She then admitted she didn’t tell me about it as ‘she assumed I would not be able to come’ I was very upset, and said there was no reason why I couldn’t have gone, I have family near where the party was being held and could have stayed with them. I could not get my head round it at all. She then mentioned the girls weekend thing and I said I'd love to come.

In spite of this previous incident, she has just done this. AIBU in being very hurt and angry at being singled out like this?

I think they are saying they really want you to go too and I would make sure I could go and have a great time. The email sender is giving you options.

You would rather she hadn't singled you out but to her, you are all in the same group of friends and she must not have thought that it was something she needed to say privately to you.

I can see why you're upset since you went out of your way to explain to her that you felt left out. I wouldn't make a big deal if it though. Just reply all "of course I'm coming! Really sorry I thought I'd told you it's not a problem arranging nights out these days! Look forward to it."

I think perhaps also a misplaced/misconstrued way of being thoughtful/sensitive for your sitch. I overcompensate like this - trying to make sure my friends don't feel pressured into coming because I know it's tough for them.

Totally agree with filly and sonja.

Go to the party and have a ball!

I agree that it sounds like they are giving you an out so that if you can come it will be a nice surprise rather than you having to email to say you can't. I can imagine writing something like this in an attempt to let someone know that I would love to see them for any portion of an event, even if they weren't able to come to the whole thing. It might be clumsily worded, or you might be particularly sensitive to their assumption that you might not be able to come, but either way, I can't see why they would even contact you if they didn't want you to come.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face - if these are your friends and you have no other problems other than their misguided attempts to avoid you feeling like you're always having to turn down invitations then don't go for the worst interpretation of their intentions and have a good time with them!

Thanks kirstyJC .

Everybody is forgetting that she deliberately did not include me in an invite to a wedding party (this friend had been abroad for 10+ years so it was a BIG reunion/party) which involved a stayover, I said I'd love to have gone. I could have gone to the party, I was not invited. She has ignored/didn't listen to my upset and repeated the assumption. I've had two kids, not a social life bypass.

I am going to send an email along lines of what kirstyJC and Whatcah said.

Yes OP that is what I thought - since you have already had it out with her over her decision to 'manage' your social life, this email reads like a slap in the face! It makes me wonder what else she has not told you about.....

A nice passive aggressive email to them all will do the trick. Keep it friendly (ie don't go calling her a cunt!!) but do make it really clear.

And enjoy your night out

Bugslife, before you send an email that might well alialienate you further, can I ask a question?

When you were unable to attend the other social commitments because of your children being so young,did you ever make other plans or efforts to see your friends? If yes, then I think you're right to be upset.

The reason I ask, and it's not an accusation, is that I have a friend in a similar position. She had a child, he was, understandbly her world, but she stopped coming out because she wasnt ready to leave him alone. We'd often make plans that were suitable for her to attend with the baby but they'd get declined at the last minute. She wouldn't then try and reschedule and almost all conversation was around the baby. From my perspective, the friendship became very one sided.

Could there be an element at all of this in your situation? As if so, you'll make yourself sound a bit ridiculous emailing the entire group pulling one friend up on this, when to them, they may feel like it's quite generous to invite you always to plans even though youmight not instigate making any yourself.

I repeat, just a question, not an accusation :)

Send a group email making it plain your back in the game I would then.

How come she is passing info on organising things? Make sure your I touch regularly with all your social circle. I sometimes leave things like that slide and let one or two people organise things but if they are not doing a good job of including you that's problematic.

God no, don't send a group email pulling her up.

just a nice normal one saying your able to come for the whole thing.

I hadn't forgotten that, but naturally that was a bigger deal to her than you as she made an inaccurate assumption which didn't really impact on her whereas you were very hurt but being left out. The fact that she has form for this surely just makes it more likely that she has just been a bit thoughtless again rather than making a concerted effort to make you feel excluded? Perhaps this is her way of making an effort to include you, by offering you any level of involvement you can manage rather than assuming that you won't come?

If you do want to approach her, then I would do it personally by phone rather than replying to everyone involved - she may feel awful and apologise profusely and to your satisfaction, in which case keeping it between yourselves offers a higher chance that it will all blow over and be forgotten asap.

But she has told you about the social event this time! Why on earth alienate her by slapping her down in front of several mutual friends?

I know just how you feel.

I have a group of friends where they either don't have children or their children are older and they have extended family that can offer reliable childcare.

My children are young and there is just DH and I. So I find I can't socialise as much as I did pre children as DH and I have to alternate being babysitter for either of us to have a day/night out and sometimes we just want to spend some time as a family.

Anyway this group of friends is starting to leave me out more and more, which I sort of understand as I am often having to decline invites out [another issue is that they tend to organise catch ups quite spontaneously... and on week nights when I am either looking after the children myself or rushing home from work to pick kids up from childcare].

Anyway, one of my friend's birthday was the other day. I texted her happy birthday and added that I would like to take her out for a birthday drink, let's make a date. I got no reply... then later that evening I was looking at facebook [yeah I know, tool of the devil] and there were photos of the whole group out for dinner and drinks for friend's birthday.

Thanks a lot for the invite guys

It sucks!

QueenBean a good question.
I am mainly just very good friends with 2 of the group, know the others but not as well.

Yes, it was mainly lunches, dinners at houses (always accepted), birthdays (always attended and I was always the one leaving at 3am....)

My friendships with others are along the same lines, don't see people often, but great when I do.

I have purposely not talked about kids, as they don't have them and been told how chilled I am compared to others they know. I've had it from the other side most of my adult life and when you don't have kids, then kid talk is truly boring.

But they also know it not been easy, and my chances of a night away are rare.

mooncupgoddess because alienating somebody based on your own prejudices about what they can do cannot do, is rude. I'm sure people wondered where I was! I won't slap her down either, I'll just ask her not to assume!!

Bloody hell. Don't send a shitty email slapping her down or correcting her!! Do you want to be friends with this group of people or not? Just say yes, you're coming, can't wait, how much do you owe them etc. you've been invited, given an out in case you can't make it, which you admit you often haven't over the last few years, so just graciously accept. Some people on this thread have got the social skills of a bloody iceberg, honestly.

nutcrackerfairy That is really unkind. Not just thoughtless, but unkind.
Yes, the evil of facebook. Have you said anything in response?

I probably am over-thinking this (hence the posts telling me that she is being sensitive to my needs)

I think the bottom line is the wedding thing totally knocked me for six and she still trots out this oh, you probably can't come stuff, which gets relayed to others and it is blatantly not true that I can't attend stuff, and on the contrary, it would be a bloody treat not to be woken at 6am.

I think you need to be quite careful about how you word it, if you are going to send a group email. It might just make everything a bit awkward for everyone if you are "passive aggressive" or "call her on it' as some have suggested.

Especially if it is just a cack-handed way of her trying to be sensitive- and she is trying to overcompensate for having not told you about the last party. Which is just as likely as her deliberately trying to side-line you.

This has happened in my friendship group before- misunderstanding, one friend (A) then tried to overcompensate by being "overly understanding" to the other friend (B), who then took it the wrong way and replied to the group email in what could be termed a "strident" manner. Made everything a bit awkward for everyone and some people felt her manner was uncalled for and were quite pissed off. I she would have been better to just make it clear she was coming and leave it at that. It actually made things a bit difficult allround, and B ended up not being invited to things she might have been due to the awkwardness (they have since made up).

Incidentally, none of your other friends told you about this party either. Assuming she is not the only mutual friend of the friend whose party you missed (IYSWIM), why are holding her solely responsible for you not knowing about the party?

Unless she instructed everyone else not to tell you (which your friends could have and should have ignored), or lied to them all and told them that you knew and were not able to attend (which is not what you've written), then I think you are being a little unfair to lay all the blame at her door.

Why was it this woman's responsibility to invite you to the wedding thing? What about all the other people? Really, I wouldn't think too much about this either. It wasn't her party.

They want you to go for the weekend.

oh, and it sounds like they do want you there. They just want to make sure you don't feel you have to come to the whole thing and can attend for as much as you are able. Sounds like they are trying to involve you. If they/she wasn't, they would just not have mentioned it.

I can understand why you're a bit irritated, but I think you are reading way too much into it and taking it a bit too far. I actually don't think you like this "friend" much- can't see any other reason to blame her for everything that's happened in the past and absolve all your other friends.

Why not send an email to the group along the lines of "ooh I was disappointed to miss out on the wedding cus I knew nothing about it! Love spending time with you all and would love to be there! Can't wait!"

That makes it clear that you would have been at the wedding, you enjoy their company and you make every effort to go when invited.
Send a follow up email after the event to say had a great time let's do it again soon!

This tells them to involve you in future. Also try and keep the group email up or start a what's app group. I've started one with some friends and that way no one misses out they go or don't.

I agree with the posters who say that the post can be read in two ways.

It seems that after not inviting you to the surprise party, and you expressing your hurt, she is now inviting you, but realises you have commitments so is kindly offering a get out clause.

Its probably misplaced kindness, but she is maybe treating you with kid gloves after realising how hurt you were about the surprise party.

Id go along with the first part of Watchamacallit's answer, but not the second part. Bright and breezy, and give your friend the benefit of the doubt.

Send a cheerful email saying how much you are looking forward to it etc. and don't address the unhelpful helpful comments about you not having to stay on email. There is almost no good way to word the email so it won't be taken the wrong way.

Have a chat with your friends on that weekend saying that you are now sorted with childcare as the children are older so they should assume you can make things unless you say otherwise.

I think YABU. They are trying to be sensitive to your needs. Just reply and say 'actually I think I make this one'. Then when you go you can say to them that actually things are a bit easier now so don't need to assume you can't go. If they didn't want you there they wouldn't have asked. If you have turned down a lot of things in the past it is reasonable for them to think this might be the case again.

Normally mn is awash with threads moaning that they have been invited to something that involves 2 nights away and spending money and don't they realise I have small children. And everyone is outraged. Maybe your friends are MNers.

If you don't want to go then don't. But don't do it over the comment in the email.

Tell her to assume makes an ass out of you and me.

bugslife,no I haven't asked her about it although I am sure I will hear all about it as we will see each other at another mutual friend's bbq this weekend.

She did text back saying thanks for birthday wishes and yes let's gout for that drink... but no mention of her birthday dinner out. That said, I guess it could have been someone else who organised it for her. It's just that it would have been nice to be thought of and invited.

Hey ho.

Have you decided how you will respond to your friend/friends yet?
So much advice on this thread, might be difficult to know what to do!

I honestly don't see the problem here.

After the wedding thing, you made it clear that you want to be invited to stuff even if you can't actually make it.

So she invited you, while giving you an elegant get out if this one doesn't suit for whatever reason.

She can't do right for doing wrong!