to be upset and silently fuming at this?

[bugslife]

I had an invite from a good friend recently for a group girls weekend away recently involving a couple of sleepovers at a two friends houses. We will all share the costs of the food. The email went to about ten people.

At the end of the email, my friend put

‘Bugslife, I am assuming you won’t be staying but it would be great if you can join us’

Quite quickly another email arrived with further details for paying for stuff, sleeping arrangements etc and another direct comment to me

‘BTW Bugslife, I assume you are not free for the weekend sleep over so this doesn’t apply to you, but you are very welcome to join us.'

I immediately felt that I wasn’t really welcome.

The background is that I have two small children, no family help, both were exclusively breastfed as they refused a bottle, DP used to work a lot of weekends away and we have, as you can imagine, been skint the last few years on one salary (though I am going back to work soon, phew) I have had to turn down some invites for meals nights out for out etc for these reasons. However, I do still go out, always turn up for birthdays, gatherings as much as I can, just not out as often as I used to, and not spending lots. Not unlike a lot of people with young families. I have also had nights away more recently (eg family parties). I’m not a hermit.

In addition, about six months ago, an old friend of this group got married abroad. He sent me a card announcing the marriage. I mentioned this to friend (sender of emails) and she told me that a surprise party had been held in the UK when he visited his home city, in his honour. I said I was very sad I didn’t get to go. She then said, ‘oh, you should have come along’ and I said, how could I when I knew nothing about it. . She then admitted she didn’t tell me about it as ‘she assumed I would not be able to come’ I was very upset, and said there was no reason why I couldn’t have gone, I have family near where the party was being held and could have stayed with them. I could not get my head round it at all. She then mentioned the girls weekend thing and I said I'd love to come.

In spite of this previous incident, she has just done this. AIBU in being very hurt and angry at being singled out like this?

[diddl]

Well tbh I think that the woman is taking too much on trying to second guess what OP can/can't do.

Doesn't anyone just say "this is what's happening, see you or not"??!!

As for the surprise party-who organised it?

Why didn't anyone tell OP about it?

[HappyAgainOneDay]

'You can come if you like' is not an invitation, is it? It's more like an add on we have a spare place so you can have it.

[PlumpPartridge]

How about a group response like this?

Thanks for the invite - I want to come out for the whole thing! It sounds brilliant and I am really looking forward to it.

I am so glad that the kids are a bit older now - it means I'll be more able to attend things! I hate missing parties :(

Maybe miss off the last sentence if it seems too PA

[Brittabot]

I read it as her trying to say you're welcome but no pressure.

If you want to go, go and if you must address the email then talk to her about it in person.

A reply all email about making assumptions would raise eyebrows among my friends. This should be a fun thing, not a saga!

[eddielizzard]

make sure you go, and make sure everyone knows that you're alive.

[Back2Two]

I think what whatcha said is really clear.
It's not passive aggressive or "woe is me"

Simple....but definitely reply to all.
"Great, I'm really pleased I can come to this....including sleepover. Thanks for thinking of me, I'm back on board now the children are a bit older and easier! Really looking forward to seeing you all!"

When you see them all you can make sure you let them know you are available for future social occasions!

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I would not send a group email to deal with this at all- if you send one, say you'd love to come, luckily childcare not an issue, so delighted to stay over. Full stop.

If you drag them all into some battle over an event that has gone, which wasn't hers to invite you to anyway, you will end up alienating everyone.

That American self-help guy (with the cheesy tache, Dr Phil) used to say- do you want to be right, or happy? You won't win here by being right. You are in the right, it may be in the past they have assumed too much, but that can be solved by some chats on this weekend in person, not by passive aggressive emails that make everyone feel guilty when this is not a deliberate plot against you, but a situation that has arisen which you'd now like to change.

Go on the weekend, chat to your friends.

Friendship is a choice, they don't have to ask you- if you start asserting it as your 'right' then you will strain the friendship. There are much more subtle and gentler ways of letting people know you are back in the going out game.

[FFSFFS]

I think you have completely overthought it.

Whatever you do I wouldn't include any passive aggressive comments in any replies. I would just accept and go along and enjoy myself.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

My friends think it's acceptable, despite often completely excluding me because I have a toddler, to give me 5 minutes notice for social events thus giving me no hope of finding a babysitter in time.

Fuck 'em.

[Theodorous]

The background is that I have two small children, no family help, both were exclusively breastfed as they refused a bottle, DP used to work a lot of weekends away

I think that you are being mean saying no family help and then in the same breath mentioning a partner on the scene. I know it's not relevant to this story but I think it's sad for your partner that they don't count.

Sleepover sounds utterly ghastly, I think you are the lucky one to be honest.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I have an 18 month old and a 5 month old. I'm always very grateful when people give me a graceful get out, if needs be, and appreciate when they do. I also appreciate when my friends who don't have children try their best to help me out. Even if it's not quite what I would have done, I recognise that they are coming from a good place.

I see it as them trying it be kind. The proposed email responses are, in the main, awful. Seriously? Do people really send emails to friends saying "Never assume anything" in a prissy, passive aggressive fashion? And cc everyone else in? It certainly could solve your problem - by ensuring that you're dropped like a hot potato

Just turn up at the event, have a good time and make it clear in conversation (you know, like a normal person) that your social like is kicking up a gear now. Happily, there are ways of sorting this out without alienating all of your friends and looking like a twonk into the bargain

I don't quite get the wedding thing as surely the bride or groom should have invited you? But I think the point has been made re that.

I like the Dr Phil quote - I also like "be a radiator not a drain". Quite apt.

[petalsandstars]

I think OP means she has no parental/sibling help when her DP is away a lot over weekends

[PosingInManilla]

I agree with most other posters - they do want you there but are trying not to make you feel obligated. A bit poorly worded, but I see no malice or attempt to exclude.

You also said the costs were being shared out - the organiser has probably gone into super pragmatic mode and tried to work out the maximum the others will be paying on the assumption that you might not be able to go sounds like something I would do

It's a bit clumsy, but my take is that you are definitely welcome.

[Deliaskis]

I also think you're making something out of nothing here. I would have read that as them being considerate and trying to include you in whatever way you can join.

To be honest, I have been sometimes frustrated when I have had lots of invitations to activities unsuitable for parents, and I have been thinking 'don't they get it at all'....so people sometimes just can't win.

Then I realised, whenever something like this happens, you have a choice. You can choose to be pissed off about a (probably) imagined slight, or you can choose to think the best of people, who are after all your friends, who you want to see and socialise with. I can't think of any good reason for choosing to be pissed off, it will create an atmosphere and an issue out of something which probably came from good intent. And there is every reason to choose to think the best of them.

Just accept, say you're lucky you've been able to sort childcare so are looking forward to staying over and catching up etc.

And whilst you're there, it's worth subtly mentioning that now the kids are bigger you're better off for childcare etc. and are now able to have a social life etc....

[bugslife]

Well, opinion seems to be more on the IABU. Which maybe I am but you can't help feeling what you feel can you?!

No help means no family help (I have helpful siblings) but no parents, so DP would be working away and I'd have the kids, and that was pretty relentless.

The wedding party was a surprise thing, they didn't tell anybody they were getting married. The email friend was the one sending out lots of email invites, she told me the great lengths she went to to get hold of certain people, chasing then up etc but as somebody mentioned up-thread, filtered my invite and made a decision on my behalf that I wouldn't be able to go. The other close friend in the group also failed to mention it to me, but then maybe assumed my friend had told me. I was gutted to hear of it, the way your heat misses a beat and you have to fight back tears.

As I have mentioned, I said at length to her, I'd love to have gone to the party, would love to go to the weekend as I have not had a break with a night off in a very long time, and can only assume she didn't hear what I'd said as she made another assumption that I'd not be up for it.

Anyway, I've sent an email and - this may infuriate some of you - it was a reply all. Bright and breezey, why assume I can't come, I can't wait, haven't seen you all in ages, looking forward already, etczzz.

[PlumpPartridge]

Well, maybe they'll realise this response is a little out of character for you and work out that you must have been upset by being excluded the last time. Therefore, they may make more of a fuss of you, which is nice.
I reckon that sometimes a little out-of-character fuss is needed to make people see that you're upset.

Alternatively, a few of your friends may act miffed. I'm guessing that if anyone does this, it will be the ones who deliberately didn't ask you to the wedding and will be a sign that they feel bad about it (even though they may never admit it). If they get pissy with you now I suggest you just don't engage/pick them up on it.

Hope you enjoy your outing and update us!

[PlumpPartridge]

That was vague - I meant that you should not engage and should not pick them up on any pissy behaviour - smile and ignore, rather.

[redandyellowbits]

Great! Have a lovely time and enjoy being back out there!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Good on you!!
Perhaps they'll assume a little less and ask a little more.

Keep us posted if you get another update and either way, enjoy your nights out.