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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about distribution of "chores" what do others do?

52 replies

Weathergames · 08/07/2014 17:33

Please help me!

I have 3 DC 16, 14 and 12. I am single and I work full time (I have a OH but he doesn't live here and is overseas a lot).

I expect my DC to fold any clean washing and put it away, keep their rooms tidy and load/empty the dishwasher.

For this they get weekly pocket money (same amount each). I am constantly nagging at them to do these things, they argue when they do them, have regular "stand offs" over things such an unloading the dishwasher (ie: if one of them isn't home everyone waiting for all 3 to be home before starting it) and this "system" is generally not working.

DS1 has a weekend job and DD has a paper round.

DS1 has just finished his GCSE's and every day I have asked him to do something extra for me (hoover the front room etc so not a massive job).

Today he chose not to go to a 6th form taster session but left the house at 9am to spend the day with friends. I came home and the dishwasher hasn't been touched and his room was disgusting. I texted him and asked him to come home immediately (it was 5pm) to which he got moody and grumpy. When he got in I told him there is no excuse for leaving the house to do sod all and leaving his room in that kind of state. He then said it wasn't "fair" that DD is allowed hoke from cooking club at 6pm when her room is a state Hmm.

I am sick of them all wanting to do "equal" amounts (this is impossible) and not wanting to do more than their share then getting moody and grumpy with each other while performing each "task". I am sick of nagging at them and being told they have to do "everything".

What do others do? What rules/rewards do others have in regard to children of different ages and with different commitments (both DSs have no hobbies whereas DD goes to loads of after school clubs, volunteers etc).

Please help me maintain some sanity....

OP posts:
STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 08/07/2014 18:53

No what does it mean?

It means someone else stayed over in the spare room while you were away. Grin do they have girlfriends/boyfriends?

blathin · 08/07/2014 18:53

Sorry I should have said that my DH was also away with me but he had a meeting so didn't see the house . By the time he got home I had it cleaned. The dc offered to help but I was too cross to let them...I know childish! Thanks for the advice I just wanted a rant.

blathin · 08/07/2014 18:56

oh . Well actually in this case that's not the case. If the 22 year old wanted someone to stay he wouldn't feel the need to lie.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 08/07/2014 19:00

and the 17 year old?

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/07/2014 19:15

Oh yes and they "do more than any of their friends" REALLY?!

DDs best friend does nothing (her mum even does her room) and stands and watches my 3 load the dishwasher when she comes for dinner Hmm.

OP posts:
LumieresForMe · 08/07/2014 19:17

I find it amazing how these children/teenagers all say the same thing. Do they have some sort lesson at school about how to answer to reasonable demands from parents??

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 08/07/2014 19:19

I think they give them a book at the start of high school.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 08/07/2014 19:23

It's interesting, my cousin came to live with me when she was 12 and got stuck into the house as soon as she saw me doing something she'd jump up and ask how she could help, she got into a routine and was doing her fair share without being asked after a couple of weeks, yet on the occasions she did go back home to stay she would come back grianing about her mum asking her to do dusting or hoovering! Grin i think it's stubborness a lot of the time- not wanting to give in to a parent but no problem when it wasnt a parent asking her to chip in.

DoItTooJulia · 08/07/2014 19:24

Why don't you graduate the chores into age ranges?

With freedom, comes responsibility.

Bedrooms (and putting away clothes) are a given, but if they aren't doing it, how about a Sunday afternoon is allocated for bedroom tidying. That way, they all have to do their rooms at the same time, no quibbling.

Then, give the oldest the most responsible job and work down.

Whoever comes home first should do the dishwasher, or make it the 12 year olds job.

But I agree with PP, talk to them about it, ask them why they are difficult about mucking in. I also heard this week that written instructions are the key. So whatever you do decide, write it all down, like a family charter!

whois · 08/07/2014 19:25

To make it 'fair' between the DCs I think a list of jobs, allocated to each DC and rotated each week. So one week you empty the dishwasher, the next you Hoover. Have until Sunday 4pm to get your tasks done if it's a once a week type thing maybe.

GretchenWiener · 08/07/2014 19:31

haha
H working from home today
son hadnt restacked empty dishwasher
this is what i said
" hi, i wonder if tomorrow you can put all the breakfast stuff away before you go out?"
him " oh yeah, sorry"
me " its just with me and dad working all day"
him " yeah sure'

thats it

GretchenWiener · 08/07/2014 19:32

think it shouldnt be too complicated.
everyone does their rooms
then one other job each ( under 16)

the harder it is the easier it is to wriggle out of it.

but sometimes s3 will be asked to lay the table and he just will, because that is how a family works
and WHY SHOULD I DO IT ALL?

morethanpotatoprints · 08/07/2014 19:36

Your problem is the pocket money.
Mine used to get their own FA from about age 14 and when they were 16 received no money from us and had to get a job. They had to buy everything themselves out of FA, shoes, clothes, school books etc. When older they had to buy own car, driving lessons, insurance etc.
Not only do they learn the value of money but if they have to earn the money off you they value being clean and tidy.
Might be worth a try? It worked with mine, but they are all different I suppose.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/07/2014 19:42

Gah!! Just totally lost it trying to talk to them.

Went up to see DS1s room he has open food up there and crockery, litter on the floor, sheets like cardboard and dried blood on his bathroom sink I asked him to clean 2 weeks ago after a nose bleed. I then find a lighter and he says he's smoking. I lose it over the blood the constant tutting and fucking eye rolling and "okaaaay" ARGH.

DD then chips in "if you spoke to us a bit nicer then maybe we would help more" - I NEVER YELL AT THEM AND ALWAYS ask nicely.

I just lost it, went into her room I could hardly get in and a load of clothes I bought her for holiday all over the floor cups and glasses everywhere.

Bollocks :(

OP posts:
GretchenWiener · 08/07/2014 19:42

oh mate.

You need the book.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/07/2014 19:50

Is ordered :(

OP posts:
GretchenWiener · 08/07/2014 19:51

in the mean time think carefully about how you are speaking to them and how they speak to you
Are you as polite as you are at work? Do you or they do kind things ( like get drinks) for each other. Look at your praise to criticism ratio too.

Sure you know all of this but we all need reminding dont we? Confused

LumieresForMe · 08/07/2014 20:22

The other way is to close their door and not put your feet in them. Have a rule that clothes need to be x lace to be washed. That clothes bought for the summer will have to last the summer. If they are damaged (because they haven't look after them) tough. No replacement.
Let them experience what us going on if they do the real minimum to keep their stuff tidy and clean. The mould growing the carpet etc. well they'll have to live with it if that makes sense?

And YY to sitting down but not you with each of them but them together with a list of things that needs to be done. Ask them to get organised so that between them all of this us done. The dishwasher isn't loaded? Well there are no yes to eat. Please can you do the washing up? No pans, oh well I'm sorry I was waiting for you to clean them do I can start cooking.
No being on their back. Just letting them get a feel if what happens when you dont do certain chores.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/07/2014 20:55

Thanks.

Think very frazzled atm too but we are going on holiday next week yay!

Their dad got married last week and had family here form overseas and encouraged the kids to flout some of my rules and be a bit disrespectful which has also made me a bit wobbly.

OP posts:
blathin · 08/07/2014 21:17

Hi again. interesting how easy it all sounds in THEORY. I am well experienced with teens yet I can't get my grown up kids to clean up. It's all about my self esteem I don't want to be the "crazy" one and I want to make them happy. Meanwhile I'm not expecting much from them so that we have a quiet life and my husband is not put out. The image of the Mom with the apron smiling as she works haunts me....

GretchenWiener · 08/07/2014 21:19

i know. It is tough. All i can say is that its all about communication. Effective comms. we have a really calm effective family life - mostly because H hates conflict so we found a way to make it work. He is REALLY polite and kind. Regular readers will know i am not
listen to how you sound. That book will really help.

Original poster
Weathergames · 08/07/2014 21:34

We have great communication about most things.

OP posts:
GretchenWiener · 08/07/2014 21:54

THERE YOU ARE THEN
its just a blip = it will get better. Smile

gives a manly slap on the shoulder

mumminio · 08/07/2014 23:06

Pay per chore :) Good luck, it's tough to raise children to be responsible adults but it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of it.

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