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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly (very) irritated at MIL's present to DH?

50 replies

Clarabell33 · 08/07/2014 12:56

DH has recently had a big birthday. MIL gave him vouchers for a particular hotel chain which is local to her area. Not very subtle Hmm

I know it's up to her what she gives, but I am a bit irritated mainly because we do see her and the rest of that side of the family quite a bit (much more than we see mine due to distance) and it feels a bit like she's saying we don't bother to come down much. If she had her way, the whole extended family would all live in one big house and never go anywhere without each other.

I also feel that it's a bit of a waste for a few reasons: DH and I don't live that far away, less than 2hrs drive, so it's not like we can't drive there and back in a day; these hotels are expensive, but don't look much nicer than a Premier Inn (of which there are several in the area), so a bit of wasted money; and it was a big birthday for DH but this isn't a very personal present for him. He was a bit 'oh right, erm, lovely thanks' when he opened the card and later said he didn't know when she was expecting us to use them as he prefers going down for the day and coming home to sleep in his own bed, which isn't that far away anyway...

We have never stayed with MIL and likely never will as her house is too small (no spare room, no sofabed, no room for airbed on floor anywhere) and quite messy - not just being mean, she says this herself and has previously said that of course we'd be welcome to stay but that she hasn't anywhere to put us and wouldn't want to if it was her.

So AIBU to be a bit annoyed and offended, and slightly upset/affronted/whatever on DH's behalf? He wasn't expecting any presents at all but I think this is just a bit cheeky of his mum and not very thoughtful for my DH... I got the impression he'd rather have had nothing as now he feels guilty and obligated (his words). Or am I just overreacting? Wink

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 08/07/2014 13:00

I think you're reading way too much into it, she's probably bought the vouchers because it's the closest hotel chain to her because that made it easier for her to buy, you & your DH both sound ungrateful

Bowlersarm · 08/07/2014 13:02

YABU.

Yes you are over reacting. A good example of a mil not being able to do anything right.

sezamcgregor · 08/07/2014 13:03

To me, it looks like she's saying "come down, we'll have the DC and you two can have a sexy night at a local hotel - enjoy!"

littlewoollypervert · 08/07/2014 13:03

Send her a message (or say it next time you see her)
"Thanks a mill we are dying for a night away together, it will be a lovely break from the DCs, will you mind them for us when we take our break - would you prefer to do it in your house or ours?" (wink)

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 08/07/2014 13:04

What a bitch

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2014 13:05

Blimey, are you always this over invested in other people's presents?

DottyDooRidesAgain · 08/07/2014 13:06

YABU.
It is not YOUR birthday present to be offended about.

He probably feels that way because of your reaction.

Had you have expressed happiness instead of offence he would probably feel differently.

Goldmandra · 08/07/2014 13:08

Unless there is something particularly nice about this hotel and staying in it could be considered a luxury break, YANBU.

It is very subtle but it is manipulation. If she wanted him to choose a nice break she wouldn't have bought vouchers that tied him to the area where she lives.

Of course, if anyone were to mention it, she would no doubt bring up the "I can't do anything right" argument too.

Hang onto them because they may open some more of the chain in a place you would like to stay for a couple of nights Smile

captainmummy · 08/07/2014 13:08

I'd love a night or two in a hotel! Doesn't matter if it;s a premier inn or similar (bit judgy, that remark) - it's a night in a bed that you don't have to make, in a room you don't have to clean, with a nice bathroom that you can lol in and use all the little bottles. Plus breakfast (sometimes) that you don't have to cook. I think it's a lovely idea to give DH a present that you can both use. Doens't matter where it is (and don't 'chain' hotels usually have more than one - in more than one area?

The present is better than the usual bottle of Whiskey. What were you hoping he would get?

nilbyname · 08/07/2014 13:10

OMG, Your poor MIL can't do right for wrong it would seem!

YBVU

mandy214 · 08/07/2014 13:13

I think you are BVU. She probably thinks you'd like a swanky night in a hotel. Its not too far to go. Its close to her if you want to drop children off or whatever. Think its a really nice present.

But I can trump that - my H was 30 just after we had twins. We couldn't see straight with tiredness, the house went to pot, there were never enough hours in the day. She bought him an allotment Shock. Apparently she wanted them to share her love of gardening and an allotment (away from the house, me and the children) "would give him a break" and time with her Angry

DoJo · 08/07/2014 13:13

Does the hotel chain only have hotels near her?

Icelollycraving · 08/07/2014 13:14

If it's a chain,choose a different location. Yabu,he wasn't expecting a gift.

IamSlave · 08/07/2014 13:16

surely this hotel has places elsewhere? book a night elsewhere with the vouchers.

LilacBreastedRoller · 08/07/2014 13:19

It sounds like she thinks it's a shame she can't realistically host you in her small, messy house and this is is her way of remedying that.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 08/07/2014 13:22

Maybe this hotel chain just has 20 luxury hotels all around Widnes (or wherever MIL lives) I'm sure there must be loads of these mini chains about.

LoonvanBoon · 08/07/2014 13:23

I'm also a bit puzzled by this hotel chain that's only local to one area. Which chain is it, OP? I can't think of any hotel chains that don't have hotels in a number of different locations.

If MIL had bought him vouchers for the B&B on her street, I'd agree it sounds manipulative & not the most thoughtful present - more for her than your DH. But this could genuinely be her attempt to give you both a nice hotel break - couldn't it?

Your DH's allotment present, OTOH, mandy -now that is outrageous!

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2014 13:26

YABU. Don't take it so personally. You probably would have been annoyed of she'd got him nothing. If it's chain, there will be other locations. Perhaps she only bought it locally as it was the nearest one she would get to.

I don't think wanting to see more of your son and his family is a crime.

LoonvanBoon · 08/07/2014 13:36

Oh, I was wrong, there do seem to be a couple of chains that are local to particular areas. Had no idea.

Personally I do think it's the kind of present where it would be best to check with the recipient that it will be welcome before you buy it.

I'd never buy a hotel or even restaurant voucher for my PIL, for example, because they seem to view decent hotels / nice meals out as an extravagance that can never match up to a nice roast & your own bed at home. They just don't see the point of them!

There's nothing wrong with OP's MIL offering to pay for them to stay in a hotel, but I do think it would be better if she'd had a conversation with her son about it first. A present that effectively places an obligation on the recipient isn't a great present, IMO.

What does your DH plan to do, then, clarabel, if he's not so keen on the idea himself? Are you going to use the voucher?

Delphiniumsblue · 08/07/2014 13:42

It seems a lovely present to me-I think you are over thinking it.

DidoTheDodo · 08/07/2014 13:47

Good grief. My DH got socks from his mum. (Compare and contrast...)
You're reading far too much into it - and it's not even your present.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/07/2014 13:49

Hotel voucher is nice thoughtful gift, she may have just got one local to her as that's where they are easily available, you don't have to visit her on the trip, surely, unless you want to, so what's the issue?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/07/2014 13:57

One day you might be a mother in law , keep that in mind!

fluffyraggies · 08/07/2014 14:05

I'd just think 'great! A couple of sleazy nights in a hotel with DH just like the pre DC days. Bottle of X, few candles, baby oil, wahey!' :)

Do you have DC OP? Baby sitter for a night.

It'd not cross my mind that we'd be expected to tie it in with a visit to the inlaws as well because after all, that would be a bit contrived of MIL and of course she's not like that.

maras2 · 08/07/2014 15:45

Don't be so bloody daft.Get a sitter and treat yourselves to a shagfest.If she insists on seeing you explain that you're using the opportunity to TTC and thank her for the thoughtful present that is enabling you to extend your family so will not be available.:)