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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have let ds choose if he went to school today or not?

32 replies

Edenviolet · 08/07/2014 09:31

Dh thinks I was BVU

Yesterday ds 1 (7) came out of school and was very very quiet, he said he was cold and was all shivery. Got in and he wanted a warm bath (he hates bathtime usually) then he sat on the chair with a blanket over him for two hours and wanted soup for dinner. He didn't seem himself at all and kept asking "will I be ok?"

He slept badly last night, had no temp but was restless and up and down a lot. He was snoring terribly too which he doesn't usually do.
When he woke up he said he didn't feel ill he just felt cold and unhappy. He got dressed for school but was tearful and said he didn't feel right.

I said to him he could choose if he felt well enough to go in, he spent ten mins thinking then said he would try to eat breakfast and see how he felt. He decided not to go.

Dh said its ridiculous I let a seven year old choose if he was going to school or not. Its not like this has happened before but ds really hasn't been himself.
Dh told ds he was disappointed in him which I thought was a bit mean.

OP posts:
HillyHolbrook · 08/07/2014 09:35

My mum always let me choose. Nobody else can tell him how ill he feels apart from him. It's the kids with parents who force them in unless they've got limbs hanging off that end up bunking off and pretending to be sick.

The other option would be to send him and tell him he can come home if he doesn't feel better, assuming you have someone to collect him at any time, of course.

YANBU.

Flexibilityiskey · 08/07/2014 09:35

YANBU. He sounds like he wasn't well. You aren't a mind reader, so couldn't know how ill he actually felt. I think unless you've had problems with him not wanting to go to school in the past it was fine to let him choose. Hopefully after a quiet day at home he will be feeling better!

HillyHolbrook · 08/07/2014 09:36

Oh, and it is very mean to tell your son you're disappointed with them for not feeling well. That was harsh of your DH! Sad

Teardropsonthedancefloor · 08/07/2014 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 08/07/2014 09:37

Usually I make the decision based on symptoms or having a temperature etc but it was hard to tell as he didn't really have any symptoms and temp was normal but he obviously wasn't feeling right yesterday or this morning.
I've not let him decide before and dh was astounded I was letting a 7 y o choose and said I'm setting myself up for problems with attendance now !

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 08/07/2014 09:39

Ds is just very quiet, still saying he's cold but he has been saying he has to be better for his concert tomorrow so I don't think its about not wanting to go to school.
Usually he can't sit still so yesterday was very out of character which worried me but dh doesn't understand that and thinks ds is playing me.

OP posts:
LGJ · 08/07/2014 09:40

Yesterday,DS 13 was angling for a duvet day (he is exhausted) I told him he had to go to school, but he could have Thursday off.

He told me I was an awesome Mum,

Until he remembered the teachers are strike........................ Grin

BlackeyedSusan · 08/07/2014 09:40

I let dd decide. she loves school. I do not ds decide. he would never go in.

you were basing your deciion on evidence of behaviour. a child would find it hard to keep up the pretence for that long so did the right thing.

ApplebyMennym · 08/07/2014 09:40

No YANBU, I have done the exact same in the past. My son is very rarely ill, and he loves school. He would hate to be told "you can't go to school", and I don't know if he would tell a teacher if he felt poorly enough to come home if I told him to go in.

He's 9, and has had 100% attendance this year btw, so letting him choose if he goes to school or not when he is very clearly poorly won't lead to a life of truancy and disobedience Wink

seasidesally · 08/07/2014 09:40

sounds as if he's not fully 100%

dont see a problem letting him stay at home,no x box etc if he makes a quick recovery though,one of mine has been of and by 1ish feel s ok,they know the ipad etc is of limits

diddl · 08/07/2014 09:42

From what you've said it seems that he's not well/about to come down with something so I would have thought that it would be pretty easy to make the decision tbh.

Mean to say disappointed.

I'd be saying well done for thinking about it and trying.

And doing something once only sets a precedent if you let it!!

HayDayQueen · 08/07/2014 09:43

You know your son. If he's normally happy to go to school and doesn't try to stay home on any excuse then you've absolutely done the right thing.

DS1 is like that, he's felt a little under the weather and I've given him the choice of going to school or staying home, and he chose school. He didn't think he was sufficiently unwell to stay at home. So I trust him to be honest about it.

DS2 tries to stay home on all sorts of pretext atm. So I get him to school and tell the school that he's slightly under the weather but seems ok, but to call me if they don't think he should be there or if he's not coping. I don't trust him so much!!! (The school have only once sent him home, as he got worse as the day progressed. Every other time he's perked up so much that there wasn't a hint of him being ill!)

seasidesally · 08/07/2014 09:45

wouldnt stew over dh's comment,we all parent in different ways and he was just saying what he thought,not a big deal in my book

JoeyMaynardsghost · 08/07/2014 09:47

If DD said she was too ill to go to school I reminded her that she would have to send the day in bed and there would be no playing out when her friends knocked after school. I knew she was too ill when she agreed that was OK!

YANBU to let your child decide but obviously, you know your child.

littlejohnnydory · 08/07/2014 09:48

Your DH is being silly and telling a 7 year old that he's disappointed in them for feeling ill is awful! YANBU, what else would you do?

fluffyraggies · 08/07/2014 09:52

You know your child best and if he has a good track record for going to school without a fight then it's obvious he felt like he needed to be at home.

I hate the fact that so many children are sent into school when they aren't well. How miserable for them. Apart from anything else they learn nothing and tend to disrupt the class.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 08/07/2014 09:54

He was sick so you were very unreasonable! Confused

I don't understand this at all Confused

Would you really have sent him to school if he was this unwell and still wanted to attend? Very odd Confused

Iswallowedawatermelon · 08/07/2014 09:56

Your dh is being rediculous. You don't need to have a fever to be sick.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 08/07/2014 09:57

Why was dh disappointed? Is your ds supposed to go to school feeling ill and miserable?
He is a child who is unwell. Like pp have said, if he was a child prone to trying to stay at home, then that's a different story. But if he is generally happy to go to school but is unwell today, then he needs to be at home.

I don't understand the disappointment, I'm quite sure he didn't ask to be unwell.

How many people complain when parents take their obviously unwell child to school? It's one of the things that parents hate, a child being sent to school when they should be at home.

diddl · 08/07/2014 09:57

are you going to be disappointed with your husband when he has a day off for not feeling well, OP?
I would be

Original poster
Edenviolet · 08/07/2014 09:58

It was difficult as he just wasn't himself, rather than obviously unwell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 08/07/2014 10:00

He does have his days when he doesn't want to go but they follow a different pattern ( shouting, point blank refusal to get dressed etc) but he hasn't done that for a while and knowing ds he would be hard pushed to have put it on yesterday like dh suspects. You can't pretend to be cold and shivering and covered in goosebumps!

OP posts:
Ludways · 08/07/2014 10:00

I'd let dd decide for herself as I know it would be a genuine reason for not going

Ds would never go, so I wouldn't give him the choice, lol

You're dh is being daft.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 08/07/2014 10:01

Ds1 (7) had the same thing a few weeks ago. Felt very cold, looked greenish grey, no energy when normally very manic energetic and hevwas sick once as well. I put it down to a virus - he had 3 days off school and slept lots.

Ludways · 08/07/2014 10:01

**your dh

Obviously!

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