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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you buy a child a gift you can't then ask for it back a few years later . .

38 replies

Roundedbuttocks90 · 08/07/2014 09:11

Hi all my DH has a DD (4) from a previous relationship. He ended the relationship after finding out that his ex had cheated on him. His ex (and some members of her family) are still somewhat bitter that he ended the relationship.

Anyway DSD's auntie bought her a rocker whilst DH and his ex were still together about 4 years ago. It's a very much loved toy and well used by DSD.

Anyway DH said that DSD's auntie wants it back as she bought DSD it and she wants it for her son (its pink with flowers on. Most definitely a girly toy). Her son is 5 months old an there is no way he would be able to use it yet as I can't help thinking that this is just DHs ex and her family being a bunch of infantile twats but at poor DSDs expense.

Of course when we took the rocker to her aunties we were the worst people in the world for taking her favourite toy away from her. My heart broke for her because she really does use it a lot.

DH and I have an 11 MO daughter together and I can quite imagine there would've been comments such as 'well I bought Rebecca that (name change) there's no way I want her kid using it.'

I feel as though they are just trying to nitpick at things to be awkward. His ex has also asked for a lot of things back like the bottle steriliser, fire guard and baby bath which she went out an bought but with DHs card.

Poor DSD

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 08/07/2014 09:15

If any relatives do that again, refuse. A gift is a gift. You don't need to give any explanations or excuses to keep what is your DSD's stuff. (Was there any particular reason why you didn't just tell this auntie to shove it?)

SixImpossible · 08/07/2014 09:18

Why on earth did you give it back?

Why on earth didn't DSD's dad stand up for his daughter?

I am gobsmacked.

WandaDoff · 08/07/2014 09:18

Does DSD live with you & DH or with her Mother?

Gatekeeper · 08/07/2014 09:19

why on earth did you take it back????

Nomama · 08/07/2014 09:21

I'm with Six, why on Earth did you take it back?

No.

Or the fuck off story...

Original poster

Roundedbuttocks90 · 08/07/2014 09:23

We have her 50/50. She stays with us 3 nights one week then 4 nights the next week. This will have to change when he starts school though as her mum lives 50+ miles away.

I told DH not to take it back but he said that its just lowering to their level if we refuse. I completely agree though, if it was up to me it certainly wouldn't have gone back.

It's evident to me that she doesn't want it and has no real use for it

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/07/2014 09:25

Sorry, but you and DH are to blame for your dsd's upset, you should have just said NO

Branleuse · 08/07/2014 09:31

you should replace it

Original poster

Roundedbuttocks90 · 08/07/2014 09:34

I would've said no but DHs reasoning was that 'she's getting too big for it anyway' which isn't really the point IMO.

I told him that once again his ex has said jump and he's said how high.
He is obeying her demands and it is head doing!! I try not to get involved in most thins regarding his ex a I don't think it's my place. I have my opinions and have posted here before but I generally keep them to myself.

I did tell him that I didn't think it was at all acceptable and what they were doing was cruel

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/07/2014 09:47

Well, if she IS getting too big for it then that's slightly different. You didn't mention that before- we are all assuming they wrenched away a thing she could still be using for a long time

MostWicked · 08/07/2014 09:50

I cannot believe that you gave it back!
I'd have told them to poke it

IAmNotAMindReader · 08/07/2014 09:58

In this case whilst upsetting it was on the edge of its usefulness. However you do need to sit down with your dh and discuss not giving in to ridiculous demands just to take the high road but only comply with requests which are in dsds best interests. He knows this one wasn't so is trying to justify it with moral high ground and other stuff, make sure he knows how much this has hurt her and remind him his first priority is her not a bunch of spiteful adults. One of her parents has to have this in mind even if the rest of her family don't.

wheresthelight · 08/07/2014 09:59

To be honest whilst I agree that giving I'm was foolish o can see why your dh has done it. My dp like yours was cheated on and his ex is a nightmare although creepily her family are lovely to me and as we all live in same town I regularly bump into her mum who always gives our dd a hug and chats away like we are best of friends.

It's hard to stand up against it when they are afraid that access to the child may be used against them. We have no court agreement it is a private arrangement between us and her over access so she can be a cow without any impact on her unless we took her to court.

I think for the easy life with her my dp would have given in too.

Why not take her out next time you have her and buy her something new that is age/size appropriate

Chopstheduck · 08/07/2014 10:01

I think it is irrelevant whether or not she uses it tbh, a gift is a gift.

I have inlaws like this - they buy gifts for our dts but seem to think that once the dts outgrow it, it should be returned. The dts once sold some gadget they had been bought (at their own instigation) that had been outgrown on ebay to raise money for bikes. The inlaws had a fit! The inlaws have also sold gifts to the dts themselves and kept the money for themselves.

A gift imo is a gift, to be used how they see fit. Not a temporary loan of an item. When the dts have things they no longer have use for, it is their choice of how to dispose of that, and any cash from sales is for their own use.

I don't speak to them any more after they did the exact same thing and sold a car they bought dh and used the money towards a brand new car for themselves.

I think tbh your dh needs to man up a bit, and if gifts aren't to be genuine gifts, in future I would politely decline them! It's not fair on your dsd, and it's not an attitude I would want to be teaching a child.

ShelaghTurner · 08/07/2014 10:31

Wouldn't have given it back. DD1 has a wooden ride on bought when she was 10m. She's 6.5 now and still uses it admittedly like Lewis Hamilton and I wouldn't dream of taking it from her. Why on earth would you do that?

picnicbasketcase · 08/07/2014 10:36

I would've said 'dsd still loves the toy and uses it a lot. You can have it when the baby is old enough for it and dsd doesn't want it anymore.'

How extraordinarily mean and petty that they should do this purely so your dd can't have it

WildFlowersAttractBees · 08/07/2014 10:42

How weird! Could you possibly find another on gumtree, fb selling page, ebay etc?

My DD has a floral rocking horse (JL) and adores it. I plan for it to sit in her room for years to come!

SixImpossible · 08/07/2014 11:10

Whether it not it still fitted her is irrelevant. It was hers, she lived it. It should have stayed with her.

The bigger picture here is not about taking the moral high ground (FFS!), and it is not about facilitating bullies for fear of access being restricted (that is what the courts are for), it is about showing a little girl that there are adults willing to stand up for her and her right to happiness and security.

SixImpossible · 08/07/2014 11:20

No, I'm going to contradict myself. It is about taking the moral high ground: refusing to knuckle under to a bully.

Saying "No" would have been taking the moral high ground.

Sisyphus85 · 08/07/2014 11:40

I love mumsnet for telling me how many weird people there are in the world.

Don't know what I would have done in your situation OP... but just FFS to petty relatives!

Original poster

Roundedbuttocks90 · 08/07/2014 12:28

I think the whole 'she's getting too big for it' is DH justifying giving it to DSDs auntie. I can fit on the bloody thing and at 5'6 and 12 stones I'm not exactly petite!

And even if she had outgrown it, it's not the point. We all have toys that we've kept for sentimental reasons and this is no different

OP posts:

Willabywallaby · 08/07/2014 12:34

Well done for doing it, try and move on, silly people!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/07/2014 12:39

A gift is a gift. If the family-member made it clear at the time it was given that it was being loaned temporarily then that would be a different thing altogether. Try explaining that one to a young child. Good luck with that. Who would want to wrench a favourite toy away from a child? And who would agree to do such a thing to their own daughter? Yes, that's right, a spineless idiot whose only desire is to "keep the peace", even if that's at the expense of their own daughter's feelings. The man is a bloody pillock. A spineless and cruel pillock at that.

Original poster

Roundedbuttocks90 · 08/07/2014 12:46

I agree with you bitter. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg with his peace keeping vendetta.

Its a joke

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 08/07/2014 13:28

OP I recognise you from some of your other threads. Let's face it your DH is a doormat who sounds like he will never stand up to his ex and her family. Unless he unexpecetedly grows a backbone you are going to be on here regulary with similar threads aren't you?

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