To feel sorry for SIL re empty nest, but to think she brought it on herself?

[Summerbreezing]

Mu SIL's youngest child is leaving for University in September. So it will be just her and BIL for the first time in 25 years. I can understand this is a big life change for her and the empty nest can be hard to come to grips with.
However, SIL is incredibly down about it and acting as if her life is practically over and will no longer have any meaning. I feel very sorry for her but I also think she really never thought ahead to this time while her children were growing and becoming gradually more independent.
She gradually dropped all of her college and work friends as soon as she had children and just replaced them with 'mummy friends' from school and toddler groups, most of whom drifted away as soon as the children got older and no longer wanted to play together. She ignored all suggestions from her husband that she go back to work part time or do some kind of a course to get her out of the house. I asked her a few times if she'd like to come along to an evening class with me or join a gym but she wasn't interested. She basically just invested all of her time and energy in her children, to the exclusion of everything else, and is now totally bereft.
AIBU to think this is a very short sighted thing to do and it's important to remember that your children won't be at home with you forever and you need to retain or rediscover some interests and activities of your own for when that day comes? I hate seeing SIL like this, it's almost as if someone belonging to her has died.

I had a long chat about this very thing recently with my MIL. Different generation, but she had her 4 kids two years apart in the days when you got married and minded your kids with no job or career.
So she was very busy for a long time.... and then, nothing, when her youngest went to uni.
She fell into a depression and ended up having a breakdown.
She thinks it was a combo of empty nest and onset of menopause, which unfortunately collide for many women. They can both be responsible for shifts in mood and anxieties.

Anyway, the upshot of our chat was her imploring me not to take the crap redundancy offered to me at work, to keep working in whatever capacity, be it part time or full time, to keep up the gym, to call my friends regularly, to go on that weekend away with the girls.

I listened to her because I can already see some of my mummy friends literally not knowing what to do with themselves when the kids aren't around, and waking up in the dead of night panicking about them starting school.

It's not about changing how they live to avoid a 'perceived' problem. It's about avoiding the mistake of devoting all time and energy to one aspect of your life and ignoring the others, when everyone's lives go through different phases and it's important to remain aware of the fact that you're not going to be working forever; or young and carefree for ever; or a full time busy mum for ever. Therefore you need other things to fall back on - friends, interests, financial security etc.

Years ago my mum told me that years before that she had been told by my sister's godmother (keep up) that 'It is your relationship with your husband that is truly important. Children are very precious but they leave' My mum said that at the time with two little ones she didn't get that at all and thought ancient godmother (who was widowed tragically young in her 50s) was projecting that loss but when she was talking to me - in my twenties, left home, family of my own - she could see she was right. I didn't get it either but NOW, with my oldest at 16 and my youngest mid primary school yes, I get it. It is a terrible mistake to live your life through your kids because it will not keep you going when they grow up and live home.

In the case of the OP sil has made that mistake and now needs support finding a way through. I think for somebody who has made a success of caring something like fostering or home start volunteering could be a great way to use that caring energy. But she'll have to admit first that she needs something more and I suspect she may just mope.

One of my friends has looming empty nest atm. She's dreading September but she'll cope because she has a great relationship with her husband and she has a very rewarding work and social life.

YANBU. My MIL was like this - she had nothing when her children left home & she did have want I think was a breakdown, however she never got/refused proper help and her mental health has never recovered.

She is a nightmare now, but DH says she was not always so bad - was a pretty good mum when he was wee, but completely unable to cop when the children had gone. Her life is so narrow now she is a widow, she hardly leaves the house & go for days without speaking to anyone. She is also nasty, which doesn't help.

It is very sad, but in the end you cannot help people who won't help themselves.

Nothing wrong with your SIL's past choices. Unqualified support would be helpful

zzzzz you are going to be young & carefree forever? What is your secret? You could make a fortune.

Life does move through stages, I am loving having teenagers at home but I am also looking forward to the next stage when DH & I have the house to ourselves - and my tights drawer is not ransacked daily!

I think my MIL would always have struggled with life & the children enabled her to retreat from it for a while and then she could not find a way back.

Fostering chikdren is quite different to parenting one's own. Many fister chikdren have significant challenges. It's a profession not for the faint of heart.

Even as a person with lots of interests, friends and work, Empty nest has hit me hard....as previous poster said, coincides with menopause. I feel that the role I have had for 25 years is no longer there. I feel that I am no longer needed...silly as if I cook lasagne they all come round! I am lonely and bereft (and I have a lovely DH). I cant imagine what your SIL is going through. Yes...she did sort of 'bring it on herself' in a way...but no amount of 'warning' ie others telling you about this feeling can prepare you for it. It is awful...and I see my kids daily. Please support her (I know you are) and just listen.

It is hard when you have been a full time mum then suddenly they are gone. I have anticipated this by getting a dog so when DD2 leaves home in 2 years time i will still have someone (thing) to care for.

Having said that DD1 has been away for her 4 years of uni and has now returned home again. Your sister may find her children are like boomerangs!

Sorry - your SIL not sister.

She sounds upset dont be to hard on her saying I told you so wont help her, once her child is away she might do something for herself and realise their is life beyond children,

Thanks for the replies. Can I just clarify that under no circumstances would I say to my SIL that she brought it on herself, or it's her own fault or anything like that. I feel very sorry for her but I also feel it's a salutory lesson in ensuring that you retain a life of your own while rearing a family, because some day you will need it. I have a couple of friends who are going down a similar road and I can see them in the same position as SIL in about ten years time and I think it's worrying.

And I would think exactly the same if a friend or relative had given all of their time to their job and neglected to develop other parts of their lives. I would be sorry for them when they retired and had nothing else going on, but I would also think it was a shame they didn't try harder to have a work/life balance or understand how important that would be when the job was no longer part of their daily life.

Tbh I didnt mean say out loud I told you so but if we think it about people your attitude to them is different ive done it myself ,

I oost touch with old mum friends I dont work I volunteer I have adult children well 1 is 16 I think I will find it hard when they leave not to the point im distraught I dont think butI am ppositive I willl have empty nest syndrome for a while

OP - you are assuming because of this downside of her choices, then they were the wrong choices overall.

It could well be she wasn't interested in evening classes or work or broadening her life because she was happy with it. Why change a life you are happy with now because in the future it would have to change? Your argument seems to be because it wasn't forever it was completely wrong at the time, but that's not automatically the case.

I have met many older men and woman who have had important and intense careers with no outside interests or hobbies, not wide group of close friends (more aquaintences or for many men, just their DW's friends DHs), then retired and found the change hard, working out how to fill their time.

Most do develop new hobbies and friendships, and i'm sure your SIL, once she's got over the end of one step in her life will be ready to do the next (and being younger, she's more likely to find it easier). It doesn't mean she was completely wrong in her choice for her family at the time to be a long term SAHM - plus if she had taken the choice to return to work, she doesn't sound like the sort of person who would have done lots of courses and had hobbies then either, so would have had the same issue upon retirement.

Some people aren't the 'hobbies' and 'wide range of friends' types. She's probably the 'pottering around the house' type.

She's a different sort of person to you. She might be depressed, or she might be a quiet person who doesn't want lots of "activities" going on.

Does she really not have any friends? Or just not ones you know about? What does she do all day when her DCs are out? at 18 it's unlikely they are taking up a lot of her time and energy, she'll miss them, but I would imagine her life will be pretty similar to it is now, if you are the sort to love spending time with your teenage DCs and be really be sad when your DCs leave home, it's unlikely that a few evening classes would stop you missing them.

Oh yes absolutely what mary said,

Go granny

Tip-top post, Mary.

I didn't assume anything. Her husband approached me a couple of years ago and said he was worried because she was so wrapped up in the kids and now that the second one (at the time) had gone to college she was at a bit of a loose end and trying to smother the younger one (who's now about to leave for college). He asked me if I'd try and get her to go out and about a bit more as she'd lost touch with a lot of the old schoolgate mums and hadn't kept in touch with any of her friends from before motherhood. My husband (his brother) also told me that BIL was worried because his wife was very down, constantly texting and ringing her daughter who was away at University, sitting around the house doing nothing all day and he knew it would get worse when the last child left.
So I invited her along to the gym, to a couple of talks and classes I wanted to attend and even asked her to come out for a meal with myself and a few friends a couple of times. All turned down. Fair enough, she may not have the same interests as me but I did my best.