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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sorry for SIL re empty nest, but to think she brought it on herself?

82 replies

Summerbreezing · 07/07/2014 11:57

Mu SIL's youngest child is leaving for University in September. So it will be just her and BIL for the first time in 25 years. I can understand this is a big life change for her and the empty nest can be hard to come to grips with.
However, SIL is incredibly down about it and acting as if her life is practically over and will no longer have any meaning. I feel very sorry for her but I also think she really never thought ahead to this time while her children were growing and becoming gradually more independent.
She gradually dropped all of her college and work friends as soon as she had children and just replaced them with 'mummy friends' from school and toddler groups, most of whom drifted away as soon as the children got older and no longer wanted to play together. She ignored all suggestions from her husband that she go back to work part time or do some kind of a course to get her out of the house. I asked her a few times if she'd like to come along to an evening class with me or join a gym but she wasn't interested. She basically just invested all of her time and energy in her children, to the exclusion of everything else, and is now totally bereft.
AIBU to think this is a very short sighted thing to do and it's important to remember that your children won't be at home with you forever and you need to retain or rediscover some interests and activities of your own for when that day comes? I hate seeing SIL like this, it's almost as if someone belonging to her has died.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summerbreezing · 07/07/2014 13:01

zzzz Did you even read my OP. I made it clear that her husband has been anxious about her for a while and involved me in trying to get her to broaden her horizons.
And I'm not in a competition to be 'proved' anything. You sound very rude.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 07/07/2014 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vintagejazz · 07/07/2014 13:24

I don't agree zzzzz. There's a big difference between being a devoted mother who's feeling naturally upset at the thought of her last 'baby' leaving home; and being a mother who concentrated on her children to the exclusion of everything else and is left with no friends or interests when the last child has gone.
It's not healthy for her and it's not healthy for the children.
I knew someone like that and after her kids had gone she immediately started banging on about wanting to become a grandmother and how awful it was that neither of her daughters (aged about early to mid twenties) were showing any signs of settling down and giving her a grandchild etc. She was basically living through her children.

And I would say exactly the same about someone who devoted all their time and energy to their career and had no interests of friends when they retired.

VenusDeWillendorf · 07/07/2014 13:28

Thing is zzzzzzz, nobody really listens to people who are rude, so not sure why you're posting, unless just to vent off and be rude all by yourself.
Speak to the hand, ya know!!

OP I think you're doing all you can. Continue to invite your DSis to things, and hopefully she'll find herself again.

PosingInManilla · 07/07/2014 13:35

Slightly different perspective, but my mum and dad have no outsde interests or friends except each other. Well my dad has a few fellas in the pub, but not friends. They have no hobbies. It worries me dreadfully how lonely the other one will be when one of them dies yes I know I'm morbid

Probably totally unfounded, and I'm making links that probably don't exist, but my grandmother was in the same situation with my grandfather and while we all look after her as a family it's a totally different dynamic and I think the loneliness of not having friends/outside interests has possibly exacerbated her depression and dementia. Have no idea whether there is any basis to that whatsover, but it can't be good for anyone surely?

Anyway, sorry, back to OP...no I don't think YANBU to think that, but as other posters have said, be kind, give her time to adjust and see what the future holds.

socksandsandles · 07/07/2014 13:37

I guess whatever she's done, she's done it with the right heart. . Yes, she's probably fully aware that she should have made a bit of a life for herself, which is probably adding to the mix. I expect she needs some kindness and understanding at the moment. Then, moving forward, encouragement that all is not lost and ideas on how to fill this next season in her life x

5Foot5 · 07/07/2014 13:38

Well I imagine it is pretty normal to be a bit down when you get an "empty nest" even if you have other things to occupy you. I will let you know in a few months!! My DD will be going to Uni this September, she is an only so it will be just DH and I for the first time in 18 years. I work full time and have plenty of leisure interests out of the home but even so I expect to find it a bit of a wrench. (Gulp)

Given how independent DCs start to become as they get older I am surpised that she had the opportunity to be so wrapped up in her DC right until the time they left that she had no time for anything else. After 16 or so didn't they arrange much of their own social life etc.?

Anyway, maybe she has resisted your attempts to involve her in things in the past when she still had her DC at home. But going forward when she really has got that empty nest and time on her hands, maybe that is a good time to start extending the invitations to join you in things again. She might be wmore willing to take you up on the offer.

Or maybe she should get a dog or something?

TheWordFactory · 07/07/2014 13:43

I know women like this.

They convince themsleves it's necessary. They often are a bit judgey of othger mothers who kept up work and/or social lives...

It's a salutory lesson ...

zzzzz · 07/07/2014 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

numptieseverywhere · 07/07/2014 13:52

cynical about the timing and motives of certain posters on this thread...

Donnadoon · 07/07/2014 13:53

Gawd...This is going to be me
Interesting thread

GoblinLittleOwl · 07/07/2014 13:59

But don't you feel sorry for the brother-in-law!

Vintagejazz · 07/07/2014 14:07

zzzz it is unhealthy to become so absorbed in one are of your life that you completely neglect everything else; whether it's someone who works 18 hour days in the office and has no friends or social life, someone who lives purely for their social life and thinks the day will never come when they need a steady job and some savings and a secure roof over their head; or someone who is so focussed on their children that they have no other resources to draw on and make those children their only reason for living.

Most people makes some attempt at getting a bit of balance into their lives. The people who don't end up paying a difficult price somewhere down the line - retired and lonely with no friends; still living in a grotty bedsit with a low paid job in your fifties; or wandering aimlessly around an empty house because you've nothing else to do.

BomChickaMeowMeow · 07/07/2014 14:09

I agree OP. I don't think it's ever a good idea to forget who you are as a person and invest everything in your children. I don't really get people who are like that, mostly women. It's like their life only started when they had children. I don't think it's very good for society or for children to be brought up like that as well, with a mother martyr. A terrible example for girls, and you can imagine boys when they get married expecting their wives to fulfil the same role. Of course the opposite is horrible too - somewhere in between is the ideal.

Though I think ENS and depression can hit anyone, however much you have your own life, you are more likely to enjoy your future if you have invested in yourself and your relationship over the years and not just your kids. Treat your SIL with kindness and compassion while resolving to do things differently yourself.

TheWordFactory · 07/07/2014 14:09

If it's unhealthy for the Mum, imagine what it's like for the DC!

No child needs that sort of pressure. To be the only thing in your Mum's life, and to know she will be bereft when you do something as natural as move out, is far too much...

MrsWinnibago · 07/07/2014 14:09

YANBU. I worry about my sister when it comes to this. She completely surrounded herself with her DC, their friend's parents etc. But saying that, my Mum and Dad always had busy, active lives when I was growing up...both worked...I was last to leave home and Mum said "it was like a death"

Who knows how it hits people.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 07/07/2014 14:12

What d'you mean numpties?

zzzzz · 07/07/2014 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vintagejazz · 07/07/2014 14:16

I presumed it was her husband's sibling and their spouse. So both ILs.

I think the husband was worried because his wife had no friends or social life or interests outside of the house and he could see how lonely she would be when the remaining child left. He was being a thoughtful and concerned partner.

zzzzz · 07/07/2014 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosingInManilla · 07/07/2014 14:17

numptieseverywhere
cynical about the timing and motives of certain posters on this thread...

Daily Mail think piece on the cheap you mean? Or something else tell me tell me

zzzzz · 07/07/2014 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susiedaisy · 07/07/2014 14:25

I think that the empty nest feeling can happen to anyone regardless of not having any outside interests. Your sil may feel it more keenly because she hasn't got much going on outside of the kids and home. The people I know who are like that have tended to just kill time and get by until the grand kids come along and them they become heavily involved with them and no longer feel at a lost.

JessMcL · 07/07/2014 14:27

She needs to get out.

DS was struggling with anxiety and depression until a few months ago- and I found it near on impossible to leave him to go to work and do other things to the extent I had to quit my job so I was able to be there for him when I needed him.

It was great in his "dark days"- but now I find it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that he is a lot more confident, has a girlfriend and a baby on the way. I interfere too much- I know I do, but it's difficult because for a long time he very much needed my support when he should of been starting to stand on his own two feet- just yesterday it filled me with dread when he told me he was going to London for the day with a friend to look at unis together- and I went into Mum panic mode which isn't normal as he is 18, going on 19 and will be moving out in a couple of months with his girlfriend.

So OP- I can guess what sort of place your SIL is in at the moment. You need to get her out of the house- even if you don't really want to; be a good relative and take her to the gym, to a pottery class or whatever- or suggest you do some volunteering in a charity shop together 1/2 days a week?

She will soon find her independence again and be able to be the "Mum" she should be at this stage of her children(s?) lives- I know I have and i'm a much better Mum for it. I do have 3 younger girls who still need more support from me- but i'm recognising the fact that DS doesn't need the mollycoddling that my girls need anymore.

It can be a tough pill to take- but she's going to whether she likes it or not, so she might as well find a way to enjoy it.

Meerka · 07/07/2014 15:21

and I found it near on impossible to leave him to go to work and do other things to the extent I had to quit my job so I was able to be there for him when I needed him

jessMcL did you mean to write the last 3 words of that sentance like that?

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