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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call and message ex to prove a point?

31 replies

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 10:40

I have had it with him I understand he's asking certain things about dcs but he's not really that bothered he doesn't see or call them often only when he feels like it anyway dts1 hit his head on fri nothing serious just a bump he was pissed off that I didn't tell him bearing In mind I haven't spoken to him for almost two weeks why would I call? I dealt with it without him as I deal with everything else which is what I told him he flipped as usual and told me he wants to know everything they do during the day.
So I have taken it upon myself to txt every mundane detail of what they are doing including going to the toilet...so Aibu?

OP posts:

SloanePeterson · 07/07/2014 10:43

Yes yabu. Don't use your dc this way. You two are meant to be the grown ups here. Try and work out your differences for the sake of your dc. It can be done

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 10:46

Oh believe me I have tried I honestly cannot take anymore

OP posts:

Montegomongoose · 07/07/2014 11:03

He's their dad, why wouldn't he want to know everything?

You do need to separate your feelings towards him as a ex and start to respect him as the father of your children.

For their sake. Your feelings are irrelevant and if you can't manage them, counselling or reading on the subject would really help take the heat out of your resentful attitude towards him.

It won't be easy but it is best for your children in the long run.

for you

tiredandsadmum · 07/07/2014 11:16

I have that exact situation today. DS bumped his head yesterday (whilst under the care of a babysitter). I was advised too late to let ex know so emailed this morning. I know he will kick off about it (already rants about my bad parenting). The babysitter had more 1st aid training than I do.

But we are in mediation at the moment and the mediator is very hot on communication. All education and health matters do need to be advised to both parents. So I would deal with this one properly and then perhaps ignore some of the other trivia. It is very draining having a controlling ex who wants to know everything. I do understand totally.

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 11:27

I said that in my op of course he has the right to know what they are doing and what's happening with them I tell him everything that's important ie school docs appointments illness I print out a calendar every month to let him know what's going on but for a bump on the head no do you call your dcs dad everytime they fall over and hurt themselves I think not.

I will also respect him as a father when he acts like one
you cannot be respected if you do nothing to earn it as I said he doesn't bother with them unless he has any spare time even then he leaves them with his mum.
I have tried very hard to have some sort of civil relationship with him because of the dcs but is very hard I've tried counselling for both of us and he didn't turn up so I have now reached a point where I don't care what he does he is irrelevant to MY life.

Thank you for the

OP posts:

Jengnr · 07/07/2014 11:38

I don't think you are being U at all. Nor do I think you are using the children (ffs).

I think you should include photos of all nappy changes and/or toilet trips.

Oldraver · 07/07/2014 11:58

Its controlling...you dont have to tell him about the minutiae of everyday, and it always seems to be the couldn't care less fathers that kick up a fuss

He's asked, so I would tell him, everything,

BitOutOfPractice · 07/07/2014 12:01

All you are doing OP is winding yourself up and keeping the irritaion going. Just let it go. He will be laughing at you while work yourself up into a froth

He's an arse. You won't change him by sinking to his level. Rise above. Smile beatifically. Be the winner

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 12:07

Well that's exactly what I've done I have also given him the doctors number so he can make appointments for their pre school jabs (not holding my breath) and surprise surprise he has just called me to say he doesn't need it because it is down to me to do all of that and fuck off he doesn't want to know they are fighting tantrumimg or what they had for lunch so I guess my point has been proven

OP posts:

InThisTogether · 07/07/2014 12:08

(it sounds to me as though you ABU by being pedantic)
sorry

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 12:11

bit it's really not winding me up in the slightest it will annoy him more which I know isn't good to aggravate the situation but some people really need it and he is one of them

OP posts:

IscreamUscream · 07/07/2014 12:12

When my ds was 3 years old he came home after a contact visit with his father, he passed blood in his stool the next day. I asked his father if he had noticed this and he said yeah he might have a belly ache cos he got knocked over by a cyclist and knocked to the floor and that ds should have looked where he was going at the time!
I know it's hard to deal with an unreasonable person but for the sake of your dc let him know and just bite your tongue. He is not worth being wound up over.

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 12:14

No need to be sorry I think I know myself that I'm be a little bit unreasonable

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 07/07/2014 12:14

If it's not winding you up why are you posting in AIBU about it at all?

Just because he's being childish doesn't mean you should sink to his level.

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 12:18

That's my point scream if it was something like that I wouldn't hesitate to inform him that's life threatening IMO but he walked into a dustbin the same bin that is outside my house that he walks Into at least once a bloody week

OP posts:

IscreamUscream · 07/07/2014 12:25

Just tell him that you have moved the bin now and it won't happen again. That of course anything major that's happens you will let him know of. Kids have minor scrapes and bumps that don't need to be reported every five minutes to him.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/07/2014 12:30

It clearly is winding you up OP. Not only are you perpetuating the situation, but you're also posting in AIBU about it.!

Seriously, you will not end up winning like this. Unclench, drop your shoulder and let it go!

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 12:36

alpaca I don't think he's being childish but sometimes you need to get down to somebody else's level to give them what their asking for.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 07/07/2014 12:43

to behonest, if he kicks off and wants to know everything during the day, then let him know everything. email him back stating that he wished to know everything but now saying he does not want to know all the deatils. would he like to state which things in particular he is interested
in.

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 12:46

It's winding me up that he thinks that I should be telling him what is happening every minute of the day because he is going through his I'm Interested in my dcs phase and believe me that's all it is a phase he will call three times this week then not bother for another two or three weeks and in all that time will only see them maybe once if I take them to him.
I'm not Interested in winning anything as the only losers are my dcs who do not see their father because he can't be arsed with them.

I posted in Aibu because I wanted to know if I was or not isn't that what it's for?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 07/07/2014 12:50

If you post in aibu, then be prepared for people to tell you that you are!

I'm not saying your ex isn't a twat. Clearly he is. I'm just saying there's no need for you to join him in twat corner

Itsfab · 07/07/2014 12:59

YANBU imo. Sometimes people are not made of stone and get pissed off when someone in their life is being a dick head. He needs to decide is he a dad or not.

I call DH when the children are hurt to the point of going to hospital or sick to the point of needing to pick them up from school. His children too. Has a right and need to know given that we have loads of kids and I might need him to take over at home or with pick ups but even with one child I would still be calling him.

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 13:05

I was/am fully prepared to be told that I am bu or not it's fine I'm still smiling ??

Well I think that I once a year we should all join. Twats corner just to teach a twat a lesson

OP posts:

Original poster

Onsietwosie · 07/07/2014 13:11

As would I fab I think most parents would but he really has no intention of really being a dad he only wants the fun stuff not the real stuff Like school pick ups ds had and ear infection last week and had to have two days off school which meant I had to have two days off work I asked him to have them in the evening so I could make up my hours but no he had to go to the gym so couldn't have them u mean really.

OP posts:

HayDayQueen · 07/07/2014 13:15

YANBU, not very, anyway!

If I had to tell someone every time one of my DS's bumped or grazed themselves I'd be on the phone permanently at the moment!

If it was serious, you'd have told him. A small bump on the head, sod off! I don't even tell DH about most of the bumps and bruises my DSs get and we're together!

Sounds like you taught him a lesson though! Not dignified, no. But sometimes its quite satisfying to act undignified and petty.

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