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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad that nobody seems to care about my children

39 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 07/07/2014 10:34

I'm a lone parent to ds3 and dd1. Neither my family or exdp's bother with the children. After years of doing all the running to maintain a relationship I've had enough.
AIBU and should I keep chasing people for the sake of my kids or will we be enough for each other?
Feeling especially sad today as it's dd's first birthday and nobody has been bothered to come to see her.

OP posts:

Idontseeanyicegiants · 07/07/2014 10:40

Happy Birthday to your DD!
That's rough but maybe you should leave the ball in their court, see what they do with it. Maybe if you step back and stop doing the running they will realise what they stand to lose.
Do you have some friends close by you could invite round for birthday cake later?

BillyBobbed · 07/07/2014 10:40

Speaking as soneone who's grandparents were never bothered and who's father has lost interest over the years, I can sit here and reassure you that you and your kids will be more than enough for eachother. My siblings and our mother, despite the usual ups and downs as well as a stepdad we haven't always seen eye to eye with, are extremely close. We adore our mum and love nothing better than all getting together for a cuppa and a catch up. We always talk about how hard it was, particularly for her in the early days, but how we wouldn't change a thing. We are all older now and due to our upbringing, very resilient and with high standards, I would say we can read people very well and don't put up with crap.

Give yourself a break, you are doing a brilliant job. The hardest jobs are the ones with the greatest rewards at the end of them believe me

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/07/2014 10:43

Happy birthday to your dd. -baby friendly of course

Forget about that lot. DNA doesn't make anybody family, they earn that privilege. Spend time with friends who care about you both!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/07/2014 10:45

YANBU and happy birthday to your DD. However, YOU care about your children, YOU are a loving mum and that's more than some poor mites have.

I agree wth Giles - forget about relatives who don't care, focus on those that do.

KurriKurri · 07/07/2014 10:47

It's very hurtful when family appear not to care about your children, - I'm sorry you are feeling upset.
Did your relatives send a card or present for your DD today or did they completely forget her birthday? Sometimes people don't visit or call on birthdays (although I always would) so if they have remembered to send a card/gift it may just be that that is their way on birthdays, and they don't realise you are feeling hurt.

In answer to your question - no I wouldn't keep chasing people who aren't interested (I have experienced something similar and its hurtful so you are better off out of it IME) and yes you will be enough for each other. You are the person who matters to your kids.

Happy first birthday to your little one, have a lovely day together as a family and don't let the actions of others upset you. xx

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 07/07/2014 10:51

Thank you all, am crying reading these replies - must be feeling emotional!
My parents are dead and there is not one relative from either side who cares.
Her godmother is calling for cake later so that will be nice, they just deserve so much more. On the plus side, this feeling of us against the world makes me realise how incredibly lucky I am to have my children.
I'm going to stop making all the effort and see what happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 07/07/2014 10:54

Kurri she got a card from my sister and her godmother but that's it.

I always make sure to send a card and ring the children of in laws family if I can't be there in person, which is unlikely.

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Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/07/2014 10:55

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your little one! She has something so precious, which is a mummy that loves her. I can understand your disappointment. But a lovely mum and a lovely godparent is so valuable. Please have a lovely day and don't let their lack of effort spoil it.

AllDirections · 07/07/2014 10:56

BillyBobbed I cried reading your post, I feel so reassured.

Your DC have you Alone and they have each other. I think you're right to stop chasing people. It just makes you feel worse when you realise that they're not bothered.

weatherall · 07/07/2014 10:57

My mums father never bothered visiting me.

I also have an uncle and 2 cousins I've never met.

I never met him but it never bothered me.

DS has a father, 2 gps, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, 4 great gps all of whom, well I don't don't know, pretend he doesn't exist?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/07/2014 10:57

Happy birthday to your dd!

Quality over quantity where kids are concerned. For everything in their life.

MagicMojito · 07/07/2014 10:59

Yes defenetly stop chasing them, your just putting off the inevitable, people who you have to put that sort of effort into will ALWAYS end up letting you down.

Your kids have absolutely everything they need in you :)

Happy Birthday to your dd, have a lovely day XX

HibiscusIsland · 07/07/2014 11:00

Did you invite them over to celebrate it and they didn't come? We tend to invite family over for a low key birthday tea on children's birthday, but I admit if we didn't it might slip my mind that it was one of the niece or nephew's birthdays. On the other hand, if they just aren't interested then I don't think they will miss out by just having you and your friends, after all some people live in a different country from family.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 07/07/2014 11:02

Thats really sad no ones botheres with dd on her birthday. My dps are not very involved with my DC or any of my DBs which makes me a bit sad but the exs family are the opposite and do all sorts with them.

as long as they have you and each other they will be fine but i would ve worried about you never getting a break. Does anyone help out at all?

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 07/07/2014 11:02

Thanks, I hope my kids grow up feeling loved, even if it's just by me. It's impossible to understand these people.

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MagicMojito · 07/07/2014 11:28

Would you really WANT to understand them?!

Fuck em!
Ofcourse your kids will grow up feeling loved, they are loved by 100% of the people who are actually involved in their lives. As pp have said its about the quality of people around you, not the quantity.

Flowerfae · 07/07/2014 11:36

Happy 1st birthday to your daughter :)

I agree with what others said, just step back for a bit, and if they still don't bother then they are not worth bothering about, your children are loved by you and that is the most important thing.

Iownafourinchporsche · 07/07/2014 11:47

The only way to protect your feelings us to lower your expectations of them. Can you see the funny side of them being so crap and have a laugh about it with a friend. This helps me cope really well.

guccihandbag · 07/07/2014 12:17

Hi Aloneandnowwhat, having been a long time lurker i finally registered so that i could reply to your post.
Happy birthday to your DD :-)
I have been in your situation. My DC are now 8 & 10 but until a year ago i was a lone parent from when my DC were the same age your DC are now. I too had nobody. No contact from ex or his family and i had no relationship with my family. I felt so alone and had absolutely no one. I used to take the DC to soft play or the park just to get us out or to the cinema etc.
I felt how you felt too, that i was the only person in the world who cared and loved for my DC and it hurt initially but then i realised that was enough for them. They were happy and thats all i could ask for.
It will get easier as your children get older, they will make friends at school and you in turn will meet other mums and your circle of friends will grow and you won't feel like this.

BillyBobbed · 07/07/2014 12:22

AllDirections, you should feel reassured by it and I'm glad you do

Respect to anyone bringing up their children in difficult circumstances. The kids and the parent are the ones who reap the long term rewards. So much entitlement and family disputes I've seen in people with loads of support, and the children can sometimes be spoilt and reliant on others. Just personal opinion anyway

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 07/07/2014 15:27

Hi Gucci sorry you've been in this situation. I'm the only one for my kids, I have a childminder so I can work but other than that they're with me all the time.
I'm even struggling to write a will with my wishes regarding who will have the children.

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jeanmiguelfangio · 07/07/2014 15:33

Happy Birthday BabyAlone!! And well done you, it cannot be easy to look after 2 little ones and have no one. I kinda understand as none of my dhs family care whatsoever, only if our dd is of use to them. Its sad, frustrating, bloody awful that these grown adults would want nothing to do with a lovely baby but there you go. Their loss.

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 16:19

Yeah, I'd stop trying with someone who can't be bothered to see your kids. Leave the ball in their court.

Happy Birthday to DD!

If it makes you feel better, babies like quiet gatherings more than loud parties. As long as she gets to eat cake and make a mess with icecream, she'll have the best day ever. She doesn't need a bunch of strangers she doesn't really know there for her birthday. :)

Marylou62 · 07/07/2014 19:09

Happy Birthday to your DD! Good advice from all the posters above. With regard to writing your will. I am godmother to my best friends 2 DC. I am also their legal guardian if anything were to happen to her or her DH. She has some problems with her family and she wants me to bring them up if the worst happens. So what about their Godmother?

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 07/07/2014 22:34

Yes I think godmother should be top of the list, she is lovely but childless through choice so need to really have serious discussion about the gravity of taking my two babies in.
We had a lovely quiet day, messy picnic in the garden and cake. Ex came over this afternoon just to bump the numbers up - I normally wouldn't go out of my way to spend time together.
I'm so lucky to have my children and stuff the rest!

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