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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be surprised that we're 'not getting anywhere'

34 replies

SEmyarse · 06/07/2014 17:05

Dh has just had a whinge (a recurrent one) that we're not getting anywhere. this was triggered because I have just paid a tax bill, and we have also recently purchased a new (14 plate) van for my work. We have been saving for the last 5 years knowing I would need this for work since I do such high mileage, so I murdered the previous one.

So now he's just moaned that we 'only have a few grand' in the bank. And I've laughed and looked puzzled at him, which has annoyed him. Which is when he said we weren't getting anywhere.

But I've not actually managed to get out of him where it is we're supposed to be getting to. And surely a few grand in the bank is a good thing since I'm just a self employed van driver and he does 12 hours care work a week. I'm quite happy for him to work part time, in fact since he detests his job I've said many times I don't mind if he gives up altogether and we'll manage, but he carries on, and says he'll get a different part time job, but I've not known him apply for a single one.

So we both have unskilled jobs (apart from driving licence), but if he wants to 'get somewhere' he's the one with a degree! He's the one that is bothered, but as far as I can tell we can do everything except buy a house. Which is so far out of our reach it's laughable, so he'll have to put up with our HA house, which actually he doesn't express displeasure with. So where the hell is it that he wants to get to??

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 06/07/2014 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya · 06/07/2014 17:12

Is he living in cloud cuckoo land? He works twelve hours a week and he's whining because he only has two grand savings?

What does he expect?

ICanHearYou · 06/07/2014 17:16

It sounds to me he is dismissing your achievements out of hand.

I would not be happy at all about his lack of career, he will be miserable because he is unfulfilled at work and taking this out on you.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2014 17:18

12 hours a week?

I would expect to be happy as larry with all you've got on 12 hours a week.

Nowhere else in the world would that happen.

PumpkinPie2013 · 06/07/2014 17:20

If he wants more in the bank he needs to increase his hours!

What is his degree in?

Does he hate care work or is it just the particular place he works he doesn't like?

If it's the place he can look for a job elsewhere.

If he enjoys care and wants to go further can he do a nursing degree? I believe there are grants available (think it's an NHS bursary but he'd have to check).

It's no good him moaning - he needs to do something about it.

PumpkinPie2013 · 06/07/2014 17:20

If he wants more in the bank he needs to increase his hours!

What is his degree in?

Does he hate care work or is it just the particular place he works he doesn't like?

If it's the place he can look for a job elsewhere.

If he enjoys care and wants to go further can he do a nursing degree? I believe there are grants available (think it's an NHS bursary but he'd have to check).

It's no good him moaning - he needs to do something about it.

londonrach · 06/07/2014 17:22

12 hours a week... Of course he not going yo get anywhere. He needs to increase his hours.

scarletforya · 06/07/2014 17:26

in fact since he detests his job I've said many times I don't mind if he gives up altogether and we'll manage

Woah, be careful there Op. You don't want to end up with a cocklodger on your hands! Hmm

Original poster
SEmyarse · 06/07/2014 17:55

No cocklodger here.

He does the housework etc a million times better than I ever do, and I'll quite happily sell my soul to never have to cook, clean, do laundry etc. He also does loads of stuff with the kids so no complaints there. I seriously have no problem with him being a sahd.

But if he wants more money, then he'll have to do some more work (and I'll begrudgingly have to do some more housework). And I do wish he'd tell me what he wants this money for!

OP posts:
ICanHearYou · 06/07/2014 18:01

Lets face it, a HA place is as good as a mortgage.

His attitude would piss me off no end. i

littledrummergirl · 06/07/2014 18:07

I know what you mean.

We have a roof over our head, food on the table, time to spend with each other and as a family. All of our expenses/bills are paid.

We are told by the media that we should have a newer car, bigger house in a better area, more time at work so we can buy more crap we are told we need- bigger tvs, newer phones etc.

I disagree and so will never get anywhere( at least according to the media).

Fideliney · 06/07/2014 18:07

Without a plan, there's nowhere to get to, is there? Confused

It doesn't sound like there is a plan.

Original poster
SEmyarse · 06/07/2014 18:15

I don't have a plan. Maybe I should? i don't know, do other people have plans?

OP posts:
Fideliney · 06/07/2014 18:23

Some do, some don't.

My (unclear) point was it sounds as though he is complaining about lack of progress with a plan. But there is no plan. So he is BVU.

amy83firsttimer · 06/07/2014 18:23

No plans here!!!! We're proud of being unambitious. Time with each other and preferably a very early retirement is the aim. I'm hoping that the bump and it's future sibling are both same gender purely so I don't have to move house from my lovely cheap 2 bed terrace!

andsmile · 06/07/2014 18:27

We have a few hundred quid in the bank. A bunch of debt that people would recoil at. We are spenders and like to live. My DH is the only earner but does bring in a fair whack.

I hope this give you some perspective - to save and have a few grand in the bank after making a large purchase is to be commended in my book.

You need to get it out of him where he wants to get to then make a plan to get there.

BeatriceBean · 06/07/2014 18:30

V. Early retirement is a plan thoufh isn't it. And presumably well paid jobs to enable you to save to put that in place.

Original poster
SEmyarse · 06/07/2014 19:30

oh he can't wait to retire that's for sure

but i don't understand his apparent surprise when looking at our bank balance. 'Oh look, we're 15k down on a few months ago!' Well yes, that's because we've spent out 15k on the things that we have been saving for. 'But we're back to where we were 4-5 years ago.'

Of course! It's basic maths. I don't get why, on our lifestyle, earnings and career choice he expects there to be more mont floating about than accounted for.

And then he has a minigloomfest 'Oh when will we start getting somewhere!' Well where do you want to get to? I feel like I've just got somewhere, I now have a brand new van totally paid for, whereas the last one was on finance for 3 years. Apparently that's not getting somewhere since we still only have a few grand in the bank.

OP posts:
ChelsyHandy · 06/07/2014 19:39

Fair enough, he looks after the kids and does the household stuff while you work full-time. But if he is moaning about not getting anywhere, surely he made sure to build up his career before having kids, got a mortgage while employed then, etc? Otherwise who does he think is going to do it for him?

Vans are good value for money compared to cars.

Original poster
SEmyarse · 06/07/2014 19:58

to be fair, he had a full time job and mortgage with his previous partner, so he was the organised one. he never wanted kids

when we met though, i was on benefits, having been widowed with 2 kids and he took my 2 on as his own. i didn't want any more and he def didn't want any, but after multiple contraception failure we ended up with dd2. so he's been fab coping with the lot of them

i just don't understand his utter disappointment that to have bought the van, a shitload of money seems to have left our bank account.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 06/07/2014 21:22

He's probably been looking at the number growing and despite knowing you were putting money aside for the van, he's still been sort of thinking of it as fall back money rather than money that was "already spent". I think it's quite a common eotional reaction to spending a big chunk of money. Give him time to adjust.

If you're self employed wouldn't it make more sense to have that money in a seperate "business account"? Even if it makes no difference from a business perspective, it might make him feel better if he doesn't see the pot the growing only to have it whipped out from under.

missymayhemsmum · 06/07/2014 23:08

Perhaps he is only just realising that once you have kids getting by financially is an achievement- getting 'anywhere' would be a miracle!

You are getting somewhere- you're providing for the family, and investing in the children's future, without working stupid hours. Having a couple of grand in the bank as well and a new van paid for is impressive!

IckleBird · 06/07/2014 23:23

Sounds like a mini sort of financial panic moment. .
Iv have no savings but when I have as little as say £200 and it gets spent then I feel down and panicky but for no reason.

Maybe a plain chat about where he wants to go in life money wise is needed, if he isnt forth coming then just leave him to it..

BadLad · 06/07/2014 23:28

The mentality of having a few grand in the bank is quite different from the mentality of having only a few grand.

My mentality is similar to your husband's. I like seeing assets (including savings) going up and would panic with no safety net.

On the other hand, if he agreed to the money being spent on the van, he is unreasonable to complain about it now. And it's not as if you got nothing for the money. If the van is for work, you presumably expect it to pay for itself.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/07/2014 23:32

DH and I are pretty good earners but we have no savings and 12k debt. I think you're in a great position

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