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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a hard mean bitch?

37 replies

Weathergames · 06/07/2014 15:49

I had a disagreement with a colleague.

Her partner has 4 kids aged between 17 and 24.

His ex wife is remarried and one of the kids has left home, 2 at home but working 1 in full time education.

He still pays full maintenance for all 4 of them ferries them around etc, and is totally skint and he struggles financially.

I said this was nuts and he should only pay for the 17 yr old (DSS left full time education aged 18 and which point OH stopped paying his mum maintenance and DSS started giving her housekeeping - I fully expect my ex to do the same).

She said "yes but they still eat at home and use the electric etc" to which I replied "yes but that's for them to sort with their mum not for him to fund?".

Obvs that situation is none of my business but AIBU to have an expectation that when my kids turn 18 and start full time employment/uni their dad will cease his payments and if they live here they will pay their way? I thought that was normal but I am now doubting myself and wondering if I am a harsh mean cow?! :S

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2014 15:53

No, he should be paying for 3 adults who are working. Even on JSA they can afford to give their mum housekeeping.

You will get a range of responses - some folk like to infantilise their children into their 30's without expecting them to get a fucking job or pay housekeeping Wink

LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2014 15:54

shouldnt obviously

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 15:57

We met a lovely couple on holiday who left their 3 adult children at home with a fully stocked fridge/freezer.

She then kept saying (kind if proudly) "we wonder when they will phone us to ask where we've hidden the credit card". Shock

OP posts:
ScarlettDragon · 06/07/2014 15:58

Crikey, I left home when I was 17. By 24 I was married with a baby and had 11 year old DSD living with us. Maintenance? As if! The man is insane. I still get help from my dad now at the ripe old age of 35, but I always pay him back (although he doesn't always take it). But would never expect it. My DSD is 21 and working full time. She lives with her nan, and pays her keep/rent. According to what this man does DH should be paying maintenance for her? Hmm

YANBU.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 06/07/2014 15:59

Totally agree with you - if he continues to fund them, they will never learn how to look after themselves.
He should maybe help with the young person still in full-time education, but as for the rest of them, they should be earning and paying their own way.

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 16:02

I was on JSA as a teen for a bit and still have my mum housekeeping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 16:02

Gave!!!!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2014 16:25

It depends. If he would have been this person living with them, he probably should, in the interests of fairness be that person if he isn't living with them. The infantalising and being a mug is a separate issue IMO.

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 16:30

Erm -eh?

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 06/07/2014 16:34

Um, I think you should do whatever suits you and your family and leave others to manage their own.

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 16:36

I did say the situation described was none of my business FFS :)

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 06/07/2014 16:39

I think MrsTP is trying to say that he should do what he would have done if he was still with his exW - if he's that sort of person to fund his adult children in whatever lifestyle they choose.

I don't think you're a hard mean bitch at all though - I think he's cracked too - unless he has some sort of "alimony" arrangement with his exW, then he shouldn't be paying for them after they're 18, unless they're still in full time education.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/07/2014 16:40

It really isn't your business to question how somebody spends thier money, if he happy to pay child support after child benefit stops then that's his choice.

My DC are young, but I doubt there will be a time when I wouldn't support them.

Thumbwitch · 06/07/2014 16:41

Just had a closer read - one of the children has left home and he's still paying maintenance to his exW for said child? WTAF for??

Optimist1 · 06/07/2014 16:41

As to maintenance, yes of course he should still be paying for the youngest. He may even choose to continue to make a contribution if this child goes on to higher education. The two who are over 18 and working should, as PPs have said, be making their own financial arrangements with their mother. And paying maintenance to their mother for the child who's over 18 and has left home is frankly ridiculous!

As an aside, he may choose to do a bit of ferrying around for them as an extra, which would be kind.

I never cease to be amazed at how some people are so grabby and some others are such financial doormats. You're not hard or mean, OP.

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 16:41

Erm - I am not "questioning" how anyone spends their money if you read the OP.

OP posts:
frames · 06/07/2014 16:41

He is a bit of a soft touch, but there is plenty like him.

LadyLemongrab · 06/07/2014 16:42

I don't really care Smile (FFS)

I'm sure you're not actually Hard mean harsh bitch cow, or whatever it was, and there's no need to be so snippy to those bothering to give some thought to your, in all fairness, rather dull thread.

NadiaWadia · 06/07/2014 16:43

I'd agree with you if they are working, but not for those at uni, as there is an expectation that parents help out there. Most of what they receive as a student loan cannot be counted as income, as it has to be paid back one day, and it is tough for young people.

One of DD's housemates last year had parents who expected her to pay board money if she went home in the holidays (while she still had to pay rent in the university town of course). Consequently she hardly went home. Her parents both had decent jobs and I thought that was incredibly mean.

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 16:46

ladylemongrab

How bitchy and nasty.

Why bother commenting if it's so dull?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 06/07/2014 16:52

Maybe if the 18 year olds were at University/higher education. Otherwise he's being taken advantage of.

fedupbutfine · 06/07/2014 17:04

Obvs that situation is none of my business but AIBU to have an expectation that when my kids turn 18 and start full time employment/uni their dad will cease his payments and if they live here they will pay their way? I thought that was normal but I am now doubting myself and wondering if I am a harsh mean cow?! :S

so...if she says you'll need to pay up or leave 'cos I can no longer afford to keep you, what happens? Pretty much certain the ex wife will be accused of not giving a shit about her children now that they're no longer a 'cash cow' for her.

It is a difficult situation for many people and I find it heartening to read that there are NRPs out there who recognise that the financial responsbility of bringing up children doesn't end just because they suddenly turn the magical 16/18/21. I think much of it depends on how you were brought up yourself- I always worked whilst I was in education and my parents never took a penny from me. But nor did they fund any of my more interesting stuff in life such as travelling...and more travelling. When my marriage broke down, I ended up back with my mum at the grand old age of 39 for a couple of months - with my children in tow - and she refused any money from me then. She was very happy to be in a position to help us. Crucially, my parents (and then later just my mum when my dad died) were in a good financial position which meant they did not have to worry about an extra mouth to feed. That's not the case for everybody.

Even if the mum in this scenario enters into an arrangement with her children to pay 'board', how likely is it that this will cover the actual costs of having them under her roof? Why should mum shoulder those costs on her own? I think most parents prefer their children to be safe, not living in a grotty bedsit or with people they don't get along with, struggling to keep the electric on which means having them at home until such a time as they are ready to leave. Surely it is reasonable that both parents contribute if this is the case? Moreover, how many step parents would relish the idea of their adult step 'child' knocking on the door asking for somewhere to live because their other parent can no longer afford to have them...what happens then?!

It's difficult. I don't think 'maintenance' should be paid if it's causing hardship to another family, but I don't think it's as black and white as the OP would like to believe.

Original poster
Weathergames · 06/07/2014 17:06

I don't believe any situation is black and white.

OP posts:
millionsofpeaches · 06/07/2014 17:08

When my dsis and I reached the age of 18 my dad stopped paying my mum maintenance and gave it direct to us instead as we were going to university. If we had been in employment it would have stopped altogether. I don't see any reason why he should be paying exw maintenance for the older ones at all.

littlemisssarcastic · 06/07/2014 17:08

Is he giving this maintenance to the mother though rather than the children?
If he is giving it directly to the children, then that is his choice and nothing to do with his xw really.
If he is giving the money to his xw, is this to top up her income when the tax credits ended and her outgoings remained the same due to having 3 out of 4 of their children still living at home?

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