Am I a hard mean bitch?

[Weathergames]

I had a disagreement with a colleague.

Her partner has 4 kids aged between 17 and 24.

His ex wife is remarried and one of the kids has left home, 2 at home but working 1 in full time education.

He still pays full maintenance for all 4 of them ferries them around etc, and is totally skint and he struggles financially.

I said this was nuts and he should only pay for the 17 yr old (DSS left full time education aged 18 and which point OH stopped paying his mum maintenance and DSS started giving her housekeeping - I fully expect my ex to do the same).

She said "yes but they still eat at home and use the electric etc" to which I replied "yes but that's for them to sort with their mum not for him to fund?".

Obvs that situation is none of my business but AIBU to have an expectation that when my kids turn 18 and start full time employment/uni their dad will cease his payments and if they live here they will pay their way? I thought that was normal but I am now doubting myself and wondering if I am a harsh mean cow?! :S

It was part of my parents' divorce settlement that my dad pay my mum maintenance for my brother and I until we had finished full time education, which included our BAs but not beyond. We lived away at uni but my mum had the costs to bear when we were home for holidays, as well as various transport costs etc. Once we had finished uni the maintenance stopped and I left home for good to continue studying up north while my brother went home and paid rent while he continued studying in London.

Well he's not funding them really. They are living with their mother. If he stopped paying, they would still be living with their mother. The mother doesn't just get to opt out because they turned 18 so why should the father? Not all parents decide to charge their children board when they turn 18 and i just think he's being fair.

They're not all living with their mother though, one of them's left home!

Also if the mother is in a low paying job, ie nmw, her income would probably take a substantial hit once the children leave full time non advanced education so while the cost of having the children living with her don't change, her income would change drastically and for the posters who say the children could work part time and make up some or all of that shortfall, it can add up to quite a lot of money, so it poses the question why should the children shoulder that cost while the father contributes nothing at that point.

It becomes a moral obligation rather than a legal one I agree but if the xw and this man were still together, they probably would shoulder the cost together and I see no reason why that shouldn't continue if they are both happy for it to.
I'd have more respect for my father if he took as much responsibility as my mother where he could on things they'd both previously agreed on, ie both helping put their children through university.

Does the money for the 24 year old go direct to them? I could understand the father wanting to help them out if money is tight, but it would be mad still to be paying maintenance for that child to the mother.

So far as the ones living at home are concerned, I agree that some maintenance would probably be appropriate because the reality is that most parents like to help their kids out by charging reduced or no rent, particularly these days when it is so hard to afford to move away from home. However, it would make sense to agree with the mother that she will charge at least something for rent and to reduce maintenance by that amount.

Thumbwitch, Despite one of the children having left home, if the xh feels he can afford to top up the xw's income to a sustainable level, that's up to him surely.
If the xw has a low paying job, she has possibly lost a huge amount of money already as her children have 1 by 1 left full time education.
There are so many possible reasons as to why he would want to do this, perhaps he wants his xw to be able to afford to remain living there I'm the event that his children need to go back home, perhaps the mortgage is almost paid off and he wants to wait until then, perhaps his xw is taking steps to train for a better paid job and he is supporting her until she is able to support herself.

No one knows what really goes on behind closed doors but the 2 people who have chosen to do this.

You did see that his exW is married to someone else, didn't you, littlemiss? Why on earth should this man be supporting his exW and her husband?

And also, the OP has said that he is skint because of it - so he can't easily afford to keep his exW and her new husband topped up.

Sorry, missed that bit.

i wouldn't mind my children livingat home past 18. they would be expected to contribute though, one way or another.

Thanks for translating Thumbwitch. That was what I was getting at.