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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have expected her to ask DS this?

36 replies

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/07/2014 15:13

DS was playing out with DSS today. DP happened to look out of the window and saw our neighbour, who is also the mother of a child the boys play with, talking to our boys. He called me over and said it looked like she was maybe telling DS off. I wondered what he'd done wrong and said I'd ask him when he came in.

When the boys came in, I asked what neighbour had been speaking to them about and was astounded at the answer...

'...she was asking me if I was adopted'.

Background is that yes, DS is adopted. He had apparently told another child this and this mother had now asked 'Are you adopted?' He said he didn't know what to say so just replied yes, to which she asked him 'really?' He replied again yes, and she then turned to DSS and asked him 'Is he?' DSS also said yes and again she asked him 'really?' and then 'is he really?'.

My poor boy said he was really uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. I've told him in future to simply say 'I'd rather not talk about it'. He reluctantly agreed he will but is scared to because he thinks it may sound rude.

He has had these questions before from children who don't understand it's not the thing to ask, but AIBU to expect an adult not to ask such personal questions?

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 05/07/2014 15:19

Crass and insensitive of her.

mineofuselessinformation · 05/07/2014 15:20

YANBU. It's a very personal question....
Perhaps you could give him something to say in response so he knows he has a 'stock' answer to give.
I'm not an adoptive parent so have never come across this particular situation so am not sure if 'you could ask my mum about that' would be appropriate?

bayrans · 05/07/2014 15:22

You are NBU, she is BVU and also extremely rude and insensitive. What a twattish response!

Thumbwitch · 05/07/2014 15:25

What a rude cow! Not only for asking in the first place, but then for doubting the reply and seeking further verification! I'm shocked at how fucking rude that is, actually! ShockAngry

I hope your DS and DSS are both ok. They shouldn't have been put on the spot like that at all. :(

TruJay · 05/07/2014 15:31

I'd be going straight over the road and asking her who the hell she thinks she is really if it was me.

And would be telling my son that his answer should be "yes i am and if u have a problem with that then u should go and talk to my mum about it"

who in their right mind asks a child if they are adopted??! There are some strange folk in this world

tripecity · 05/07/2014 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andro · 05/07/2014 15:41

I might expect those questions from a child (depending on age) but an adult really ought to have more discretion.

Nomama · 05/07/2014 15:45

Christ. What if he had not known he was? What a can of worms she could have opened!

I'd probably spend a couple of minutes calming down, then I'd have to go and have a word with her. Maybe to scare her a bit, maybe :

he has only just been told and is really sensitive and now I am worried he may not cope well and might have to arrange a counsellor and oh god the summer holidays are ruined why couldn't you have asked me or just minded your own business?

CoolCat2014 · 05/07/2014 16:00

Very rude!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/07/2014 16:03

I think "why do you want to know?" is quite a good way of handling personal and intrusive questions.

appealtakingovermylife · 05/07/2014 16:18

How old are your boys? I can't believe that an adult would ask a child this. What if, for example your ds didn't know he was adopted and then told you what this person said, unbelievable:(
I would be having a word with her and I'm not confrontational in any way, there are some things you just don't say to children, quite frankly, it's none of her business.

Original poster
Bocolatechiscuit · 05/07/2014 16:24

Thank you all. The boys are both 8. I think she did know he knew because it had come from a child he had already mentioned it to, I just really didn't expect an adult to put him (and DSS) on the spot like that.

I think I will go and speak to her. She's out at the mo but I will speak to her when she gets home. I too hate confrontation and don't want to fall out with a neighbour, but feel I need to explain how uncomfortable it made DS feel and ask her to ask me in future if she has any more personal questions to ask. I mean, it would be like me asking her son if his mum and dad are divorced or if the man he lives with is his real dad or something! Just totally unthinkable. I'm glad it wasn't just me feeling it was totally inappropriate of her.

OP posts:
kawliga · 05/07/2014 16:26

Don't go over and pick a fight with the other mother, that is ridiculous advice. Do some posters spend all their time fighting with other people? Hmm

Your ds will face awkward questions his whole life, there is NO way you can police what people will ask him and some people are complete nutters with no social boundaries they will ask about anything they have no shame.

The solution is not to go fighting everybody who asks your ds the wrong thing, but to teach your ds to be strong in the face of the very strange questions he will face in this life.

Single mum here, and there are mothers out there who ask my dd 'who is your father' when I'm not there. I do not hunt them down with a view to killing them, I talk to dd, ask her what she said, and try to show her that it's all ok.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2014 16:28

Why on earth would she care, and what on earth has it got to do with her anyway? Does she think he needs to wear a label?

Unpleasant cow! No adult should ask children they're not at all close to, personal questions. Tell her to mind her own business in future!

kawliga · 05/07/2014 16:36

I too hate confrontation and don't want to fall out with a neighbour

Well then, do not take advice from posters who are very comfortable with confrontation.

Also, what are you teaching your son? Being adopted is not a shameful thing. Do you want his adoption to be something his mother fights with the neighbours about??

Koothrapanties · 05/07/2014 16:45

Kawliga I don't think the op is going to pick a fight, but it is worth having a word I think. It is very personal and inappropriate and your ds shouldn't have been upset like that. Her reaction made it sound like being adopted is weird and unusual, that's not on.

Nomama · 05/07/2014 16:50

That kind of assumes that any adult conversation needs to be a fight!

It is possible to go and talk to the neighbour and to paraphrase my previous post and so not get into any kid of altercation.

OP could answer any and all questions neighbour has and let her know that her way of asking bothered 2 kids enough to get a bottom lip tremble. That's all!

kawliga · 05/07/2014 16:52

Koothra I agree with having a word. It's always good to talk. This woman might learn something about adoption and about not upsetting children by asking them personal questions. That's if OP is in the mood to talk, or if this woman is her friend.

I did not agree with the posters who were saying ask her who the hell she thinks she is, tell her to button her lip, just to scare her, etc. That is confrontational and ridiculous. Unfortunately this world is full of people who ask personal and hurtful questions, and I think OP's ds will face a bunch of those if he is adopted. Really think carefully how he should deal with this (hint: not confrontational).

Nomama · 05/07/2014 16:56

Why would he face any questions because he is adopted?

And why not throw a scare into the woman? A little one, a quick thought of 'oops, maybe I did that wrong?'.

That is, after all, the whole point of talking to her at all. To let her know she handled that whole conversation badly!

kawliga · 05/07/2014 17:05

Why nomama, why would it be a good idea to scare her? OP doesn't sound like the sort of person who wants to go round scaring the neighbours, she sounds like she is wondering how best to help her ds.

FayeKorgasm · 05/07/2014 17:12

Who the hell are these people who think that that is an appropriate question to ask anyone let alone a child?

I would give her a very large piece of my mind.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/07/2014 17:13

How inappropriate, rude, crass and just gob smackingly stupid.

Do have a chat and explain how wrong that could have gone, and how upsetting it was for your ds. Why the need to interrogate him and ask for verification - sounds like she didn't believe him. Ugh. Unpleasant woman. I am angry on your behalf. Foul woman, immature and crass. Ugh!

But also, do wait until you calm down, you want to educate, not berate, and she will be defensive and probably rude back if she feels under attack/ in the wrong, which won't achieve anything good.

Tricky one to handle and good luck Flowers

Nomama · 05/07/2014 17:14

I think I explained that in my last post... a little scare to make her rethink. An 'oops' thought, not an oh fuck I am going to die, this bitch is going to kill me, scare! I also think my first post was self explanatory - cathartic thought / blathering rather than angry action.

(I must remember that being amusingly absurd stream of word posts, lacking punctuation, as in stream of consciousness blathering, are not an MN thing!)

TruJay · 05/07/2014 17:28

Whether people agree or not, if someone asked my son that I would 100% be making a point of going to this woman and airing ny view on what she did.

she obviously doesn't care about upsetting this child and quite frankly has no real social skills so why should she be offered any in return.

if my first post said "I'd being going over and smacking her in the face" then yes I would agree that that is too much but this woman needs to know that what she did was unacceptable. She knows it wasn't appropriate to ask anyway as she asked OP's son and not OP.

kawliga · 05/07/2014 17:44

she obviously doesn't care about upsetting this child and quite frankly has no real social skills

Maybe. Some people just let their curiosity get the better of them and will ask children inappropriate personal questions when they think the parents won't know. This woman was curious about the adoption. I have had people curious about who my dd's father is. I have also overheard people asking dc 'does your mother work? where does she go every morning?' out of sheer curiosity.

Unless you keep your dc pinned to your side people will ask them inappropriate personal questions. Give your child the confidence to tell grown-ups POLITELY to sod off. Like a poster said upthread: 'I prefer not to talk about that'. They have to learn to do this themselves, you can't go round fighting that battle for them.