To not have expected her to ask DS this?

[Bocolatechiscuit]

DS was playing out with DSS today. DP happened to look out of the window and saw our neighbour, who is also the mother of a child the boys play with, talking to our boys. He called me over and said it looked like she was maybe telling DS off. I wondered what he'd done wrong and said I'd ask him when he came in.

When the boys came in, I asked what neighbour had been speaking to them about and was astounded at the answer...

'...she was asking me if I was adopted'.

Background is that yes, DS is adopted. He had apparently told another child this and this mother had now asked 'Are you adopted?' He said he didn't know what to say so just replied yes, to which she asked him 'really?' He replied again yes, and she then turned to DSS and asked him 'Is he?' DSS also said yes and again she asked him 'really?' and then 'is he really?'.

My poor boy said he was really uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. I've told him in future to simply say 'I'd rather not talk about it'. He reluctantly agreed he will but is scared to because he thinks it may sound rude.

He has had these questions before from children who don't understand it's not the thing to ask, but AIBU to expect an adult not to ask such personal questions?

Nosey cow! I think I would be having a word, just to tell her that it was completely inappropriate and incredibly nosey to ask a question like that of a child.

I don't know that I would encourage your son to say "I'd rather not talk about it" because there's something negative about that, I would encourage him to say, "Yes, my mum and dad chose me"
He obviously feels confident about being adopted, to have shared it with a friend and happy to tell this cretin, he needs to have a confident response.

Yes, my mum and dad chose me

I love this answer. Children actually are quite good at finding their own voice and their own answers if they are encouraged to be confident in standing up for themselves.

I think going after the person who asked the question doesn't give the child confidence. Instead the message it sends is: I must protect you from people who are hurting you by asking about your adoption. Also the whole 'how dare they ask you that!' and being appalled somehow suggests that the topic is unacceptable or somehow extremely sensitive. After all if the woman grilled him about something acceptable you wouldn't be going round to confront her.

I would never confront anyone for asking dd about her father. That would teach dd that the topic of her father is one which we are very sensitive about - not what I want to teach her.

I taught Dd to say "That is my own private story and it's rude to ask" when she was about 5. She actually said it my friend who was one of her supply teachers at school and she was at the her house playing. My friend was well impressed, she already knew she was adopted, no idea what the actual question was exactly.

Thank you very much again everyone. I too talk to DS about it being 'his story' and not anyone else's. He is confident saying this to other children but was just dumbfounded when an adult asked because he didn't feel he should tell an his stock phrase of what he feels to be a 'mind your own business' equivalent. He said he wouldn't be happy to say to an adult 'that's my story and I don't want to talk to you about it, sorry' but was somehow more comfortable with just 'I'd rather not talk about that'. Maybe just keeping it short and sweet feels easier to him?

I will go and speak to her but will certainly not be confrontational. I will just explain calmly that he felt uncomfortable having to answer such a personal question as he doesn't really know her, and that if she hears anything she needs to check, then I'm happy to talk to her about it. I'll certainly be very reasonable about it, and just hope she is too! The way I see it, if I can just make her aware that perhaps it wasn't an appropriate thing to do, she might think more carefully in future when speaking to both our DSs and other children too.

So I'm guessing that the child who your son told has told his mum, who has told the neighbour who was verifying?

Which is odd as it's no big deal.

but what a meal she made of it-thereby making it a big deal!

Maybe your son needs to puff out his chest & proudly say "yes-lucky me" or somesuch.

He also needs to know that it's nothing to be ashamed of, of course & that it is OK to tell anyone that it's not their business/he doesn't want to talk about it.

if I can just make her aware that perhaps it wasn't an appropriate thing to do, she might think more carefully in future when speaking to both our DSs and other children too

This is good of you OP to do this. I do not think it is your duty to educate people, but I can see that it is a nice thing to do - it will help make your neighbour a better person and might save another child down the line from being quizzed by her. Also, if we all did this the world would be a better place. But you don't have to. I don't get the whole MN thing where grown up people go round correcting other grown up people and I would never do it myself, but I can see that it's a generous thing to do for society if it doesn't end up in fisticuffs

kawliga totally agree with u, I just think in this case the woman went past the point of innocent curiosity and into downright rude/nosey territory and my initial reaction would have been anger (not seething raging anger) but yes I would have been mad about it

Thanks all,

I have to say though I wouldn't be doing it for her benefit really at all, but to try my best to ensure she doesn't think it's ok to continue with her questions. Having seen poor DS suffer this year at school after a one of the mums blabbed to her daughter that he is adopted (no idea how she found out but she told me she'd blabbed by accident!), I'd hate the line of questioning to go along the lines of what he's already had. As well as being called 'adopted boy', he's had children asking him 'where's your REAL mum then?', 'Is your real mum dead?' and worst of all, 'Did your real mum and dad not want you?'

I'm certain this mum would never ask questions like those, but to be honest, had I been asked this morning did I think she'd ask if he was adopted, I'd have been certain she wouldn't ask that too.

I have to do my best (nicely, calmly and politely of course) to protect him from being hurt. He has had enough already in his little life.

OP- you need to realise adopted kids are in fact public property- a bit like a pregnant women being felt up by strangers or a baby being poked and prodded by strangers

Seriously- all the above piss me off. People need to mind there own. My brother has an adopted child and they have had this loads of times including three other parents crowing roun him at sports day.- not on

Sorry that was meant to be crowding round him