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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleagues using disablist word instead of name, IABU to approach the manager?

80 replies

Piplin · 05/07/2014 10:59

Have name changed.
Not wanting to be professionally offended, but I'm really cringing when a friend and colleague uses the word 'spacker' when referring to another colleague.
The other colleague knows about it and they are really good friends, socialise outside of work etc.
what is disturbing is that there is a girl at work who has a severely disabled child. She has heard them use this term and just shrugged it off, but has been inwardly upset by this. (She told me)
Should I go to the manager about them using this term? Or should I just leave it, safe in the knowledge that these people are just ignorant?

A bit of background info, these are senior members of staff, me and the other girl are not. The senior members of staff are friends with the manager also, so in all likelihood would get back to them what was said by whom.
I am confident that using this word is just a bit of banter between them and they are not intending to insult anyone, least of all the girl with the disabled child.
They are in all other respects nice people.

OP posts:
Springcleanish · 05/07/2014 12:02

It is an offensive term. "Banter"seems to have become a term used to downgrade bullying. Either confront them and say you find their language use offensive, or report it. To ignore it is to condone it.

zzzzz · 05/07/2014 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:06

yes but the girl knows about it. they don't do it behind her back.
they are carfty in the way they don't say it so the general public can hear

OP posts:
Icimoi · 05/07/2014 12:07

Do you have an HR department? Can you raise it with them?

Goblinchild · 05/07/2014 12:07

Why do you think they don't want the public to hear?

zzzzz · 05/07/2014 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:18

no, no one is disabled except another girls child.
like I mentioned on the op these are senior members of staff and I am junior. I should be taking a lead from them. its hard to pull staff up on things when they have been there longer.
without outing myself with where I work we are not allowed to show that we are enjoying ourselves at work.
and iys only when ive come away and thought about the situation that I realise I should have said something.

OP posts:
RandallFloyd · 05/07/2014 12:19

Really? Professional, managerial people say words like that, in the workplace? Where on earth do you work? It it an office or more of a builders yard/warehouse type of thing?

Either way, it clearly isn't acceptable 'banter' and you need to do something about it. If they are 'nice people' and would be 'mortified' if they knew they'd upset someone, why not just tell them?

On the other hand if they are, as I suspect, utter twats then it's probably best to speak to HR and let them deal with it.

Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:20

thats an interesting link liketohelp I will be bringing that up if I dont get any joy from direct confrontation

OP posts:
Rockinghorse123 · 05/07/2014 12:20

They are breaking the equality act 2010. Its classified indirect discrimination and should be covered by your company's equality act. If you don't feel you can speak to a manager report it directly to HR.

RandallFloyd · 05/07/2014 12:23

X-post. You aren't allowed to enjoy yourself at work? Really?
At no point in your day are you allowed to smile?
But banter is fine? I'm confused.

Anyway, no you don't need to take your lead from them, not regarding this. It's not acceptable however high up they are. Everyone answers to someone.

thornrose · 05/07/2014 12:24

I think its blatantly obvious that the word derives from spastic and I am very sceptical that people don't know that since it's been around for decades! Hmm

WeAllHaveWings · 05/07/2014 12:26

Pull them on it confidently and not apologetically.

I did it last week when a colleague said p* shop. A quick banter/shocked reaction back "X! watch what you're saying, you should know better". Was enough to stop them and make them think, they tried the good old "I don't mean it that way", but a quick retort "it doesn't matter which way you mean it, its not right" or "can't believe names like that are still be used, they are awful!" was enough.

Don't believe I t stops tem using the phrases, but they don't use in front of me because they sknow they will be embarrassed.

In my book it doesn't matter if they are managers, pull them up a couple of times, and it usually stops. Managers are generally more ashamed when pulled up and less likely to repeat. I've never had to take it further, but would if I needed to.

Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:26

We're allowed to smile but thats the extent of it. !
so the banter is discreet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:30

thays really good advice weallhavewings thank you I will try that as I know that they will come back with the well I didn't mean it like that.
I think they would be embarrassed to use it again or at least I'd hope so

OP posts:
zzzzz · 05/07/2014 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:36

I'm early 20's my friend is a bit older.
I think its only now I've had time to reflect on the way that it was being bounced around especially around my friend.
and hearing how it made her feel uncomfortable and awkward.
I'm surprised she didn't say anything. as she has done in the past when someone had used 'special' in a derogatory manner

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 05/07/2014 12:41

the fact that they try to be discreet surely shows that they KNOW the word is offensive and they should not really be using it? So what are they saying - that it's OK to offend some people? that some peoples opinions do not matter? That's its OK because the girl they say it to is not actually disabled? Are they Frankie Boyle fans?

dawndonnaagain · 05/07/2014 12:44

Mum told me about this. I am 17. I get so sick of being called spacker, spack, spacky legs, along with all the other offensive things that people think they have the right to call me because I have a disability. There are very, very few people who comprehend that I am actually allowed to use these terms about myself, (it's called appropriating language) but you, nor anyone is allowed to use it about me. It doesn't describe me and it's used in a derogatory manner, every fucking time. It's not a joke, it's not banter. They call each other spacker and the implication is that something, be it legs, arms, brain, doesn't work 'properly'.

zzzzz · 05/07/2014 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 05/07/2014 12:50

dawndonnas DD -I saw you on a thread a day or 2 days ago, I cant remember what you said or even what thread it was but i thought then that you sound a very wise young woman and I'm sure your mum is very proud of you. I am sorry that in this day and age you still have to but up with ignorance from some people.

phantomnamechanger · 05/07/2014 12:50

put up not but up!

BackforGood · 05/07/2014 12:57

At the end of P1 you said

I think they would be mortified if they knew they had upset someone and you've said a couple of times they are basically nice people.

So I don't understand why you don't just have a quiet word with them and tell them that the word they have been using is quite offensive to some people in the office so could they think about that in the future please. Doesn't need to be confrontational or officially through management at that stage.

If, however, they then continue to use the word, that would be the time to escalate it.

Original poster
Piplin · 05/07/2014 12:59

I am agreeing with everyone here that it is an appalling word and I for one wouldn't use it.
I have seen the upset and distress that it has caused my friend who I like a lot.
but how do I aproach people who are older more experienced and have more of a backing behind them than I do.
lets just say they do turn out to be twats I've alienated myself against a lot of people who I have to work with.

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 05/07/2014 13:05

Yes you should report it. It's hate language.