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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop hosting all the time?

27 replies

CeliaFate · 05/07/2014 09:55

In our circle of friends and family we are always the hosts and it's starting to irritate me.
The work that goes into hosting 20+ people, not to mention the cost is too much.

We normally host get togethers 4 or 5 times a year - for birthdays/Christmas.

Only one person brings booze, a couple of the others may bring a plate of fairy cakes or similar. Most people bring nothing, not even a bottle of wine.
I know we're lucky to have the space for everyone, but it's costing us a fortune each time and a lot of work preparing food and cleaning before and afterwards.
AIBU to stop doing it? I know the dc will be very disappointed, but I'm fed up of people taking advantage of our hospitality and never reciprocating - I don't expect an invitation to their house, but perhaps suggest a pub lunch and organise it, rather than a "oh we must get together in the summer".

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 05/07/2014 09:57

Agree
Always being the host is exhausting
Why don't you suggest meeting in the pub, a picnic in the park ?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/07/2014 09:59

Yes, just don't host again, your mates are taking the piss Shock.

You host 20 odd pople 4/5 times a year and they bring nothing? How many years have you been doing this?

NynaevesSister · 05/07/2014 09:59

If no one else is hosting, and you feel the pay off between the extra housework etc and socialising is OK then just tell everyone. You will keep hosting but from now on it is shared. All couples must turn up with a plate of food and a bottle.

Where I come from it would be considered rude to do anything else.

Pimpf · 05/07/2014 10:01

Yanbu.

We have friends that tend to host all the time, due to the age of their youngest its easier for the. So we all pitch up with food and drink and make sure that we offer to host. It's exhausting. When they suggest meeting up next, say we'd love to come to yours

Wheelerdeeler · 05/07/2014 10:02

Delegate. My bro & sil do lots of the hosting as they have more space. We all ask what job we have. Don't be afraid to say straight out, can you bring salad/dessert/wine

rubyflipper · 05/07/2014 10:03

Your friends and family probably think that with such a lovely big house, why wouldn't you want to play hostess?

YANBU
DH and I have fallen into the trap of hosting family parties and just once in a while I'd like to be able to turn up somewhere and have someone cater for me.

Plus there's all the cleaning up which no one sticks around for.

bellarations · 05/07/2014 10:05

Celia - don't invite them again. Wait and see what happens around special dates. Someone may surprise you.
This advice I've recently given to myself, completely agree with you, I am also fed up with nobody reciprocating, it feels like they are taking the piss.
Certain people park their arse and think they are in a free restaurant.
Sorry I've blabbed somewhat. Yadnbu !

TallyGrenshall · 05/07/2014 10:07

YANBU DSis does a lot of hosting because she has tge space but we all pitch in to help prepare, bring stuff and definitely help tidy/clean afterwards.

If people are expecting you to run around after them, they should expect to take their turn as hosts and do it all

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/07/2014 10:07

Just don't do it. Don't offer. You don't have to.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 05/07/2014 10:07

Yanbu

Pub lunch sounds a very sensible alternative.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 05/07/2014 17:32

How would I phrase going to the pub without sounding like we'd be paying for everyone's meal? It wouldn't surprise me!
We were going to go away for the weekend to a holiday cottage one year with friends - then they rang and said they'd had a "great idea"! They could come and stay with us for the weekend instead. Yeah, what a relaxing holiday that would be for me! Hmm
I think some people have NO idea how much time, trouble and effort goes into hosting events for large groups.

OP posts:
Xenadog · 05/07/2014 18:02

Time for big girl pants to be put on and for you to say no. It's as simple as that. No is a full sentence in itself as well. So when you are asked about Christmas or whatever just say, "It must be someone else's turn now. So who's up for it?" If anyone asks if you can host again using flattery such as, "Oh you do such a good job." Reply with a, "Thank you but it IS someone else's turn now." Stand firm and remember people are taking the piss because they think It's OK as you haven't said anything before.

LairyPoppins · 05/07/2014 18:05

We live somewhere lovely where people like to have holidays. Last summer hols, of the 6 weeks I had off work (in education) we only had 4 days when we weren't hosting visitors.

We're having to be a bit brutal this year and just saying no.

BubaMarra · 05/07/2014 18:09

I think it would be easier for you to announce next time you organise the dinner that you will host but everyone will need to pitch in than to invite all of them to a pub but say oh you will need to pay for yourselves (and if you don't say it in advance everyone will assume you are paying).

MargotLovedTom · 05/07/2014 18:10

Surely people wouldn't expect you to pay for them all in a pub?!!! Are these people actual friends or just freeloaders you've accumulated somehow?

MargotLovedTom · 05/07/2014 18:14

I'm just aghast even at the suggestion. It's bad enough they take the piss when you're at your house, but to think they'd eat a pub lunch then all sick on their hands looking in your direction when the bill arrives just beggars belief.

I wouldn't even clarify you wouldn't be paying for everyone, as that would make it seem it might have been a possibility at some point. You eat the food then say are we splitting the bill evenly or according to what we've had?

Original poster
CeliaFate · 05/07/2014 18:15

They are friends/family - not freeloaders, but completely devoid of any organisational skills. We've been doing it for years, so they've just got used to it I suppose.

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 05/07/2014 18:16

...sit on their hands...!

MargotLovedTom · 05/07/2014 18:17

Sorry but I think they are freeloaders, if they've taken advantage of your hospitality all this time without ever thinking to reciprocate.

catsofa · 05/07/2014 18:19

It sounds to me like you just need to actually SAY this stuff. As in, out loud, to the people concerned.

"Sorry, we won't be hosting any gatherings this summer because it's so much work for me every time and it gets really expensive. Would anyone else like to do it at theirs or organise a pub trip?"

Why would anyone assume it irritated you if you just keep on doing it and don't say anything? I would assume you liked it, and even that you must be loaded if you can afford to keep inviting everyone!

settingsitting · 05/07/2014 18:20

If they are not freeloaders, what would you say that they are?

tbh, they probably think you love doing it. Especially as you have been doing it 4 or 5 times a year for years.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 05/07/2014 18:20

They would argue they don't have the room though. We do, and have had parties for so long with the same people, they just wouldn't think twice about it.

OP posts:
Gartenzwerg · 05/07/2014 18:21

You could say something like "why don't we meet at xxxx pub, the food is about £20 a head, I hope that's within your budget but if not then feel free to suggest an alternative."

Original poster
CeliaFate · 05/07/2014 18:22

They probably do think we enjoy it. Right, I've decided we won't do it this summer. Now I'll have to deal with the dc's disappointment instead Grin

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 05/07/2014 18:24

Well you either have to speak up to make some changes, stop doing it or keep doing it and swallow your resentment. Only you know which is most feasible for you.