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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be "told" that I am bi-sexual?

55 replies

WheelsOnFire1 · 05/07/2014 03:26

First of all, I do NOT take being bi-sexual in itself as an insult. Absolutely not. What I object to is this label. I will explain..

My family and I moved 150 miles away in April with DH job. Since then we haven't met many people so have been making the effort to join various clubs, go to events etc to meet people. DH and I have been attending an evening class together since May and we decided to invite the group round for some drinks.

There was only 9 of us and the topic got onto sexuality. One lady very openly said she was bi-sexual. Another lady said "I'm not homophobic at all, but even the thought of kissing another woman..." then shuddered.
The conversation continued and I made the statement that I think sexuality is fluid. Gone are the days when one is straight, gay or bi-sexual. I don't see the need for labels. I said that I am fluid with my sexuality. I have never had a sexual relationship with a woman, but I can't say that I never will. I joked that if if Jennifer Aniston wanted to kiss me, but someone was there offering me £10,000 not to...I'd reject the money.

This woman who I've met just 3 times looked at me and said "so you're bisexual?" I said "well..I don't know. I'm not attracted to women in the same way I am to men." and I went on to say how back in the day I'd snog guys in nightclubs after a few drinks but wouldn't with a girl..unless I was really plastered! And she just said "yeah but you'd kiss Jennifer Aniston, a girl wanting to kiss a girl makes you bi." She kept saying it and was basically trying to force me to say "ok ok I'm bisexual." Everyone else looked a bit uncomfortable. All of them (apart from 2 or 3 who kept quiet) agreed that having to label yourself is dumb, but she basically believed that sexuality isn't fluid: that you are straight, you are gay, or you like both sexes. She is of course entitled to her opinion but when one of the guys chimed in and said he wouldn't kick David Beckham out of bed for making crumbs, she "told" him he was bi too and "joked" asking if his wife knows he's "into men" because they could have some amazing threesomes.. (oh and bare in mind these 2 had never met before. The guy wasn't in the evening class but a work colleague of DH)

Maybe I am bi-sexual. Maybe I'm not. But AIBU to find it irritating that this woman who I barely know was trying to force me to say I am one or the other?

OP posts:
Ragglefrock · 05/07/2014 03:30

YADNBU.

Totally agree with you. Why cram people into boxes? It is stifling.

FishWithABicycle · 05/07/2014 04:39

YANBU - this woman needs to grow up and stop trying to label and categorise people against their wishes - it is a form of prejudice even if she doesn't actively discriminate - people have the right to form their own identity without other people telling them what they can or can't define themselves as.

antimatter · 05/07/2014 04:56

I would stay away from someone who easily hands out lables and boxes like that.
YADNBU

peasandlove · 05/07/2014 05:34

she sounds like a pain in the arse

peasandlove · 05/07/2014 05:35

btw I've kissed loads of women and I consider myself straight Wink

lougle · 05/07/2014 07:41

Maybe she felt that you were being prejudiced about bisexuality? Perhaps she thought that yout should just accept that if you're attracted to both men and women, that's the definition on bisexuality.

I'm not saying you are bisexual. I do think that it's not unreasonable for someone to consider you bisexual if you say you'd be quite happy to snog another woman, though.

ICanHearYou · 05/07/2014 07:48

I believe it is about percentages, 40% this, 60% that.

Very few people will be 100% either way.

TheHappyCamper · 05/07/2014 07:57

She was rude! I guess you won't be inviting her back Shock.

FWIW I absolutely agree with you that sexuality is more of a sliding scale. It's inevitable that some people are going to be at the very ends of the spectrum, but much more likely that most folks are somewhere in the middle. I myself find women attractive and can imagine kissing them (I did once!), but can't imagine going any further. If pushed I'd say was straight but slightly closer to the middle than many. Best man at our wedding (DH's best mate) is gay, but most people don't guess that when they meet him. He has had girlfriends before, but now in LTR living with a bloke. I definitely don't think people like to be labelled/pigeonholed.

Serenitysutton · 05/07/2014 08:00

Hmm it is very irritating when certain straight women do the whole faux lesbian thing- snogging their friends when drunk, having a "girl crush" etc. Maybe that's what she meant? You probably wouldn't sleep with JA anymore than any other woman.

I don't believe in putting people in boxes and I have a number of friend who have fallen in live with a person outside of their preferred sex to date (although none have gone back lol) but there is that "trying too hard to be cool" thing you get with straight people

Eebahgum · 05/07/2014 08:07

Completely agree about the spectrum. I hope at some point in the future we ditch the labels entirely. And she sounds like a dick, although to be fair I guess she just held a different opinion to us.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/07/2014 08:12

Well I can sort of see her point.

Im straight and dont want to snog a woman.

So to me you are at least a bit bisexual.

Showy · 05/07/2014 08:19

She was rude to you but you have to accept that you made sweeping statements too. I'd be a bit nonplussed if I told you my sexuality as I define it and you told me gone are the days of being able to say that. I am straight. My sexuality is not fluid. Though yours is.

PinkHamster · 05/07/2014 08:22

I used to think that people were either gay, straight or bisexual. There were no ifs or buts about it, you were born that way and that is all there is it to it.

Now I don't think it's as black and white as that. I think sexuality can (and does) change throughout a person's life and can be fluid. IMO very few people are actually 100% gay or 100% straight, most people are somewhere in the middle.

I consider myself to be straight. I am only attracted to men and always have been. However I can't say that I would never have a relationship with a woman or be attracted to one because sexuality isn't set in stone IMO.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 05/07/2014 08:24

YANBU. I don't consider myself straight, bi or anything. I suppose I am straight if someone wanted to label it. I have only had relationships with men, only had sex with men but find women attractive and would happily snog a woman before being married to DH. I think lots of "straight" people are similar as I didn't seem to be in the minority.

pluCaChange · 05/07/2014 08:34

She sounds a bit adolescent. Not everything is about sex.

Mammuzza · 05/07/2014 08:45

One possibility is perhaps she thought you were being part of bisexual erasure.

From the wiki on bisexual erasure..

"Straight and gay people who engage in bisexual erasure may claim that bisexuals are either exclusively homosexual (gay/lesbian) or exclusively heterosexual (straight),[1] closeted gay or lesbian people who wish to appear heterosexual,[9] or are heterosexuals who are experimenting with their sexuality ."

It might explain why she had a bee in her bonnet and was so insistant maybe ?

I can sort of understand why a group that does get rather a lot of grief, all while being co-opted when it suits mainstream media forms might get a little prickly from time to time.

I honestly think anybody who wishes to do away with "labels" has forgotten that classifying via simililarities and differences is a very human trait. So I wouldn't expect them to disappear anytime soon.

And if we did do away with labels for human sexuality... kiss goodbye to any legal protections for groups at the sharp end. Becuase they won't exist as "group" and it will become only too easy to discriminate against them.

The law needs labels in order to protect. "Right so you cannot discriminate against people who ... well... you know... those ones... the ones that are... ok right, so perhaps not so much the ones who might or might not kiss a hypothetical Jennifer Anniston, but the ones who so would, or might not becuase she is not their type, but well, .... oh for fuck sake, never mind"

AnyFucker · 05/07/2014 08:54

This is why I don't get involved in these stupid conversations Smile

Bouttimeforwine · 05/07/2014 08:56

I see your point that sexuality can be fluid but for many people it isn't. They never have feelings for the opposite sex. I haven't, so your sweeping statement is no more right or wrong than hers.
I think Yabu. You were both making statements from your own standpoints.

Jinglebells99 · 05/07/2014 09:01

Good grief. What is the night class that you are doing that people would discuss their sexuality with virtual strangers after a couple of months?

BeetlebumShesAGun · 05/07/2014 09:01

YANBU,

I think your point is valid, and that's coming from someone who defines themselves as bisexual. I have a friend who has slept with numerous women, and had a six month on/off fling type thing with her female housemate, but doesn't choose to say she is bisexual. She just says the same as you, that sexuality is fluid and she fancies people, but she is for all appearances "straight".

Different strokes and all that. Just out of interest, which woman was it insisting, was it the bisexual woman or one of the others? It has no bearing on my response of course, I'm just curious no pun intended

BalloonSlayer · 05/07/2014 09:02

tbh you all sound like teenagers going on and on about your sexuality and what you would or wouldn't do then getting all "how very dare you" when someone actually comments.

I agree that sexuality is fluid and people should not be put into labelled boxes but frankly if you drone on at length to a social group about what you would or wouldn't do to Jennifer Aniston whom you will never meet, and what you would do if someone offered you £10,000, which they never will, you are a crashing bore never mind a hypothetical bisexual. (Reminds me of how my Dad would go on for ages about how he would spend the money if he won the lottery, expecting us all to be grateful for the non-existent money he intended to give us.)

The woman was probably trying to make you shut up and get the conversation wrapped up so they could move on to something else.

hmmmwhatnow · 05/07/2014 09:05

I think YABU ok people shouldn't be "boxed" but in the same conversation you would have irritated me enough to try and "push" you into really considering your statement which is what she was maybe doing.

Saying sexuality for some people is fluid = fine.

Making silly remarks about having basically no inclination towards the same sex but not turning down David Beckham /Jennifer Aniston is just a bit "look at me I'm such a sexually liberated coolster right". Hmm

ethelb · 05/07/2014 09:17

As a general rule some people do get shitty about the concept of fluid sexuality. Even the more liberal ones.

However i thought wittering on about your sexuality is something people stop doing at about 17.

Brittabot · 05/07/2014 09:20

Yes, what night class is it? I just can't imagine having that conversation with people I barely know for precisely this reason!

I think YABU, she might have been a bit rude by being so personal but given the conversation I don't think you can say everyone was made uncomfortable by her. You had your opinion, she had hers.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 05/07/2014 09:24

Counselling? Creative Writing? or Yoga?

She was being very irritating going on like that. And labelling people when they clearly don't want to be, IS rude.

However, if someone was going on about sexuality being fluid, I might, in my head think, 'goes both ways..'

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