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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This probably is BU

30 replies

chocoluvva · 04/07/2014 17:01

But does anyone else feel insulted at being given flowers to apologise (for a very minor dismeanour).

I can't quite figure out why this is making me way more annoyed than I was before - mildly irritated before and even questioning my right to feel irritated but after being given a small bunch of flowers from a very young man who slightly overstepped the mark I am now feeling insulted.

Also, I have a thread about this on chat.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2014 17:03

Could the mild irritation be due to hayfever?

CoffeeTea103 · 04/07/2014 17:06

Worra

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2014 17:07

Sorry

Original poster

chocoluvva · 04/07/2014 17:11

Very witty, Worra.

(Not thoughtful, but helpful in its own cheeky way)

OP posts:

newfavouritething · 04/07/2014 17:11

does the chat thread say what the misdemeanor was?

newfavouritething · 04/07/2014 17:12

Actually scratch that, not that bothered. YABU.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 04/07/2014 17:14

Now I'm irritated.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/07/2014 17:17

mercifulgibbon · 04/07/2014 17:18

I'm so confused right now

Why do the flowers as apology offend?

Original poster

chocoluvva · 04/07/2014 17:18

He woke DD (his GF) after a night out asking to come here as it's more convenient than his planned destination. DD was pleased to see him. He didn't wake anyone else but I didn't want to let it go by without mention. Made a hash of it and he was flippant in reply which made me . Especially as I am always welcoming, accommodating, liberal with him etc. I like him. Also I 'told on him' to his DM who didn't express any concern as to whether I was ok with it - at the time. But she later talked about it to DD's BF, who appeared with flowers the next time he was here.

But that isn't the point. I can't a thread appropriate for trivial things to do with communication and relationships.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocoluvva · 04/07/2014 17:21

x-posted.

Thanks for the Families. - Knew I'd get sympathetic answers.

OP posts:

OurMiracle1106 · 04/07/2014 17:27

Look at it this way. At least he realises he has over stepped the mark, therefore won't try to push the boundaries and has tried to make things right.

Would you prefer a didn't care not bothered attitude? Cos that would annoy me more than flowers even with hay fever

Original poster

chocoluvva · 04/07/2014 17:33

You're right of course OurMiracle

He said all the right things. He's a nice lad. I've never had flowers as an apology and surprised myself by feeling patronised (by an 18YO lad). If I'd been really annoyed with him I'd have felt he must think my feelings were trivial if they could be changed with a few flowers. Does anyone actually think flowers will make someone think 'Oh well, that's okay'?

OP posts:

stephenisjustcoming · 04/07/2014 18:11

Yes, it would for me. Flowers, in this sort of instance, say to me, 'I know I've upset you, I'm sorry I have, won't do it again, here's something nice for your kitchen table so hopefully you won't think I'm a total churl and we can start again'.

It's probably one of those times - for him - when you realise belatedly that you gave the wrong response but going back and trying to restart the conversation so you can get it right is just too awkward. His mother's obviously told him he misjudged things, and needs to make amends. Which he has. If he's a nice lad and he's apologised he's doubtless learned a lesson, so be the bigger person and let it go.

BuzzardBird · 04/07/2014 18:15

Is it just me then that thinks his DM told him to give you the flowers?

Maryz · 04/07/2014 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Watercolourfootballs · 04/07/2014 18:22

No, no the flowers don'tminimise your annoyance they hightlight his apologies.

He's trying to show that he got it wrong and to show that he understands the error of his ways

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 04/07/2014 18:45

Tbf you did make a hash of it and really didn't handle it in a way that got your feelings across. He is not a mind reader and also possibly not privvy to the discussion between you and your dd.

Now he can't do right for doing wrong. Flowers, whether you like them or hate them, are a cultural apology gift. He is not bribing you with a few cut stems of stiff weeds. He is just trying to cement his apology as genuine, he is attempting to make amends and has said he won't repeat the behaviour. What more do you want from him?

If you still have a problem then you really need to work out what it is (as you started of all over the shop on your other thread) and model the standards of adult behaviour you expect in your home from both of them.
If you pass a joke comment it really isn't the recipient's fault if they take it at face value. You then went to his mum instead of talking to him...I'd give him a pass on this.
Your worries about your dds nature actually aren't anything to do with him. That's for you two to work out together so she has the tools to expect and accept good treatment - she didn't say anything about it or the party incident but then when it infringed on you and your boundaries, you didn't tackle it either.
We all have the capacity to overstep someone else's expectations - how you learn is from what people tell and show you they will accept. His family might love him being a cheeky chappy who pleases himself - if you don't then show him so but it's unfair to wait for him to guess if you just throw flippant remarks around.

Yama · 04/07/2014 18:50

I wouldn't like it either. Would he give a man flowers by way of an apology?

No.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 04/07/2014 18:51

Dp bought me cheap garage flowers after he got pass out pissed and I had to go looking for him at 4 am on a school night (totally out of character, I was beyond worried)

I was so angry about the flowers I threw a John Cleese, bbashed them on the kitchen bench and threw them in the bin!

He's not bought me flowers since!

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 04/07/2014 18:57

It's because the pretty flowers distract the little woman from why she was cross. Her little head can only be filled by one thought which is now 'oooh, pretty'

But at least he realised an apology was necessary but suggest booze would be greatly welcomed if there is ever a next time!!!

mercifulgibbon · 04/07/2014 19:14

Ah, I see! I've only ever had flowers along with a proper apology as a joke. Peace lilies or something. I didn't think of people giving them in place of an actually apology in the hope the pretties distracted

BackforGood · 04/07/2014 19:17

Yes, YABU.
Has been well explained by Stephenis, Maryz, Watercolour and Bernard

Watercolourfootballs · 04/07/2014 20:11

Oh dear, I give people flowers all the time as they're obe of my favourite things- clearly I've been unwittingly offending people!

I'd be much more offended by wine actually- doesn't seem so thoughtful really.

Chocolate is fine obviously

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 04/07/2014 20:17

I don't actually drink so booze would be no good!

A sincere apology is the most important part of the whole thing and if it comes with a gift it is nice for the gift to reflect the receivers taste

Personally I hate cut flowers so would be annoyed if dh gave them to me. But clearly op's dd's bf isn't likely to know her that well so flowers are a 'safe' choice

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