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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner won't talk about our wedding.

49 replies

Victoria91 · 03/07/2014 21:17

Hi everyone. I am hoping you can all help out out here. My partner and I have been engaged for nearly 3 years now and anytime I bring up the wedding he shrugs it off.

His cousin got engaged last year and they have got most of it sorted and payed for and they have two children where as we only have the one.

It seams very odd to me that whenever I bring it up he says we can't afford it right now but he won't even discuss a budget or pick a colour scheme.

Please help me!!

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 03/07/2014 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies · 03/07/2014 21:21

He sounds reluctant to get married i'm afraid victoria.

IMO that's not something you can do much about. It's a decision he must make for himself.

MiloSimpson · 03/07/2014 21:21

I would suggest that he doesn't want to get married. I've never quite seen the point of long engagements - sure, you take some time to plan/organise it, maybe save a bit of money but being engaged for so long, without reason just seems a bit pointless.

It's almost like he proposed because he though he ought to rather than with the intention of actually marrying you.

CanaryYellow · 03/07/2014 21:22

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to marry you. Sorry.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2014 21:22

he's just not that into you

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:22

Agree with everyone else. He doesn't sound as though he wants to get married at all.

MsVestibule · 03/07/2014 21:24

I agree with the pp's. He simply doesn't want to marry you, or at least not yet. Have you tried to have a serious discussion with him about it?

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 03/07/2014 21:24

He maybe shy & want to be married but no wedding?

Branleuse · 03/07/2014 21:25

he doesn't really want to get married.

RedSoloCup · 03/07/2014 21:25

LTB.....

YourBrotherInLaw · 03/07/2014 21:26

How old are you op? Did you have your child young or are friends and peers starting to get married yet?

Sandthorn · 03/07/2014 21:30

I think I would call for a serious discussion about what the blockers are. Does he still want to get married? If so, perhaps you need to find a compromise between big do/long way off and small do/sooner. Chances are you can do a £10k wedding, or you can get married next month, but it's unlikely to be both. If it's the former, I think I'd get a bit yawny talking about colour schemes. Is he stressed about money otherwise? Do you have stable jobs? Debts?

Sallyingforth · 03/07/2014 21:35

As others have said he may not want to marry.
But
he says we can't afford it right now but he won't even discuss a budget or pick a colour scheme.
Could it be that you are planning something that actually is too expensive? Is it the marriage you want or the wedding?

PedlarsSpanner · 03/07/2014 21:39

What Sally said

A Town Hall wedding with a church hall do-your-own buffet after is going to cost in the hundreds

More importantly, you have a child with your partner, yes? Make sure you are financially secure. Worst case - his house, he pays mortgage/bills etc, you are SAHM with no independent income.

SanityClause · 03/07/2014 21:43

Would you stay with him if you knew you would never get married? If so, rather than speak about wedding stuff, start speaking about seeing a solicitor to sort your wills, next of kin issues, ownership of assets and so on. If he is negative about that, then he has a problem with committing to you, and that's a much bigger issue.

If you wouldn't stay with him if you didn't think you were going to get married, you need to "go for the no". Ask him why he always shrugs it off, and tell him you want to set a date and a budget. If you can't afford it now, you want to make a plan about how to save, so you can. If he is still not interested, you may have to decide what is more important to you. Being with him, or being married.

I think it's fair that you should know where you stand, and be able to make your own life decisions accordingly.

Original poster
Victoria91 · 03/07/2014 22:13

Thank you all for your comments. He has said he does want to get married and we have both agreed a small wedding and not too expensive because even though it is our wedding I don't want to make a massive fuss.

I am not wanting a church or town hall wedding. I was thinking more of a nice park or outdoor wedding that wouldn't cost a lot to sort out.

We don't have massive debts but we have got some, but they are in the process of getting sorted now.

I know that having a baby and other commitments come first but I know deep down he does want to get married but just a bit reluctant talking about it.

As for the actual marriage yes I want to be married and I also want a nice wedding but what girl doesn't? We are both in our twenties and he is the father of my daughter and we have spoken about having more but I know that will just push the wedding back further.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2014 22:22

if he wanted to marry you he would be equally pushing your plans forward or at least working with you on a concrete plan

he isn't

there is a reason for that

Fairenuff · 03/07/2014 22:25

He doesn't want to get married. He is just saying he does to keep you around. For now.

PedlarsSpanner · 03/07/2014 22:30

But are you independently financially secure right now? You absolutely do not want to be in the precarious position of being found by him to be superfluous to requirements at some point in the future and find self out on your ear with no home.

BoffinMum · 03/07/2014 22:34

What AnyFucker said.
Find someone who appreciates you.

ThePinkOcelot · 03/07/2014 23:30

Doesn't sound like he wants to get married, sorry. He probably just got engaged to shut you up.

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:35

"he is the father of my daughter" - this is very telling OP, shouldn't it be "our daughter"? Are you even in a close loving relationship? Are you a family unit, enjoying life? If not are you pinning all your hopes on a pretty " dream " wedding?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2014 03:23

"He has said he does want to get married"
"It seams very odd to me that whenever I bring it up he says we can't afford it right now"
I think you need to look at the difference between what he says and what he does. Sorry, but I agree with everyone else - if he really did want to get married, you would have got married long since. He says he wants to, because that way he keeps you dancing to his tune on a string.

Now would be a good time to be very very practical. How are the finances/property arranged? What position would you be in if he were to walk out/be hit by a bus?

SignYourName · 04/07/2014 03:39

I know deep down he does want to get married but just a bit reluctant talking about it

You're projecting, OP. He is telling you by his actions what he really thinks. He's stringing you along with a vague promise he has no intention of keeping so he gets the convenience of everything you do for him without him having to put himself out to do something he clearly doesn't want to do (or he would have already done it).

As for the actual marriage yes I want to be married and I also want a nice wedding but what girl doesn't?

Plenty of them? Hmm

But if it's important to you then you need to be with someone for whom it's also important, or at least for whom making you happy is important if they don't much care either way about marriage. Sadly it doesn't sound as though that describes this guy.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2014 04:23

I'm afraid I must agree with the PP. I really don't think he wants to get married at all. Put it to the test, tell him you want to go to the registry office and be married now and that you'll have a wedding or big party later, when you can afford it. Then see what he says. There can be no objections based on cost, right? My son and his wife did just that 2 months ago and are planning a small 'ring ceremony' and reception for this fall.