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Original poster

My partner won't talk about our wedding.

49 replies

Victoria91 · 03/07/2014 21:17

Hi everyone. I am hoping you can all help out out here. My partner and I have been engaged for nearly 3 years now and anytime I bring up the wedding he shrugs it off.

His cousin got engaged last year and they have got most of it sorted and payed for and they have two children where as we only have the one.

It seams very odd to me that whenever I bring it up he says we can't afford it right now but he won't even discuss a budget or pick a colour scheme.

Please help me!!

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2014 06:30

Just for context, my husband proposed in February, we were married in September. If he wants this, he'll do it.

There's nothing wrong in not wanting to get married, but I think you maybe need to think about whether you see your lives going in the same direction. If not, is this something you can compromise on, or a deal breaker?

starsandunicorns · 04/07/2014 06:55

My dp and i got engaged mid feb and we get married in 3 days it has cost 600 pounds would of being 450 but we getting photos but profensial

I would go onto your local register website check out cheapest wedding and say this is how much it costs and see his reaction

scottishmummy · 04/07/2014 06:59

He doesn't want to marry you.but. He knows you'll be easily fobbed off
if its overall happy relationship,continue co-habit.you cant compel him to marry
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you?

teaandthorazine · 04/07/2014 07:01

Well I wouldn't want to talk about colour schemes either tbh.

But yes, agree with the others. If he wanted to be married, he'd at least be talking about it with you. I'd go ahead and book the registry office and see what his reaction is. Then you have your answer.

HecatePropylaea · 04/07/2014 07:06

I would guess that he says he wants to get married in order to keep you happy. If he said that he doesn't, that may have consequences for him. He wants to maintain the current relationship by saying what you want to hear without doing anything that could conceivably make the event happen!

Don't look to his words when you push him to confirm! Look at the evidence. He doesn't want to talk about the wedding. He doesn't want to plan it. He doesn't want to set a date. He doesn't want to do it. He only says the words you want to hear when you get upset about it because it stops you from going on about it and it gives you the crumb that keeps you ticking over for a bit.

If he wanted to be married to you, you can do it for a few quid at a registry office. It doesn't have to cost a lot. I reckon my wedding came in at under £500 including outfits!

Tell him that you want to go to the registry office and get married with 2 witnesses and then come home. I would guess that he will have some reason why he doesn't want that.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 04/07/2014 07:07

Been there, done that.The truth of the matter is that he does NOT want to marry you. Simple as that.

Branleuse · 04/07/2014 07:42

he doesn't really want to get married.

GorgeousPie · 04/07/2014 08:26

My chap proposed to me before we'd been together a year. It was 6 years before we got wed! I genuinely think he didn't see the actual wedding as a big deal. We lived together and for all intents and purposes were married I guess, he just saw it as a "piece of paper". It was never that he proposed to shut me up or that we had even talked about getting married really before he did. He did want to get married but didn't see there was a rush about it! In the event we married at a registry office, had a fabulous day, and that was nearly 10 years ago.

HibiscusIsland · 04/07/2014 08:42

I would look into the cheapest wedding possible as people have suggested and put it to him. If he still says no you have your answer, but make sure you get your finances sorted.

PopcornFrenzy · 04/07/2014 09:09

OP my DP are getting married in August, it's a small wedding in the Town Hall followed by a little meal/drinks. The town hall was £49 and the meal comes in at £200, with other little expenses I think it comes in at just under £500.

I agree with everyone else, his actions are speaking volumes and this guy doesn't want to be married.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 09:11

I do wish women would accept that the old way... engagement, marriage, setting up home, children... actually worked well and would still suit some of them today.

Only1scoop · 04/07/2014 09:13

Op he doesn't want to get married....

He really doesn't.

Jesaya · 04/07/2014 09:19

OP have you really asked the question "do you really still want to get married because to be honest, the fact you won't discuss it and haven't really done anything to plan it suggests that you don't".

Is getting not getting married a deal breaker for you?

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2014 09:23

I know that having a baby and other commitments come first

Really? With someone who is making no effort to be committed to you?

Please don't have a baby first!

SignYourName · 04/07/2014 09:31

Too late NannyOgg!

AuntieStella · 04/07/2014 09:34

Do you live together?

If you do, then you should have reached understandings on how you arrange your finances and you should be budgeting together.

It is totally reasonable today there is no money available for a big party when you are in debt.

How much are the debts, and at what rate are you clearing them? When will you be shot of them? And if the current repayments then go into a wedding fund (not general expenditure) how long will it take to save for the wedding you want?

"I also want a nice wedding but what girl doesn't?" Little girls have all sorts of daydreams. As a grown woman, you need to sort out the budget, find out if there is a real affordability problem and if so work out how to deal with it. If he continues to stall, then you need to decide whether there is a real future in this relationship.

In the mean time, have you ensured major assets (property ownership/tenancy) are in joint names and that he has made a will in your favour?

Only1scoop · 04/07/2014 09:38

Yes what A Stella says. Ensure your position with property....assets etc.

4seasons · 04/07/2014 09:39

Please listen to nannyOgg... don't have another child yet with a man who is not prepared to commit to marriage . Yes, I know that plenty of people have families etc. without the benefit of marriage and it all works out well. I have friends who have 3 children and have been together for 30 odd years ... but.... marriage is obviously important to you but not to him. I would explain this to him calmly. If he is not prepared to marry after this then I would try to decide if he was a " keeper " . If you decide he is then I would tell him that fair enough, no marriage but you and your child need financial security and that you both need to sort this out ... I think his reaction to this reasonable request will tell you all you need to know.

A loving partner and father will see the sense and fairness of this and you can explain that you are giving something up that you really want , I.e.marriage , because you really love him but that you are not going to hand yourself and your future over to him without some input and legal support from him. Plenty of married women find themselves out on a limb when marriages break up . Remember this and think with your head as well as your heart.

By the way , I agree with the posters who say that he is saying he wants to get married but just not yet in order to keep you happy. This way he maintains the status quo and gets what he wants out of the relationship without doing something he plainly doesn't want to do . I don't mean to be cruel but people often do this in the hope that someone better will come along . Sorry.

BerylStreep · 04/07/2014 09:44

You have been engaged for 3 years. How long were you together before that? How old is your child?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/07/2014 10:49

Does he perhaps feel a bit young to get married? We were together 9 years before we married ( admittedly only engaged 10 months) but we got together at 18 and didn't feel ready to get married until 27. We didn't gave children but did have a flat together. If you're early twenties this might be his thinking...

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2014 11:00

Was your child planned? If so, whose idea was it to have a child? Your posts all give the impression of a man who considers you as a Will Do For Now partner but if it was him who wanted a child, that may not be entirely the case.

AllThatGlistens · 04/07/2014 11:07

I'm sorry, I know it must be difficult for you to read the responses here, the truth is sometimes brutal.

But let's face it, you can get married extremely cheaply. If he wanted to marry you, he would have.

His refusal to engage with you in any conversations about it should be telling you all you need to know.

kentishgirl · 04/07/2014 11:14

OP - are you in the UK?
'I was thinking more of a nice park or outdoor wedding that wouldn't cost a lot to sort out.'
This is not possible if you are. The ceremony can only take place at an approved venue. Of course, then you can take the celebration to a park or something (crossing fingers on weather).

You need to check out the cost of getting married at the register office as that varies. And work out an approximate cost for anything else you want to do. And work out how long it will take you to save for that. And present him with a plan. If he genuinely means to marry you, he'll agree. If he doesn't, he'll fob you off again.

All register offices have to do a basic statutory marriage, which with all the paperwork etc will cost under £100. You may not be allowed any guests, just witnesses, but it's an option.

LayMeDown · 04/07/2014 11:21

I don't think that it necessarily that he doesn't want to marry you at all, just that he doesn't want to get married yet (to anyone). He doesn't see it as a priority. It's very possible that he will want to get married at some stage. I a guessing from your user name that you are only early twenties and so have been engaged since your teens.
You arr still very young. I think he's right. What's the rush? Pay your debts off first get a bit of savings then have the wedding you want.

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