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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my dh

27 replies

buffythebarbieslayer · 03/07/2014 13:42

I do, I really do Sad

Since the arrival of dc3 8 weeks ago I can't bear him. I can't bear him touching me or sleeping in the same bed. It was bliss when he was ill recently and had to sleep in spare room. He tried to hug me recently and I felt like dying inside. I cry at the thought of sex.

What's happened? It's freaking me out. We were always solid even after first two dc. I feel like this third baby has ruined us and ruined me. I want to run away with my baby because I'm sick of everyone else's demands.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/07/2014 13:44

Sounds like a serious case of knackered new mum to three quite possibly compounded by a knackered new dad of three to me.

How much support are you getting?

17leftfeet · 03/07/2014 13:44

Rationally, has he done anything specific to warrant your hatred or is it more a general feeling?

Wolfiefan · 03/07/2014 13:44

That last sentence could hold the key. After a day of cuddling/being mauled and dealing with the needs of everyone else I just wanted a bloody break and some quiet. (Not after DC1 but after DC2?) It got so much better when they were a bit older.
You sound a bit overwhelmed. How are you?

NynaevesSister · 03/07/2014 13:46

Don't beat yourself up. It sounds like post partum stress of some kind. Post natal depression or similar. Chances are you are having a huge hormonal surge.

You don't really feel this way. It is temporary. It will pass.

See your GP. Let your DP know you are feeling bad and it isn't anything you can control.

And in the meantime sending you lots of good vibes. You will feel better xxx

MrsWolowitz · 03/07/2014 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trooperslane · 03/07/2014 13:47

Are you breast feeding?

I hated the thought of someone else touching me after bfing all day.

Sensory overload.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/07/2014 13:48

Have a word with your GP or HV just in case exhaustion is turning into PND. Do you have enough help around the house? Could DH do more or maybe could you get a temp cleaner to cover the housework for a bit?

DoJo · 03/07/2014 13:49

I know LOADS of people who have felt like this after having a baby, many their second or third. In all cases, it has been a combination of hormones, tiredness, stress at the changes that the new arrival has brought and general protective parental instinct that wants everyone to just keep away. Unless he is behaving like an arse, doing things that annoy you, pestering you for sex, or being mean, I would assume that it some combination of these causing your feelings, especially if you think that they are irrational.

You could go to your GP to get checked for signs of PND or a hormonal imbalance that could be treatable rather than something that you just have to wait to pass..

GrubbyOldSock · 03/07/2014 13:53

Are you breast feeding? After pregnacy,,,having someone living in you and then attached to your boob and children grabbing you all the time. The idea of DH touching made me cringe. Too much. I just wanted my body to be mine again. The feeling went away though eventually. (this was after dc2) dc3 it was never an issue for me. I'd be totally honest with him about how you need space, how sex is OFF the table and could he sleep in the spare room and give you some space for as long as you need it. 8 weeks is not long post partum, I hope he isn't making you feel that should be happening already if you aren't ready?

GrubbyOldSock · 03/07/2014 13:54

*oh and assuming he is a grown up this shouldn't be an issue fo rhim

Original poster
buffythebarbieslayer · 03/07/2014 14:02

He's a fantastic husband and dad. Doesn't pressure me and pulls his weight. I know he's missing the affection though and feels unwanted.

It's me that's the problem

OP posts:
Original poster
buffythebarbieslayer · 03/07/2014 14:05

Im besotted with the baby but she's a bit of a screamer at times and not that easy.

OP posts:
halfwildlingwoman · 03/07/2014 14:06

It sounds like PND. I also hated being touched in the early days of BF. I felt 'all touched out'. 8 weeks is not very long, but I think you should see your GP.

PrimalLass · 03/07/2014 14:10

Totally normal IMO. I hated mine twice. I can laugh about it now.

littlepeas · 03/07/2014 14:10

Sounds like you could be feeling a bit 'touched out'. I get like this sometimes - it's all a bit much with 3 small dc climbing all over me all day and the dh wanting to cuddle, etc too - just want some space! It is even harder when bf, I think, as you do have a small person literally attached for a lot of the day.

2 out of 3 of our dc regularly get into bed with us during the night and I often wake up with someone lying over my face/similarly space invading. Dh generally will get them up and let me stretch out in bed alone for half an hour, which helps a lot.

goats · 03/07/2014 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhGood · 03/07/2014 14:20

Yep, I couldn't even bear having the cat on my lap. That needy miaowing...hated cat. Poor cat.

Though I would go with posters up-thread who have said maybe be aware of the potential of PND.

OP look after yourself. [tea]

ToriaPumpkin · 03/07/2014 14:30

I recently had DC2, she's FF now but even so after a day of being touched, prodded, stroked, laid on, nose and arse wiping, shouted at, whinged at, questioned and generally being needed by a newborn and 2yo DS I just really need silence and some time to be not touched. Unfortunately DD didn't get that memo and I spend most evenings holding her for long periods of time to stave of colic.

When DH comes near me, asks for a hug, complains or, as he has today, gone out to drink in a beer garden to celebrate the end of term with his colleagues, I want to remove small parts of him with a cheese slicer. It passes quickly and I accept it's irrational and will pass once I'm getting some sleep and time to myself again.

Lucky for me DH is about to be home for six weeks so he can do his share of baby settling and toddler distracting!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/07/2014 15:37

I know he's missing the affection though and feels unwanted.

^^ This - he (poor chap) is just yet another person who wants/needs a piece of you but as a grown adult you can legitimately resent him for his neediness rather than resenting your own children. Does that make sense? You'd probably murder someone at the door needing help and assistance!! Smile

Totally understandable in my view. You just need some time to yourself and some head space and probably another 4 weeks until DC3 settles down a bit. Unfortunately for your DH he's on the receiving end. I'd just tell him you are feeling totally overwhelmed by 3 at the moment and take it from there.

Would you describe yourself as an introvert out of interest? There's a great blog of the day on MN about it.

GrubbyOldSock · 03/07/2014 17:02

I know he's missing the affection though and feels unwanted.
How do you know that though?
Has he said it? If he hasn't and you are assuming this out of guilt, you've said yourself he is good man and he loves you and cares about you. He can handle this. He is an adult. We'd all like what we want but being adults we can step back and say we don't get everything we want when we want it.

If he is subtly making you realise that he is missing the affection and feels unwanted that's not on. It's not. It really isn't because someone isn't "unwanted" becuase they've had to go 8 weeks out attention because their partner has just pushed a human being out of them and is probably totally sleep derived and has other children to attend to, you see?

Original poster
buffythebarbieslayer · 03/07/2014 19:41

Yes complete introvert! Goodness knows why I thought it a good idea to have three kids!

I remember a thread where a mum couldn't understand other mothers who stayed at home every afternoon so their baby/toddler could nap. My favourite time of day. Door shut, phone off, peace...bliss!

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/07/2014 07:58

Any chance you can wangle an hour to yourself a few evenings a week - go for a walk or a drive snooze?
I think that's what kills me about the early years, it's just unrelenting not to have some quiet time without responsibility for someone

Trollsworth · 04/07/2014 08:00

Mother nature's contraceptive

Try to get through it, it gets better.

snoggle · 04/07/2014 08:20

Can totally empathise with this.
And the needy miaowing cat. My poor cat is often the final straw - when he starts rubbing himself round my feet he doesn't get the best reception at the moment...

DH is more easily solved. Just tell him you need some space, come back in 3 months :)

DrDre · 04/07/2014 08:45

My wife is like this, even with a 5 and a 7 year old. By the end of a day with the kids she just wants time by herself. If me or the cat try and have a cuddle with her we get the rough edge of her tongue!

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