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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just sleep with him, despite any consequences.

43 replies

cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:00

Met a man from the internet, have had two smashing dates with him.

Things got a bit heated last time, and we both stopped, he said, to my face, that he was glad we stopped as he liked me, and didnt want it to be just about sex.

Im seeing him again tonight, I think its very very likley that, should i want to of course, sex is on the cards.

We are exclusive, both of us have said we arent after just sex. However, having done some online dating, i know this doesnt really count for much, and the worry he will vanish, never to be seen again, after tonight, is quite high.

We have planned stuff to do together early next week, but again, ive learnt not to count on this and i might be something said just to get in my pants.

BUT, i do really fancy him. Ive had sex 2.5 times this year, and that was a good 3 months ago. Prior to that, the last time i had sex was april or may 2013 ( just the once) and the time before that... cant even remember. So, basically, ive had sex less than 5 times in the last two years.

Do i just go for it? and trust what he says? or try to hold off, cutting my nose off to spite my face?

OP posts:
DefiniteMaybe · 03/07/2014 11:03

Go for it!

hmmmwhatnow · 03/07/2014 11:04

I would but that's because I don't always see an emotional attachment to sex and I certainly don't believe in playing games. So if he really is the type to get sex then be gone or believe that a woman "giving it up" on a first date isn't partner materiel then I wouldn't want to be with him anyway if that makes sense.

Have sex if you want sex, treat the relationship separately.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/07/2014 11:04

So long as you are both single, consenting adults then you can do whatever you both want to! Grin.

Just remember to take precautions .

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/07/2014 11:05

I met my OH ten years ago with online dating; and we had one date and the next time we met up we ended up in bed. Was very good.

Still together and celebrating 10 years at the end of the month.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/07/2014 11:05

P.S. 2.5 times?!

EElisavetaofBelsornia · 03/07/2014 11:06

Well, either he is genuine, so it will have been fine to shag him, or he will run for the hills, in which case you found out early enough not to waste time on him, and had sex. Do it!!

VivienScott · 03/07/2014 11:06

Thing about internet dating is, it's just like normal dating. Just because you met him online doesn't mean he's anymore or less likely to run off or stick around after sex. Yes, there are some players out there, just like in real life. My experience of it is that if they just want a shag, they won't put much effort into it, if you don't put out on the first date, they won't come back for a second or a third. I have no idea but he doesn't sound like a chancer from what you've said. If you want to do the deed then do it, enjoy it and if he walks away after, at least you didn't do anything you didn't want to. I think you've got the right attitude you do need to be cautious, but you also sometimes need to just jump in and hope for the best. Good luck!

Original poster
cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:06

hmmm, i agree, and thats my stance too. However, since ive been single far too many years than id like to admit, and i quite like him, the relationship side is of more importance than it might be....

he doesnt seem like a dickhead at all, and i did say to him last night that i didnt want to race, and he agreed and said that we are both grown ups, we have both made clear we arent just after sex, and whatevers happens is fine with him.

OP posts:
my2centsis · 03/07/2014 11:07

Go for it!!

But can I ask how you have had sexy 2.5 times this year? (Completely unhelpful question I know)

CashmereMouse · 03/07/2014 11:07

Go for it, enjoy the evening, don't get too emotionally invested and be prepared that fab sex is all it might be.

You don't have to let him know that's what you're thinking, but if you have mentally set yourself up that it might be just sex, then it's not such a disappointment if that's all it ends up being, iyswim.

Have fun Wink and don't forget the condoms!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/07/2014 11:07

Put it this way, if he's just after sex he'll be just after sex. By which I mean, if sex is all he wants and you sleep with him now, he'll disappear, but if sex is all he wants and you sleep with him in 3 months, he'll still disappear.

So if you sleep with him now you'll get laid and you'll know what his real intentions are - win-win in my book. But then I never subscribed to the 'sex is precious and you're giving away part of your soul if you sleep with someone' theory.

If he's an untruthful arse who is only interested in the chase, better to know now - why would holding off change him?

themonsteratemyspacebaragain · 03/07/2014 11:07

3rd date rule and all that Wink!
Go for it woman, no matter when you have it you are going to think exactly the same thing. So you may aswell get it out of the way, relieve the tension and then you will see if hes gonna do a runner or not. Saves thinking like this for a few more weeks!

FWIW i don't think he's gonna do a runner and think you will have a fab time as it sounds exactly the same as my relationship with DP. Have fun, relax and enjoy Grin

x2boys · 03/07/2014 11:07

Well the last one night stand I had I am still with married him six months later and nine years two children later we are very happy having said that I was single for a long time before I met and I am well aware some men will say anything just for sex so as long as you are prepared that you may never see him again yanbu but if you are going to get hurt its just not worth it .

mumtosome61 · 03/07/2014 11:07

Hmm - if you were to have sex with him and he was to hypothetically disappear off the face of the earth (which does happen, regardless of what people say) - how would you feel? For someone people they would feel disappointed, upset, hurt, used and some people would just shrug their shoulders and see it as sex with someone you fancied and that a disappearing act is his loss.

I think it really depends on your emotional attachments. You can't guess his motives and the only way you will know is by finding out or asking him, but again, people can be dishonest and skewer situations to benefit them.

He could be a great guy who doesn't want you to feel objectified or that he is too keen or that he's only out for one thing. He could be a massive tosser who is wooing you. It's way too hard to tell and I don't envy that situation.

If it would upset you to have sex and have no contact, I'd say don't do it or lay some foundations first. I had sex with my DP about four/five dates in, but I've had sex with previous partners after 2/3. I've also whimsically allowed myself to have sex with guys who were only out for sex despite assuring otherwise, so I know it's not always obvious what to do.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 03/07/2014 11:08

If he's a keeper he's not gonig to be put off by you having sex with him is he.

If he turns out not to be a keeper, will you be upset at having had sex with him anyway?

DH and I had sex on the first night and still together 3 kids and 20 years later.

Iggly · 03/07/2014 11:09

What exactly is 0.5 times of sex?! nosey

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/07/2014 11:10

I note your thread title says 'despite any consequences' and will join Santa in sounding like your mother... I'm sure you don't want one or two of the consequences of sex so make sure you have a grown-up talk about protection first!

FreudiansSlipper · 03/07/2014 11:13

how upset will you be if he does not bother to contact you again. if you have had a good time enjoyed the sex then just take as that but he may not do that

this could happen at anytime not just with internet dating, but the difference is that there are far far more options but that is for both of you though does seem to work in men's favour more

Original poster
cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:16

oh, the 0.5,it mightbe more like a 0.3. I had a few dates with someone, he had no condoms, so we didnt, but it sort of went in for a few seconds.

maybe 0.2

urgh,

Im not prudish about sex at all, and am not one of those 'hold off to keep him types' but hes the first man in a lot of years that actually has any kind of actual, serious relationship potential,plus he is solvent and weget on really well.

but of course,all that could be wooing me...

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 03/07/2014 11:19

it could be

just enjoy it rather than thinking where is this going it is only your third date

Original poster
cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:19

id be really quite hurt if i didnt hear from him if we did have sex.

just because , he would have totally lied to my face about everything and i would feel like a fool for believing him.

He has taken his dating profile down, and told he he had done that, he also brought up being exclusive whilewe are dating. hes told me he likes me... and hes made future plans with me.

if i didnt hear fromhim after, that means allthat was bull

OP posts:
bleurghblah · 03/07/2014 11:24

A very wise lady said above if he is only after sex that won't change if you have it now or have it in a month. That being said, You are obviously in two minds about it so maybe try and wait one more time? You will know after then. I say this as someone who has consoled many an internet dater for giving away their flower on the first or second date never to be heard from again

FreudiansSlipper · 03/07/2014 11:25

he could be feeling that way right now, he could change his mind

all seems very full on which at times does happen and works out great

thing with internet dating is you could go on there tonight and get another date lined up and so could he so it does change things

what if you do not have sex with him until you feel a little more confident in how you are feeling

x2boys · 03/07/2014 11:28

If he just after sex though he is unlikely to hang around for more than a few dates its a difficult one just be cautious .

BeCool · 03/07/2014 11:31

If you like him ..... wait!

If you don't like him that much (but fancy him) or aren't that bothered, then go for it!

There is nothing wrong with being horny for a while - and imagine how great it will be when eventually you DTD and are both more emotionally connected!