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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just sleep with him, despite any consequences.

43 replies

cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:00

Met a man from the internet, have had two smashing dates with him.

Things got a bit heated last time, and we both stopped, he said, to my face, that he was glad we stopped as he liked me, and didnt want it to be just about sex.

Im seeing him again tonight, I think its very very likley that, should i want to of course, sex is on the cards.

We are exclusive, both of us have said we arent after just sex. However, having done some online dating, i know this doesnt really count for much, and the worry he will vanish, never to be seen again, after tonight, is quite high.

We have planned stuff to do together early next week, but again, ive learnt not to count on this and i might be something said just to get in my pants.

BUT, i do really fancy him. Ive had sex 2.5 times this year, and that was a good 3 months ago. Prior to that, the last time i had sex was april or may 2013 ( just the once) and the time before that... cant even remember. So, basically, ive had sex less than 5 times in the last two years.

Do i just go for it? and trust what he says? or try to hold off, cutting my nose off to spite my face?

OP posts:
BeCool · 03/07/2014 11:34

Mind you, even if he is just after sex and is stringing you along, he knows that eventually you will sleep with him, so he will date you for as many dates as it takes.

I am rubbish at dating - but if I was to reenter that world again, I wouldn't sleep with anyone I wasn't emotionally tied too. Sex is great but there are so many more important things in a relationship for me - I'd nail some of them first.

Original poster
cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:34

but then i think, theres great chemistry there, ive hardly had any sex for the last few years.... and i should take it when i can!

OP posts:
mrsjavierbardem · 03/07/2014 11:37

It is more dependable if you want to reel him in to not do the deed.

Men are different from women, some of them literally switch off once they've shagged someone, the chase is over, been there done that. Not saying he is one of those! But there seems to be a lot of men who are amazing until the morning after.

I have always held out, you can still be intimate, but keep the shagging til you know each other a bit and see what he is made of. By the time you sleep together, in my experience, you should be slightly part of his life enough so that he would miss you. Then the shagging becomes a kind of confirmation of commitment as opposed to an act in hope of him staying keen.

Hold out, it so often works, it sorts the men from the boys, and if he loses interest then you have to ask whether he is worth the risk of catching crabs from. I mean you catch all sorts from a guy you have met three times! That's my biggest reason for never having been a straight to bed lass, I always think you could wake up and have his wife pouring a nice hot cup of tea on your face if you're not really sure who the guy is.

Original poster
cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:45

ive never been the type to hold out. My ex husband was from a one nightstand.

I like sex, its fun and ive never used it as a way to keep a man, or anything like that., and i dont even know at this point that i want to be in a committed relationship with him, i certainly couldnt decide that until after we had shagged.... what if it was awful?

Itsjust, after being single for so long, and having had the wool pulled over my eyes by a fair amount of dates.... im a bit more cautious.

OP posts:
OleOleOle · 03/07/2014 11:46

If you want to do it and are protected, with condoms and emotionally go for it.

I thought I'd add, that my single male friend always turns away from first attempts at sex and says to the lady, that he doesn't want it to be all about sex. He says it pretty much guarantees him lots of great sex!

Original poster
cautionintothewind · 03/07/2014 11:57

Of course it does.

This is why its so difficult.
its almost impossible to tell.

I once had a few dates with a guy who had chased me for two years, ended up back at his and he makes plans with me for the next day. We have a few glasses of wine and have sex. I go home to shower and get ready, never to hear from him again.

OP posts:
Cheepypeepy · 03/07/2014 12:54

:( some people are just weird, and they mange to hide it really well

you could spend a lot of time second guessing people after an experience like that but at some time at some level you have to trust some one if you want a relationship

I am not the prudish type but often split people in my head into ´don´t think this will last ´ and ´want to get to know better ´and would mind sex first time with the first group but would hang on a bit with the second, it´s nice to have things to talk about the morning after and helps if you and the laughing at yourself rather than playing it cool stage . . .

Marylou62 · 03/07/2014 13:03

Sounds like you have thought of all the possibilities. You sound mature enough to cope if he does a 'runner.' I knew my DH as a friend before we had a ONS....28 years later...still together! Go for it!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/07/2014 13:07

If I say you can will you say I can Grin

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 03/07/2014 13:27

Stop thinking
start shagging!
If he likes you he's not going to do a runner is he?
Do you think he is going through the same emotional torment? No!

halfwildlingwoman · 03/07/2014 14:15

Go for it. Sod games. I slept with DH on our first official date and we are still together 15 years later. He clearly wasn't just after sex, but we really really wanted to!

SanityClause · 03/07/2014 14:21

If he does plan to dump you after having sex the first time, better to find out sooner rather than later, I would've thought.

I agree with Potato.

If he likes you, he'll still like you once you've DTD. If he's not that into you, at least you'll get to have sex with someone for the 3.5th time this year.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/07/2014 11:24

Would it be terribly declasse to ask for an update OP????

normalishdude · 04/07/2014 12:47

I say go for it. BTW I've had sex 36.7686996824 times this last 47.65 days.

vitaminz · 04/07/2014 12:51

You can enjoy sex as much as you want. You don't have to feel bad about it. If you are ok with the possibility that this guy doesn't get back to you if you have sex, then go for it! Sex is fun and healthy and as long as you do it safely then why not?

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 04/07/2014 12:57

Make sure you are protected and go for it.

What in earth to loose. If he's going to piss off after then do be it. If not great.

Oh and get a rabbit too.

CarmineRose1978 · 04/07/2014 14:13

I held out for 5 dates with my DP... partly that was due to circumstances because we were meeting up for dinner in places halfway between us (lived an hour apart). But it was also because I felt I'd slept with people too early in the past. To be honest, I wasn't planning on sleeping with him on the fifth date either, but I was overcome (in a good way, by my feelings. NOT in a rapey way!). It just felt right. And now it's 18 months later and we're having a baby together.

So basically - if it feels right, go for it, is my advice. If he's the kind of toerag who'll bugger off after one shag, he's going to do that anyway.

qwertybirdie · 04/07/2014 14:45

The kind of person he is won't change according to you having / not having sex with him tonight. He is either a keeper or he isn't. If you have great sex tonight and he disappears, at least you found out now.

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