Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I done the right thing?

40 replies

Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 10:43

DH and I haven't had a night away just the two of us. My mum offered to have the children at our house so we booked 2 nights at a local hotel, as it's DH's birthday. We were due to go this weekend and this morning I said "are you sure you're up for this?" And she said she felt a bit under the weather and could we just go next weekend instead? Well no, the hotel was booked months ago and we wouldn't get a reservation as it's v v popular. So I tried to cancel and we would have lost all the money. Sad
So I said to my mum why don't you and dad go? But no, she's in a knark with him and they're not speaking. Then she was all "oh just go, I'll have to manage." Hmm
I said there was no way I could relax knowing she wasn't well and it was likely my dad wouldn't be coming either, so offered it to my SIL (who is v excited so that's good)
And now my mother is cross with me for not going and "making me feel bad" and my dad is cross that he's not going.
And my husband is cross with my mum cos he thinks she doesn't like him and that's partly why she cancelled. And I'm just pissed off.

OP posts:
greyhoundgymnastics · 03/07/2014 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 10:47

Yes I think so too. And now she's cross with me! The hotel is bloody gorgeous, SIL will have a great time and it's been 6 years since we have had even a single child free night.

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/07/2014 10:48

Your mum should have manned up - "a bit under the weather" is a rubbish reason for copping out of something that was clearly very important to you. Does your DH have a point - is this actually because she doesn't like him?

greyhoundgymnastics · 03/07/2014 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 10:50

Well she back tracked like mad and said "well I'll just dig deeper." But I couldn't go and leave her with three young kids knowing she wasn't up for it.
And yes DH might have a bit of a point but I never realised she'd piss me off just to annoy him!

OP posts:
Qirshali · 03/07/2014 10:53

I'm so angry for you! If I were your sister in law I would just offer to babysit instead. Any chance of her doing that?

londonrach · 03/07/2014 10:54

Tiger. So sorry to hear thus. Maybe sil as a thank you will look after your children over night one day soon so you can get one night away. Very kind of you to give it to her.

Pandsbear · 03/07/2014 10:57

What???? Yes if I was your SIL I would babysit for you as well rather than her taking the weekend. And I think your Mum should have just got on with it tbh, she offered and you booked YOUR weekend away. YANBU.

GiniCooper · 03/07/2014 11:00

Why didn't SIL babysit?

HayDayQueen · 03/07/2014 11:01

As crap as it all is your mother will have well and truly learned her lesson about playing the martyr act now, won't she!!!

Well done op on calling her out. Bet she thought she could play act 'woe is me' for ages but you put a stop to it straight away.

Original poster
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 11:01

SIL is lovely but my kids are a handful and she doesn't have any, and I think it'd be too much for her. She's just got engaged so this can be her present and I don't begrudge it at all.

OP posts:
WanderingAway · 03/07/2014 11:02

I think your SIL should have offered to keep the kids rather than accept it. I do hope she gave you the money for the hotel.

Original poster
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 11:04

No SIL is skint, we offered it for free as a gift. But before that I'd offered it to my parents, and my mum and her best mate but no. No.

OP posts:
rhubarbcrumbleplease · 03/07/2014 11:05

DM sounds really mean. She's not well enough to look after DC but would be fine to go away over night.

If it's a local hotel, could SIL go for 1 night & you & DH go for the 2nd? Maybe even if you went for dinner & a sleep over Wink and came back reasonably earlish SIL could babysit at your house.

EElisavetaofBelsornia · 03/07/2014 11:10

That's such a shame, totally reasonable to be pissed off. At least SIL can babysit one evening so you and DH can go for a nice meal? My DSis stays over and gets DCs up in the morning so we can have a lie in sometimes - could she do that?

EElisavetaofBelsornia · 03/07/2014 11:11

Could your SIL do that for you I mean, not my DSis. Though she could be your back.up option!

Original poster
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 11:12

No we've offered it as a present now, and I couldn't leave the children with SIL.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 03/07/2014 11:16

Fuck offering it to your martyr mum! Your clearly a much nicer person than most!

I think its lovely you offered to sil though. You defenetly did the right thing by not allowing your mum to babysitter even though you'll miss out. It's not worth all the
"Oooh remember when I babysat, and I was soooooo ill? Remember? You both got to go away for dh birthday because im just sooooooo selfless and giving"
Fuck that for a bag of chips!

NickiFury · 03/07/2014 11:19

Your Mum sounds like a self centred martyr. She wanted you to go I think but with a nice big dose of guilt at how much she was putting herself out for you just to take the shine off. Selfish and I would be really annoyed with her.

Rubadubstylee · 03/07/2014 11:21

You're nicer than me because I would have asked SIL to babysit and I'd have still gone!

But aside from that, YANBU. I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving the kids with your mum once she had already put a spanner in the works said she wasn't feeling up to it.

If she feels bad, tough. It's because she acted badly.

MagicMojito · 03/07/2014 11:23

NickiFury has it spot on.

Qirshali · 03/07/2014 11:29

Ok your reasons for offering to SIL are lovely and highly appropriate, you've done the best thing considering. But now both your mum and your SIL owe you a big favour each, well maybe not so much your SIL, but definitely your mum.

Original poster
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 11:31

Thankyou all, for being so nice. I'm sitting in Morrison's carpark eating a chip butty to spite her.
I don't feel like I have the right to be cross with her cos she does do loads for us and is round every day. She only lives around the corner and my kids are her world.
I think we've got some boundaries out of balance though - age has lots of nervous energy and comes over every morning before school. It's a great help but it also puts us all on edge as we "jane to be dressed before nana gets here" etc and I've asked her to stop but she says it gives her morning structure, so she would carry on if that's ok.
I know some women get no help at all and I feel awful for moaning when I do get loads, but I'm just sad and disappointed, especially for DH. He was there and she never once said a word to him even though it's his birthday that was ruined.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 03/07/2014 11:32

Bless you Op....Maybe your sil could help you out one weekend with your dc in the future....

Wow your mum really is seeking the heights of martyrdom there.

DoJo · 03/07/2014 11:33

'Well, as you can imagine mum, I'm not exactly thrilled about missing out either, but I am not prepared to leave the kids with you if you don't think you're up to it. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on them, and you moaning about it isn't fair on me, so can we all just agree that it's a shitty situation and say no more about it please.'

That is the polite version of what I would have wanted to say (minus several instances of the word 'fuck' and 'bloody moaner'!). You are clearly a kind and generous person - don't let your mum make you feel bad about the way you have handled it as it involved far more grace than I would have mustered.