Have I done the right thing?

[Tigerbike]

DH and I haven't had a night away just the two of us. My mum offered to have the children at our house so we booked 2 nights at a local hotel, as it's DH's birthday. We were due to go this weekend and this morning I said "are you sure you're up for this?" And she said she felt a bit under the weather and could we just go next weekend instead? Well no, the hotel was booked months ago and we wouldn't get a reservation as it's v v popular. So I tried to cancel and we would have lost all the money.
So I said to my mum why don't you and dad go? But no, she's in a knark with him and they're not speaking. Then she was all "oh just go, I'll have to manage."
I said there was no way I could relax knowing she wasn't well and it was likely my dad wouldn't be coming either, so offered it to my SIL (who is v excited so that's good)
And now my mother is cross with me for not going and "making me feel bad" and my dad is cross that he's not going.
And my husband is cross with my mum cos he thinks she doesn't like him and that's partly why she cancelled. And I'm just pissed off.

I think you might have cut off your nose op, unless you have only just realised your mum has these tendencies. I have a similar dynamic and now just say "Oh dear, well thanks anyway".

She is definitely out of order being cross with you for not going and "making her feel bad."

See you're damned if you do, damned if you don't so next time just factor in her martyrish tendencies. Get online and book something now. Ask her which weekend suits and just book it. You and OH will feel a lot better, even if it isn't such a fab hotel.

Oh and your dads at missing out on a nice mini break

Tiger, your mother is obviously vying for the Martyred Mother of the Year title, and you did well to call her bluff. It's a pity that you and your DH missed out on a lovely weekend break, but I believe in karma and there'll be something equally lovely for you in the future.

You did give her a bit of a get out clause by asking if she was still up for it.

Yes I did Crinkle, and I thought it was the right thing to do.

eating a chip butty to spite her.

Really sorry your lovely treat's gone awry OP and sorry for DH too.
It sounds like your DM's a bit at war with the world at the moment and as others have said playing the martyr.

I think she's made a serious error of judgement and now trying to blame you for making her feel bad? Oh dear. She needs to think about a little bit of respect for others I think especially regarding the morning routine. Keep a weather eye on her though incase something's deeply amiss with her?

You've done a lovely thing for your SIL so I hope karma pays you back kindly and for you and DH and a clunk with a to DM.

Thankyou x

When you say "something is amiss" what kind of thing do you mean? But scared!

Tigerbike - it was the right thing to do so ignore those implying it is your own fault your mother said no. Also, stop her coming in the mornings. It doesn't help you and you are not there to give her structure at the expense of you. It isn't fair on your children.

Get yourself M&S food for Saturday night and a calorific pudding have a nice evening.

Tiger we don't know your Mum so obviously all sympathy is with you and the fact that she's let you down. I don't mean to worry you at all, just an idea that rather than simply being awkward she may have something underlying that's making her behave like this i.e. going against your request to come round every morning because she needs to, 'bit under the weather' narky with your dad, letting you down when you'd already booked

You do know her and it might just be her personality, or, there's a possibility she has some concerns of her own which are making her behave this way? I don't know, health? general unhappiness? sometimes being a martyr is a cry for attention.

If it were my own DM I'd know it's just because she's made that way and has plenty of form.
It just struck me as a fairly big thing to make a issue over and then turn it back on you, not as though it was a quick meal down the pub is it.

You are a much much nicer person than I am OP. Are you able financially to call her bluff and book something for next weekend. After all she did say to you to try and change it for next weekend. I'd stick the cost on my visa and go just to spite her.

Everyone else is right but i just wanted to point out she said nothing to your Dh at all? Even though its his birthday thing? Do you mean she said nothing about the ruined weekend or rather she didn't say anything to him at all? Does she talk to him when she turns up in the mornings?

Can you clarify because the way i read it she ignored him and that's not on at all, but I could be reading more into what you've written than I should got grumpy, moody pants on today and taking everything to heart

Tiger, I feel so bad for you, what a massive disappointment. Your mother, frankly, sounds like a cow. You say she does loads for you but I note it's on her terms, not necessarily because she genuinely wants to help.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that you cut your nose off to spite your face and tell her not to help out, but as PP have said, this experience has just highlighted just how much of a martyr complex she has and is something for you to bear in mind in future. Can you suggest that you and your DH go out and she at least babysits for you? If not on your DH's actual birthday, then another day not far off?

Oh, and what you did for your SIL is lovely. I'd be absolutely over the moon if it were me.

Heathcliff, that's what I would do to!!

Yes get that booked up....

Well my mum went to the docs. This is pretty much unheard of, but she had had blood tests a couple of months ago and had forgotten to follow up. And it turns out she has celiacs disease and severe anaemia! she had to go for an endoscopy and is also on ABs for a recurrent throat infection. Poor mum! I didn't think you could develop it later in life but it seems she has!
So thanks Hen15, you swami mystic!