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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn't be called "retarded" or "downie"?

70 replies

TheSameBoat · 02/07/2014 22:24

DS has Asperger's and dyslexia so teasing has been something he's (sadly) become used to.

He is seriously uncoordinated when it comes to sports such as football and running. This is down to his condition (it's on his diagnosis FGS) and as a result he is often blamed by his classmates for letting the side down and has been called "downie" and "retarded" by them.

Is this just banter that he has to put up with or is it as shocking as it sounds to me? And WIBU to ask that he be taken out of team sports?

OP posts:
dawndonnaagain · 03/07/2014 10:43

I have three with Aspergers. Completely and utterly unacceptable.

I wouldn't mind "Downie" if he had Downs
Do fuck off back to school, I know exams have finished, but your standard of debate only ensures your D grade.

CharmQuark · 03/07/2014 11:31

I agree: of course the use of such vile language is not about his dx - it is unacceptable in any context. I conflated two trains of thought and caused misunderstanding - I didn't mean to imply that the language and abuse would be OK if there was no dx - sorry!.

  1. It is unacceptable to use that language
  1. A dx is a factual explanation as to why some people simply cannot co-ordinate or find it very hard, and sometimes assertive and sensitive education of kids in a class can help them to be more understanding and appreciative of the efforts someone makes, rather than yelling at them for 'letting the team down'. My DC and I did a presentation to the class about the condition and the effects in a factual and upfront way, and it transformed DC's experience for the next few years. But those were younger kids.

Talk to the Head of Year, the PE teacher and whatever the SENCO department is - is there a Head of Inclusion?

ProudAS · 03/07/2014 11:37

Aspie is acceptable for someone with Aspergers (it us an informal and affectionate term coined by people with the condition) but not if it is used in a derogatory manner and not everyone on the spectrum likes it.

Have people with Downs come up with a similar term?

Perspective21 · 03/07/2014 11:42

I have reported the hateful, disabilist comments about "downie". My son has DS and has never been referred to this way. He does have DS and I would bloody mind actually. I'm assuming this vitriolic comment was made by an ignorant, bored lurker.

This is all too common and depressing lately. My second DD will soon join her sister in high school and the eldest has begged me to send my son to special high school when his turn comes as she is convinced he will be a target for name calling. Her school is full of lovely, lovely pupils too but too many teens use this awful language, unthinkingly and casually.

She is fast approaching 14 and said, even if people aren't personally referring to him (her brother) , I don't think it's a place he will be able to feel happy as some people are too mean.

Shame on the casual hate language users, they need pulling up every single time...I feel outraged that my daughters feel such pain on behalf of their brother...

Perspective21 · 03/07/2014 11:45

FFS!!
people with Down's Syndrome don't like to be called anything other than their name!!!

I have never heard anyone with DS refer to themselves with a similar term

Unbelievable.....

Perspective21 · 03/07/2014 12:01

And here's my final word on this thread,

Imagine your beautiful child is born, he has a disability. Are you ever going to be okay with people calling him by his medical syndrome name, whether out of affection, or not?!

No, of course you are not. You will want him to be called by his name!!

People falling over themselves justifying whether these terms are insults or not, imagine it's your child, now how to you feel? We all should challenge insulting language wherever it occurs, real people with families and lives are dealing with disability daily, it's not a joke to us...

Thankfully, the worst comment has now been deleted as a result of reporting. Please report any comments like these in the future.

GoblinLittleOwl · 03/07/2014 12:18

I am surprised at this; I have taught classes which included children with Downs and children with quite bad special needs, and the children were universally supportive, to the extent of forming a 'club' to look after these children at playtime. They were far more tolerant of their failings at games than they were of the girls who made daisy chains and performed cartwheels instead of fielding; they did get mouthfuls. It may have been because they all grew up together, in a quite large village, and had known them almost since birth. This behaviour needs dealing with immediately.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 12:52

That poster was deleted, I hope they got a stern email as to why too.

MyFairyKing · 03/07/2014 14:05

Of course he's shouldn't no AIBU about it! Kids can be so cruel. So, can adults, judging by a comment upthread.

justmyview · 03/07/2014 14:22

*retard is definatly commen insult and usually amongst friends at my dcs high school.

It's all in the context it's used*

Maybe it's a common insult at high school, I don't know, but that doesn't make it acceptable. Kids need to be taught how to show respect. All sorts of language used to be considered acceptable but we've moved on.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/07/2014 14:25

I would be more angry at any of my children using words like that than I would be if they called someone a festering knob jockey cunt!

autumnsmum · 03/07/2014 14:56

I know some people choose to refer to themselves as auties and aspies but personally I dislike the term it seems to reduce a person to their diagnosis

dawndonnaagain · 03/07/2014 15:17

I use Aspie, we all do here, but we don't feel it reduces us to our diagnosis, we feel that it makes us part of a community. One of the things about AS is that we don't fit, square peg etc. so being part of a community is a positive.

edamsavestheday · 03/07/2014 15:25

What the hell?! This is appalling bullying. Calling people 'retard' or 'downie' is discriminatory and hateful.

TheSameBoat please complain to the head immediately. The school is required to have an equalities policy and to operate in line with the Equality Act. That outlaws discrimination on grounds of disability - which is what this is. You can contact the Equalities Commission, or perhaps www.autism.org.uk/ the National Autism Society, for more information and support.

If the head doesn't take this extremely seriously and act immediately, use the NAS/EC advice to take it to the governors and, if necessary, your MP. This is outrageous and it should never be allowed to go on in schools, or indeed anywhere else.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/07/2014 15:29

Blimey how old are some posters? Retard was a flipping common insult when I was a kid and I'm 37! Don't believe people are hearing it for first times. Knocking about for eons.

It isn't banter. It isn't supposed to be. Gotta follow up on that I'm afraid op. Sorry for your poor boy.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 03/07/2014 15:34

I don't understand why some posters have said "oh it's a common insult, it's all down to context" (no Minnie I don't mean you as you've clearly stated it's not on)

There's lots of racist words that were common insults at one time, and they're not acceptable now. Get with the programme, people. It's not rocket science. This is not news - the word is inappropriate.

Original poster
TheSameBoat · 11/07/2014 12:11

Hello. I just wanted to give an update as everyone was so helpful.

It is still happening, the name calling plus he was assaulted the next day by a year 10 boy (he is year 7). I went into school trying to be firm but ended up having a complete meltdown! Which probably got my point across in a weird way.

I think they are taking it on board as they were very very concerned. So it's a work in progress. In the meantime I'm keeping a diary of any incidents.

Thanks for spurring me on to action and the hand holding. Not the first time I'm grateful to be part of the lovely MN Massive Thanks

OP posts:
IamSlave · 11/07/2014 12:53

Brilliant Same, do keep on top of it though and dont let them wash you off with investigations...

SaggyAndLucy · 11/07/2014 13:17

That's awful! Sad But well done you for complaining.
One thing I found out when DS was being picked on is that it's important to back each visit to school up in writing, and keep copies, recounting everything that was said and asking for confirmation in writing of what will be done.
The school have to reply and you have a record to fall back on if the school don't do enough to resolve the situation. Also, if you get no joy with the teacher/head, then keep going up the ladder to governors/LEA until you get some action.
And stay strong. x

taxi4ballet · 11/07/2014 13:48

Perhaps the schools shouldn't be banning the use of particular insulting words, but ALL insults and abusive terms, and coming down like a ton of bricks on anyone who chooses to ignore the rules.

The use of particular words and insults changes over time and different ones fall in and out of favour. When I was at school in the 70's all of these were in common usage: durrbrain, twitface, moron, gormo, spazmo, uglymug, idiot chops, spiny, thicko, wally... the list goes on (and a couple more that I can't even bring my self to type).

Kids will be kids, and if a certain word is banned they will find another.

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