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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn't be called "retarded" or "downie"?

70 replies

TheSameBoat · 02/07/2014 22:24

DS has Asperger's and dyslexia so teasing has been something he's (sadly) become used to.

He is seriously uncoordinated when it comes to sports such as football and running. This is down to his condition (it's on his diagnosis FGS) and as a result he is often blamed by his classmates for letting the side down and has been called "downie" and "retarded" by them.

Is this just banter that he has to put up with or is it as shocking as it sounds to me? And WIBU to ask that he be taken out of team sports?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSameBoat · 02/07/2014 22:49

Ok, thanks for strengthening my resolve! I guess I'm just so used to DS's attitude that this is something that he has to put up with. I am always Shock when he tells me and want to go roaring up to the school but he doesn't want the embarrassment.

I've held back because i remember the mortification of your mum sorting out your problems for you but I do think this is pretty bad and is worth kicking up a fuss over.

OP posts:
CharmQuark · 02/07/2014 22:49

Very sorry to hear this, it sounds horrid.

How old is he?

It isn't, of course , remotely acceptable to say stuff like that or to be teased or verbally abused. But it's possible that these kids don't know about a diagnosis?

As parents and adult women we don't like it but the truth is that even amongst 'nice boys ' the way they talk to each other from about 8 or 9 up can be awful. But they should know better than to use language like that.

Talk to the school , definitely.

Also, can you coach him in some robust responses, and remind him of things he can do well and others can't?

I have a child with a condition that puts serious footie moves out of reach and we supported him to stop trying to fit in with the football and to pursue a couple of other interests that now actually give him some kudos.

RockandRollsuicide · 02/07/2014 22:51

Would the school accept racist comments?

Its not just your son its the wider context of the children thinking its ok going round using this language If I was a HT this would be getting serious attention from me, with letters home asking parents to suport the school in stamping out this vile abuse.

PolterGoose · 02/07/2014 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thornrose · 02/07/2014 22:56

OMG, it's not about the child's diagnosis fgs.

Original poster
TheSameBoat · 02/07/2014 22:59

He's 12 for everyone who's asked.
There was an initiative to tell the other kids about certain learning disabilities but I don't think it had much of an impact.

It's hard to tell how much he is affected by it. Sometimes he does get sad about his lack of friends and the name-calling (he dreads PE days) but mostly just gets on with things. Like I said, it's me that gets angry on his behalf.

Aw, I'm just gonna have to be one of those moany mums that teachers hate!!

OP posts:
FloraPost · 02/07/2014 23:02

So Audit, if I follow your logic correctly then it's ok to call someone a paki if they are (or look like they might be) of Pakistani heritage? Right? Hmm

thornrose · 02/07/2014 23:02

No, not moany, and at my school you would not be hated at all, you would be listened to and respected.

I am passionate about this, any PE teacher worth her/his salt would be horrified. PE should be as inclusive as any other lesson.

ResponsibleAdult · 02/07/2014 23:05

Those comments are never acceptable in any environment. You "roar up" your words to the school and tell them to fucking sort it out.

Streuth! Fecking outrageous. Been into the school for less not favourite parent, but don't give a shit"Your DC are only at school once.

Original poster
TheSameBoat · 02/07/2014 23:05

Well quite Polter. I remember DS called a girl "four eyes" when he was little. I don't think he's quite gotten over the subsequent bollocking he got from me!

And he's never called anyone "four eyes" again..

OP posts:
RockandRollsuicide · 02/07/2014 23:11

Aw, I'm just gonna have to be one of those moany mums that teachers hate!!

Moany mum no...isn't is a criminal offence now to use this language?

Its a hate crime.

Any teacher, any human worth their salt will thank you for bringing this to their attention so they can deal with it.

YouTheCat · 02/07/2014 23:12

An initiative about learning disabilities is rubbish tbh. These kids need a good bollocking and telling it is no more acceptable than using racist language.

And a couple of the attitudes on this thread are why our kids end up having to put up with this shit.

AgaPanthers · 02/07/2014 23:23

Lots of the boys at my DS' school say 'retarded'. DS has picked it up too; I think it's vile, what do you think should be done?

shouldbeelsewhere · 02/07/2014 23:24

Retarded is considered to be ableist hate speech and needs to be dealt with to the highest level possible. www.r-word.org is a campaign against it and they have some great videos and other resources including this one:

AgaPanthers · 02/07/2014 23:26

Is there a British version of that?

Ionacat · 02/07/2014 23:33

Using either of those words in my last school towards another student resulted in an inclusion, parents phoned and an apology to the student. (It was a rare occurrence.)

Phone the school but if your DS doesn't want you to phone, then speak to the PE teacher/form tutor etc and say that this is going on and DS doesn't want you to phone, please don't tell him I called etc. and then ask teachers to keep an ear out and catch those pupils in the act. Have done that several times as a form tutor and it worked beautifully said pupils got caught either by myself or another member of staff. It is quite usual in secondary for teachers to get calls from concerned parents and ask us not to mention to their DD/DS that they rang.

AgaPanthers · 02/07/2014 23:39

which words? downie and retarded?

Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 00:22

AuditAngel you're fucking kidding. Hang your head in shame.

"I wouldn't mind "Downie" if he had Downs, but you don't include it in your description so I assume he doesn't."

I have no idea or interest if you have a disability, but you're clearly a dickhead.

SaggyAndLucy · 03/07/2014 04:18

MY baby DD has Downs and I can assure you now that I will be personally decapitating anyone who I catch calling her 'Downie' or 'Retard'.
Not acceptable EVER! Angry

MushroomSoup · 03/07/2014 07:26

I would phone senior management, not just the PE teacher. If language like this is being used in school, you need to go to the 'top' rather than getting one PE teacher to sort it in HIS lessons.

This has the added bonus for your son that you are not a moany mum helping her boy, but an adult trying to change something for the benefit of all kids.

LoonvanBoon · 03/07/2014 09:31

This is horrible. Sadly it does seem that "retard" at least is still being used quite commonly as a term of abuse.

My sons are in Y6 & there's a group of boys - who used to be lovely when they were younger Sad - who are regularly calling anyone they deem not good enough at football retards or retarded. My boys have been on the receiving end of it too. It happens out of earshot of teachers, of course.

I'm also wondering where these kids are picking up words like this. Only one of the group has an older sibling. Surely it's not coming from parents?

blueballoon79 · 03/07/2014 09:45

"LoonvanBoon" I'm sad to say it probably is coming from the parents. I have removed a lot of adults from my Facebook friends list recently because of their use of the words "retarded", "Spacker", "spazzing out" etc.
These were people I went to school with and clearly haven't really grown up.
Op, absolutley complain and go straight to the head. This language is vile and unacceptable. The school have a duty to prevent it.
I agree with others that it's people not teaching their children tolerance and empathy that leads to disabled children like mine experiencing some of the most vile insults imaginable.
My DS has been bullied relentlessly for his disability. He has been asked if I wipe his bum for him, told he's a spastic, a retard. He's been told he should kill himself as he's a waste of space. He's had them mimicking his walking style.
The bullying is sorted now, but it shouldn't have even happened.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 03/07/2014 09:48

Of course it's coming from parents. Ignorant, nasty parents that probably bullied other kids when they were younger.

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela · 03/07/2014 10:30

Surely the school are doing a massive disservice to all of their pupils if they let them leave thinking that using these words are in any way o.k.

An 'initiative' is a weak way to deal with this imo.

Sadly though I think the word retard is having a bit of a come back, I didn't hear it used for a few years and I'm hearing it again now, quite often in American comedy films.

One way that I have used in the past to explain why using words like retard etc is so stupid is by telling people that if in the future they were hit by a car and lived, they too might be disabled...would they like people to point, stare and call them names?