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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about this situation involving friend? (long sorry)

34 replies

PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 18:31

Before I start I'm well aware this sound like something off Jeremy Kyle. I can't actually believe this is my life right now.

At the end of last year, me and my husband separated, my DH had a nervous breakdown and ended up sleeping with someone else. He was honest with me about it, but the person was someone who I considered a friend and I found out after she deliberately tried to cause problems between us as she wanted my DH for herself.

Not taking blame away from my DH, but we're working through our problems and things are actually pretty good now.

Anyway, the "other woman" has been involved in quite a few slanging matches with my hot-headed friend. It was over 8 months ago now, I just want to forget about it and move on. I ignore her if I see her and she ignores me, I'm quite happy with that. However, despite me telling her to leave it, my friend and her always fling torrents of abuse at each other, threats of violence etc, I don't want any of that, I'd even started distancing myself from my friend because of it.

A couple of days ago, they ended up having a violent altercation. Someone else got involved and my friend ended up with a black eye and a few cuts and bruises. I wasn't there, but she phoned me saying she wanted to go to the house and cause more trouble. I said I can't do that, and she hung up on me.

I was really worried about her as she said she'd been hurt, but I wasn't able to drop everything and go running down the road into World War 3. While I'm trying to think of what to do, I message a mutual friend who lives really close and tell her to make sure my friend and her kids were OK.

I message her as well asking if she's alright.

The instant she gets off the phone she goes on Facebook basically completely flaming me, making out it was my fault she got beaten up and I didn't care when it happened. Then all night I kept seeing posts saying that it wasn't "her fight", the beating was meant for me etc. I'd left it alone for MONTHS! I'd asked her to do the same. I was gutted she'd been hurt but now she was basically telling everyone we knew it was my fault because I didn't go running straight down there. I suffer from deep seated anxiety and panic attacks, I'd spent all afternoon comforting my Dad as we've recently lost my Mum, and instead of actually talking to me, she just basically cunted me off all over Facebook!

I was feeling really bad about what happened and was trying to sort it so I could go round there and see if she was alright, but then I go on Facebook and see all that and part of me thinks "Do you know what...Fuck you!" I didn't say that. I've been nothing but apologetic and she's just being horrible to be honest. I understand she's upset and hurt and angry...I would have forgiven it if it was just in the heat of the moment, but it carried on to the next day.

Since all this happened (a couple of days ago), I've messaged her trying to explain why I didn't get down to see her and that I was upset she'd flamed me without even talking to me. She has said some horrible things I won't go into.

Am I being Unreasonable in being pissed off and just not wanting anything to do with her any more? I'm really upset that she's been hurt but she's been nothing but a bitch to me since, when I've done nothing to provoke the situation and she had literally called her out every time she's seen her and told her "Come on then, come for me!" etc. I'm really not saying she deserved to be assaulted, please don't think that, but I'm just done with all this drama. I just want to move on from it all and leave it in the past. She kept carrying it on, against my wishes, and then blames me when it blows up in her face.

That last bit might make me sound like a bitch, I love her to bits, she's one of my best friends, but the things she's been saying to me, and ABOUT me to all of my friends are really unfair and cruel. Everyone basically thinks I dragged her into a situation and when she got hurt I abandoned her...but that's just not true. Lots of our friends are being funny with me and she's not even telling them the whole story just the bits that make me look bad.

Sorry, this is really long and convoluted, if anyone has made it to the end, I salute you! I'm feeling like I'm being Unreasonable in that she's been hurt and I should be more sympathetic, but she's made it really hard after everything she's said.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2014 18:35

With friends like that who needs enemies!

A good friend would have listened to what you wanted and followed your wishes even if they thought you were wrong. They might have told you they disagreed with you to your face but they still should have respected your wishes.

Does this friend bring anything positive to your life at all?

flamingoland · 02/07/2014 18:35

Your 'friend' is someone who thrives on drama and is choosing her own battles using you as an excuse. If she had 'won' the fight, chances are she wouldn't be angry with you. In all honesty you need to start looking carefully at your friendships- the two examples you have given there are far from friends.

sewingandcakes · 02/07/2014 18:38

She's not a friend if she behaves like that and ignores your wishes. Unfriend her both on Facebook and RL.

Canus · 02/07/2014 18:39

You must be mad.

I can say hand on heart, that if I ever encountered a grown adult who got into physical fights, I'd be running a mile - not counting them amongst my friends, and enquiring after their welfare.

Drop the drama loving thug, and walk clean away would be my advice.

Hassled · 02/07/2014 18:45

Yeah - what every one else has said. I don't understand what she's thinking - is her life so dull that she has to pick fights on behalf of someone who doesn't even want a fight?

I think you should keep your head down and cool all contact. Maybe message some of the other friends explaining that you didn't ever intend for her to get involved in a brawl on her behalf, and that you'd made that very clear. And then move on - do what you can to make new friends.

Goldmandra · 02/07/2014 18:45

She isn't being your friend.

She enjoys drama and violence and is trying to use your situation as an excuse to get a fix.

Walk away quietly without a backward glance.

HappyYoni · 02/07/2014 18:45

I know it's not the point but I like your use of 'cunted me off' :)

Groovee · 02/07/2014 19:03

She sounds deluded. You and the other woman are moving on but she's nothing to do with it, kept sticking her mouth in it and when it backfired it's always someone else's fault!

Walk away and keep your head high!

KnackeredMuchly · 02/07/2014 19:23

Yy - walk away, quickly. Don't bother messaging her

Sandthorn · 02/07/2014 19:45

It's only this psycho-"friend" who makes your life sound Jeremy Kyle. Either she loves the drama, or she is seriously, obsessively unhinged. Just detach.

Deverethemuzzler · 02/07/2014 19:50

She is a drama llama who is using your misfortune to make her life more interesting.
She likes fighting. She has probably gone through her entire life having falling outs and rucks with people.
I bet she gets involved with people who are going through crap all the time.
Lurching from one bloody drama to another.

You don't need her.

Dump her.

You didn't ask her to fight for your honour. You don't owe her a thing.

Block her from FB.

MeeWhoo · 02/07/2014 19:54

YANBU, and if she keeps telling people it wasn't her fight, just reply and say "Exactly, and that's what I've been telling you for the past few months!!!"

DrewsWife · 02/07/2014 20:03

repeat after me..... not my monkey. not my zoo

step away from the crazy lady and reclaim your dignity

PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 20:10

LOL, thank-you so much, I really needed to hear that.

She is quite badly hurt and I was worried I was being harsh but I really want to tell her to fuck off.

She has belittled my achievements as they are battling hers for attention amongst our group.

After talking to my husband I am in agreement with you all. I really don't need her.

She does bring some positives. She helps out a lot with childcare, we do a swap at the weekends, we have her kids sunday, she has out DD Friday night. She will help us out with some dinner if we're skint...this is why people are turning on me. I'm getting the whole "She does so much for you..." bollocks.

She is convinced that beating was meant for me but me and the OW have walked past each other countless times. Sometimes when I was on my own and she had friends with her. She crosses the road to get away from me and I hold my head high as I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The last year has been so bloody awful. Marriage problems, separation, mental health issues of both me and my DH, non-communication between us (hence the separation), losing my Mum...and now this.

OP posts:
PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 20:12

Yes she has had a lot of fights. She's very hot-headed. I have managed to get to the ripe old age of 30 and I've never been in a fight...because I don't antagonise people! She seems to think I'm some sort of pussy because I wouldn't rush to her rescue.

(disclaimer: please don't think that I believe people only get assaulted if they antagonise people, I know some people are just unlucky. I've been lucky in that it's never happened to me).

OP posts:
PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 20:46

flamingoland - I just saw your post. I agree, I've had a pretty bad radar for friends recently.

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/07/2014 21:37

Don't know why you love her, she should respect your wishes to behave with dignity, she should be supportive of your recent loss also block her on facebook.. Why read all that crap and allow other friends to read it too?

Join/ start a coop baby sitting circle
Get new friends
Remember you are not alone with mental health / marriage issues or loss
Hugsx

Pumpkinpositive · 02/07/2014 21:48

Why on earth is your friend so invested in your OH and the OW?

Does she fancy your husband too?? Confused

Incidentally, I have never seen the word "cunt" used as a verb as you did in your OP. Is this the latest thing? Grin

Oldraver · 02/07/2014 22:24

Er, she's not the OW though is she ?

PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 22:33

Cunted comes from my foul mouthed south east London husband Grin

I'm definitely getting away from her, another development this evening. I have a good friend round tonight who is totally on my side and DOESN'T fancy my husband.

Crazy friend had a big chunk of money from her saving get taken a couple of weeks ago. Apparently she thinks I'm theif now. My friend was told by someone that was round there earlier. Yes I was in her house alone....looking after her daughter so she could go and do something. She has a big garden so we tended to babysit at hers. Even though until this falling out she wanted me to babysit tonight. I'm fucking fuming....call me a fucking thief, how dare she! And telling people so so they will think it!

OP posts:
PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 22:41

To be honest, I never got any weird vibes from her about DH, but he is her type. I think she would try it if she was single.

I kept telling her to leave it bit she said as she's getting abuse now, its personal between them and not to do with us anymore. But then when it comes on too she tells everyone its my fault.

The beating was meant for me she's been saying...even thought I see the other woman all the time and walk right past her with my head held high. I've nothing to be ashamed of. She sees me and crosses the road. It's been like that for 8 months.

Jesus do you know how good it is to get this all out! Mumsnet therapy!

OP posts:
PaintedLady2014 · 02/07/2014 23:52

I really am fuming...

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 03/07/2014 00:15

Don't bother doing anything. Forget about her and anyone who wants to believe what she's saying. They're just not worth bothering about or having in your life. Move on. Let her and the other woman get on with it, they both sound as bad as each other, and not people you want in your life.

PaintedLady2014 · 03/07/2014 00:45

You're totally right. I know I need to. I just to be honest felt bad for her getting her head kicked in. And she is damn good at playing the victim...even though she said I was because I couldn't get to her that day when I'd spent all day comforting ny grieving dad.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2014 01:24

I'm actually a bit sorry for the OW. If your 'friend' has such a track record of violent behaviour then she probably attacked the OW on some crazed vigilante mission of her own, and if she got hurt it serves her right. The trouble with people who base so much of their own identity on 'Look at me I'm a right fighty bastard' is that now and again they encounter someone who is either bigger than them or actually more aggressive.

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