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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not always want to look after this kid

54 replies

Claybury · 02/07/2014 14:15

I'm a SAHM and my DS (9) has a friend whose mum frequently asks me to have her son, after school , on a Sunday, while she is at work or entertaining clients. I may add they are a dual income family with more than plenty of cash, it's their decision to maintain two Hugh flying careers without formal child care. Additionally the child is quite lively and fairly hard work, unlike my DS who i find very easy to look after. I am constantly making excuses why we can't have him, but I feel she shouldn't ask.
I do have other friends who I help out more, who are more likely to reciprocate, or whose working situations I have more sympathy for.

OP posts:

CruCru · 02/07/2014 14:59

Out of interest, do you know if anyone else does her these favours?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2014 15:04

Boom t his woman keeps asking despite op saying no a few times, surely one would get the hint!

HazelBite · 02/07/2014 15:08

I would say
"you obviously have a problem with childcare as you keep asking me when I have told you that I'm not able to help you out, why don't you see if among your friends or aquaintances, there is someone who has a responsible teenaged son or daughter who would like the pocket money"

Hopefully it will get her to realise that you are not providing "free" childcare.

diddl · 02/07/2014 15:12

Do the boys like each other/play together?

If not just tell her that you are not interested in providing her with free childcare.
Or paid for that matter!

primarkprincess · 02/07/2014 15:15

People like her usually have a skin thicker than a rhino's and constantly ask for favours. As someone else has said, they rely on other peoples' good manners to make sure they get what they want.

I wouldn't make any further excuses but would simply not reply to any calls or texts from her. If she asks in person just say 'No, I can't do that'.

You will need to be firm, and she WILL take the hump big time and probably flounce off, but I think this would be the best thing as she doesn't sound like much of a friend.

IamRechargingthankYou · 02/07/2014 15:25

Hmm...you could try the 'understanding approach' without unnecessary 'childcare' debates and I suggest this only because the boys enjoy each others company, which might be why she keeps asking you. Perhaps you can suggest that - as she obviously keeps asking you because of this (true or not), that she might like to entertain your ds from time-to-time. Her response to this can help you decide which way to go on this.

autumnmum · 02/07/2014 15:34

I had a similar situation where I kept saying no, but she just kept asking. I ended up having to be far blunter than I would have really liked to have been, but the mum just didn't pick up on more subtle signals. I felt like a scum bag for about a week, but it worked. The mum now avoids me at school which I am sorry about but at least I am not having to fend her off all the time. You may just have to bite the bullet and say you really don't want to do this anymore.

offtoseethewizard64 · 02/07/2014 15:47

You say she got rid of the nanny as her youngest is now 9.
How old are the older siblings then - can't they look after their brother?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/07/2014 15:54

Just say that we keep Sunday as a family day and don't do playdates then.

Or "Yes - DS would love to see your son, what time should I drop him off at your house?"

GingerBlondecat · 02/07/2014 16:24

Is it possible the boy keeps asking his Mum to go to your home ?

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2014 17:34

Have you actually asked why she doesn't have formal childcare in place?

SaucyJack · 02/07/2014 17:40

Is there a parent at school who works as a paid childminders you can politely (but firmly) point her in the direction of?

missymayhemsmum · 02/07/2014 19:45

Is this coming from the child or the mum? If I have a random extra meeting my dd will have a right strop if she has to go to holiday club just because I'm embarrassed to ask her best friend's mum any more favours this week! I'd guess you are this 9 year old's first choice!
If you don't want to do it say no!

Rainbunny · 02/07/2014 20:23

Is it possible to just avoid her? To conveniently not notice that she called you or texted you etc... A bit cowardly maybe but she hasn't taken the hint yet. How does she get access to you to keep asking?

I wonder if they they can't afford childcare, you said they are well off but if they let their nanny go it could be a sign that they aren't doing as well as they may appear.

Original poster

Claybury · 03/07/2014 09:20

Thanks for the responses.
A few of us parents are taking the kids out for a picnic in a few days and she has said she is working but will be sending her child along and collecting him later.
I emailed her and said that was fine and we were happy to 'look after' her son, but until what time as I also have errands to do. In think she got the hint as she returned with a thank you.
I hate when people ask unreasonable favours because it is hard to be polite and decline, and I don't wish to sour the relationship ,since the boys are in the same class. I know it's not hard to look after an extra 9 year old and I do think I'm being petty, but I don't like to be tied down.

OP posts:

mimishimmi · 03/07/2014 09:48

The occasional genuine playdate on a Sunday afternoon? Ok, fair enough, but she should be hosting equally. I used to love going over to one particular childhood friends on a Sunday and she to mine. Using you as substitute childcare until she knocks off from work? That's not okay. She may be of the opinion that you'll be at home anyway but that's rarely the case what with various extracurricular stuff after school. I'm sure that's similar for most parents at home and they may have evening classes/work of their own to attend to too. Has she asked you to do holidays as well?

diddl · 03/07/2014 10:04

Of course you are not being petty.

Sending her son along to a picnic??

Er was he invited, do the other kids desperately want him there??

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/07/2014 10:12

You said in your OP that you keep saying "no". And yet she doesn't seem to have taken that in anyway badly (as she shouldn't). So why do you think keeping that up would sour the relationship?

If it's annoying you then tell her - polite but straight. Don't be cowardly about it. If you're not clear with her she can't just know by reading your mind, all these "subtle" signals you expect her to understand are probably a lot more mixed than you think.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2014 10:33

"They got rid of the nanny last year after 15 years, the youngest is now 9 so I guess they thought they could cope."
Well that gives you a conversational 'in' - how about something along the lines of "You seem to be struggling for childcare since stopping the nanny -have you thought about maybe a childminder/teenaged babysitter/au pair arrangement?"

This boy is their youngest - where are the older children, why can't they look after their little brother?

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela · 03/07/2014 10:35

When she asks again do you just say no? Or do you say 'you asked about that before, do you remember? I said we couldn't because we have plans?'

Do you remind her that she keeps asking over and over...it might help? If she doesn't get the hint you could start saying 'well, as I said last time you asked, we have plans on that day'.

Original poster

Claybury · 03/07/2014 10:36

Diddl- the other kids are happy for him to come but there have to be some parents there and when it's always the same parent ducking out and sending their kid it's hard not to to feel taken advantage of. Just because I don't work doesn't mean i have nothing better to do that watch kids in the park!
I do think child care is problematic as they get older as you can't so easily palm them off on a nanny, however that's not my problem, it's hers !
She would reciprocate but I don't need favours so much, DH and I are around most of the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Claybury · 03/07/2014 10:41

Whereyou- yes I would say that if it came to it, it's a fair point.
You can't always rely on your teenagers for child care, I certainly don't !

Whomoved - she will ask one week, and I'll say no with a valid excuse and she accepts that. Then a week later she'll ask again for something else ( she went to Wimbledon !) and so on. Most people after a few 'no's would get the HINT!! Just because I don't work doesn't mean I am always available as I have 3 busy kids !

OP posts:

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela · 03/07/2014 10:55

ah! But you already have 3, you won't notice 1 more! and if you have 3 of your own you must love children...and anyway, you have 3 DC's so you won't be having a life or doing anything will you!

...please excuse my own rant above, I get the impression that this is what some of my friends have thought in the past!

steppemum · 03/07/2014 11:21

I think you need to be clearer.

I am happy to have your ds over for a playdate, but I am not happy to be free babysitter when it suits you.

diddl · 03/07/2014 13:28

OP I agree with you.

But how has the picnic thing come about?

Is it school related?

If I was in her position I could imagine saying "Oh what a shame I can't bring son as I have to work & he would have loved it" in the hope that someone would offer.

But how come she says that she'll send her child along & noone says no??!!

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