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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that if they want to see us next month they can bloody well come here!

31 replies

FluffyPiggle · 02/07/2014 13:28

Me and dp live in the West Country, my parents live in Sussex. They have been to visit us twice in 18 months compared to about 10 times we've been there. Their main excuse is that the dog makes too much noise in the car?

I'm currently pregnant with dc1 and on Monday day we had to drive down to visit a dying relative. On the way down a large stone chipped my windscreen so badly I need a replacement. Along with the fuel it's cost me over £100

Mum is already making noise about us visiting more regularly when baby is born as she doesn't want to be a part time Granny when dp's family live near us.

It's her birthday in August, Wibu to text her and say they either come to us or we don't see them? I'm hormonal, grieving and now broke.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/07/2014 13:29

This is probably a conversation to have on the phone rather than text.

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 13:30

Are your parents retired or working? FT or PT?

I ask because this does make a little bit of a difference.

MirandaGoshawk · 02/07/2014 13:30

Would suggest that you don't text - ring & explain. In which case, YANBU. Just tell her your last sentence!

Can dog go into kennels for the visit?

KnackeredMuchly · 02/07/2014 13:32

Go for her birtjday and another 2/3 times a year and no more. Yanbu - I just wouldn't make her birthday the time to argue about it

Rubadubstylee · 02/07/2014 13:33

I get what you mean, I really do, but I think for her birthday it would be nice to go to her.

For other non-specific visits then YANBU.

(Just clarifying you wouldn't BU to ask her to come to you on her birthday if you can't face the travel and it would cost too much, but if you can go to her then it would be nice).

Agree with Gamer as well - phone not text. Less room for misinterpretation of tone etc that way.

tigermoll · 02/07/2014 13:34

I think you should definitely talk to your mother about this - but not via text, or when you're feeling emotional when you have so much other stuff on your plate.

You need to nip her expectations re the DC in the bud - there is NO WAY you will want to drive from W country to Sussex with a baby all that often. If she doesn't want to be 'part time' she's going to have to get her ass in gear to get down to see you.

Original poster
FluffyPiggle · 02/07/2014 13:34

Dad works full time, Mum part time. Usually we're ok at finding a mutual day for all of us and they're perfectly capable of affording to travel. Don't think they'd put the dog in a kennel but tbh you can block out the noise after a while (imo anyway)

I know I probably should ring but every conversation seems to turn into a bitch atm. 6 of 1 and half dozen of the other...

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 02/07/2014 13:34

Their main excuse is that the dog makes too much noise in the car?

and then :

Mum is already making noise about us visiting more regularly when baby is born
GrinGrinGrin

Oh boy! So your Mum really thinks it will be easier for you to pack a baby and all the stuff you need for a baby in to a car and drive regularly to Sussex and back than it will for them to travel with a dog? Or put it in kennels?

Jeez. YAVDNBU. You need to be clear with your Mum on this from the start.

Zucker · 02/07/2014 13:36

Do phone rather than text, less room for insult taking! Agree with tigermoll if she wants to see the new baby more it's up to her not you to make that happen.

DidoTheDodo · 02/07/2014 13:40

I think the picture changed for me when you said they both work. Working can be knackering and leave you little time (physical or emotional space) for anything else. (and I say this as a FT working granny)

The broken windscreen is a right pain, the dying relative is very sad, but neither of those two things has anything to do with your parents (I am assuming) so are only a problem from one party in the discussion.

Re-negotiate. Kindly!

Numanoid · 02/07/2014 13:42

YANBU - she is expecting a pregnant woman to make the long journey, because she doesn't want to listen to a noisy dog? In her shoes, I'd be trying to avoid you making long journeys as much as possible!

I also think you should call her though, and explain that they will need to visit you more, or at least an equal share of you -> them and them -> you.

For your mum's birthday, it might be an idea to suggest a day out (lunch, park, etc.) somewhere equidistant from both locations so everyone travels the same distance, more or less.

Stinkle · 02/07/2014 13:42

YANBU. We have this with my MiL.

She complains endlessly that she doesn't get to see us enough, yet never gets off her arse to make the effort to visit us.

We love a couple of hundred miles away, we visit every 6weeks/couple of months. In the 10 years we've lived here she's visited us twice. Yes, twice

Her and her Husband are both retired, in excellent health, well off and drive so last year when she started making a fuss about us not visiting for a couple of months DH told her that if she wanted to see us, she could get her arse down here.

AMumInScotland · 02/07/2014 13:43

Babies have been known to 'make a noise' in cars too...

Assuming your DP works full time, it doesn't sound like they have any particular need to be the ones who get to stay at home and be visited.

If she wants to be a regular part of the baby's life, then she needs to work out how to do that, she can't sit with her feet up and expect you to come to see her all the time.

Sicaq · 02/07/2014 13:49

I have similar - my (healthy, well-off, retired) father has visited me twice in 12 years. I go to him about 3 times each year, and each time I get snide remarks from his drinking buddies about children who don't visit often enough Angry

Unhelpful, sorry! But I feel your frustration.

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 13:50

It might be best to separate out the issues here OP.

It's not unreasonable for you to travel to see your mum on her birthday.

But it is also not unreasonable for your parents to start making more of an effort.

I think you should consider taking it in turns to visit, especially once baby is here. So go in August but then make it clear that the next visit will be their turn to drive down. If they choose not to, hold firm.

The dog situation needs to be sorted pretty quick. What are your views on the dog being around new baby? If you would prefer dog to go to kennels, it would be wise them starting that sooner rather than later.

Speak to them on the phone. Firm up arrangements for your mum's birthday and then leave the ball in their court.

RedToothBrush · 02/07/2014 13:51

Mum is already making noise about us visiting more regularly when baby is born as she doesn't want to be a part time Granny when dp's family live near us.

Since when is this all your responsibility? Surely she has some to ensure this doesn't happen.

Plus if she thinks dogs trump babies for difficult travelling companions, she needs a reality check.

Besides this, how long is the journey? Its not good for babies to be in a car seat for long periods of time.

DizzyKipper · 02/07/2014 13:52

If she wants to be a regular part of the baby's life, then she needs to work out how to do that, she can't sit with her feet up and expect you to come to see her all the time.

Exactly this! So she's decided she doesn't want to be PT but wants you to make up for that? 10 visits a year for that distance is already an extraordinary amount, you should be cutting back not considering doing more. Particularly if your baby ends up being the type that hates car journeys (DD was like that, even a 30min drive was horrendous!).

I think the picture changed for me when you said they both work. Working can be knackering and leave you little time (physical or emotional space) for anything else. (and I say this as a FT working granny)

Being a new mum on maternity leave is pretty knackering as well...

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 13:53

Oh and yes, if she's worried about being a part time granny, the onus is on her really.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 02/07/2014 13:54

It tends to be normal that people travel back to see their parents more than the parents travel to see them for some reason, but that doesn't mean it has to be that way. My ILs live 100 miles away, we go there about six times a year, roughly every other month and they come to us about twice. We're happy with that, it means we get to see all DH's siblings too while we're there (they all live near ILs). But I wouldn't want to do it any more often, and it sounds as though that's about the same frequency you are visiting at. Talk to them and say you'd love it if they came to you more often. Maybe your mum is thinking it will be easier for you to visit as you will be off work.

As regards the birthday, do you normally have a family gathering? Is it a special birthday? If so then it's reasonable for them to want you to go. If it's just a case of you seeing them why not invite them down as a few days away for a birthday treat?

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 02/07/2014 14:01

Assuming you won't have given birth by then, it's not unreasonable for you to travel to see her on her birthday.

But it's completely batshit ridiculous for her to expect you to increase the frequency of your visits once you have a baby. Point out to her that current advice is that a young baby shouldn't be in a carseat for more than two hours at a time...

DizzyKipper · 02/07/2014 14:08

What I find helpful is keeping in mind all the different family members and friends that you also want to visit, and who want to regularly see you, as well as ideally how often you'd like alone family time. Then think about how much time you and DP actually get every month and how consistent it is. From there you can start working out how many visits a month are actually realistic to fit in all these different people whilst still preserving family alone time. Plus you also have to think about what you actually want to do as well - some people want to see you more than you want to see them. It's hard coming up with a balance that's fair, and tbh a lot of people probably won't think it is - they'll only have a narrow view of how many times you see them, they won't be considering how much time you spend visiting everyone else as well.

Btw, how often do you see your inlaws?

maninawomansworld · 02/07/2014 14:19

Not unreasonable to go to them for her birthday but when the baby comes - sod that.

When the twins came last year we just said if anyone wants to see them they can come to us. I'm not carting the kids and all their associated paraphernalia all over the bloomin country.

Offler · 02/07/2014 15:03

My parents travel up every week to see my dc, that's an hour in the car each way. They are both retired though and we both work FT. We travel to them about 5 or 6 times a year.

StrangeGlue · 02/07/2014 15:10

10 visits a year is loads! My inlaws only live about 1.5hrs away and we see them about that often (they are v v active always away - it's not us being awkward).

As a child my gps lived 400 miles away and wouldn't travel so we saw them once a year.

She's making noise about not being a part time grandma: that's brill mum you know you're welcome here whenever you want.

The dog is noisy in the car: oh yes but nothing on a baby right? (With smiles)

On the birthday I might travel if your family are big on birthdays - mine aren't and would be non-plused if I did travel just for that - but after that you take turns and the gap is dictated by whether they'll travel.

Original poster
FluffyPiggle · 02/07/2014 17:17

It's a 2 hour drive in perfect traffic. If not (which is usually the case) can take about 3. My back is still hurting from Monday's journey to be honest.

DP and I both work full time at the moment. I think I'm just getting increasingly resentful that it's always us that have to fork out for petrol etc. They are the type of people who moan they're skint and then announce they've bought a new 3 piece suite.

The dog doesn't bother me in the slightest. He's lovely (springer spaniel) just very bouncy and lively :)

But thanks for the feedback everyone, think I'll give her a call later and go over things again

OP posts:
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