Being precious about childproofing

[LondonBetti]

My elderly parents have no concept of child proofing which would be ok if they weren't incredibly careless / unaware of danger. Bleach, cleaning stuff is stored in cupboards at child level but also in used soda bottles thrown around. Nails, knives etc are in open pots, all the blind cords are looped. Worst of all, my DS has picked pills off the floor a couple of times.

Visiting with two young DC is a complete head-wreck but our only option to see my parents as they live far away and are not well enough to travel to us. I bring child locks but for some things can do nothing e.g. asked DM to cut the blind cords who said that she wouldn't come into my house changing things so we shouldn't expect them to change. They genuinely doesn't see the danger and can be really defensive - basically they thinks I'm a super precious pita.

How bad would it be to put my worries first and not to visit anymore? My parents will be gutted as they adore the DC and won't see them otherwise. Also likely fallout with my (childless) DBs and extended family. I just can't see any other way around this ...

My stepdad keeps his many medications in a drawer at perfect toddler height... I just learned to keep a close eye on DS for the two weeks a year we visit them...

I know that my own house is child friendly, which means that I can wash the dishes, hang out washing etc without too much worry, but I don't let them wander round alone when I'm visiting others...

My sister insisted that my mum put locks on her kitchen cupboards when her kids were little. As I never bothered with my own cupboards, DS quickly learned not open cupboards, meaning that he didn't try when at my mum's. The washing machine is a whole other question though, he loves turning my mum's one on, as ours has a really good child lock to scupper him!

I can see your concern, especially in soda bottles but if dc are small you naturally have to keep constant watch anyway, especially in other peoples houses so that they don't break their stuff like they do at home. I child proofed everything with my first and didn't with my second ( aside from the exception of a stair gate on bedroom to stop him wandering downstairs on his own during the night. Honestly it made no difference. I would just keep an eye while there and if you need to nip out of the room just ask someone else to keep an eye out.

Who the fuck wants to hover over a child constantly saying "no" anyway? "No DS, sharp; no DS not, no DS danger, no put that down, no DONT touch that" ffs! That's going to stress both you and the child out. Some children sit and play with a box of toys, fine. Both of mine climb and put everything in their mouths. I've had to move sofas into the middle of the room because one day I came in from the kitchen to DD giggling and saying "brother gone out mummy". I looked everywhere and couldn't find him, starting to panic when I heard him giggle. There he was sitting on a table OUTSIDE. He had climbed (at 1yo) onto the sofa, onto the radiator onto the window sill, OUT the window and was sitting on the garden table next to the window. He did that in the 30 seconds it took me to carry some cups into the kitchen and dump them in the sink.

I helicopter, I move things in people's homes that are dangerous and if they kick a fuss I don't visit. I know my children and how I can best keep them safe.

Agreed shadows it's really frustrating but I wouldn't be comfortable moving everything. Things like scissors fine but not ornaments or anything.

I'm quite clever about it Opininated. When we visit my parents they have hundreds of bowls of arty twigs at floor level, ornaments etc. I usually say straight off "shall we move these, we don't want then to get broken" "oh no" says DM "I will keep an eye on the DC". It takes me loud parenting Dd for a minute max before DM comes swooping in and runs round scooping all breakables into a box. All I ever say is (very loudly) "DS don't put that pretty cat up your nose, is it a bit stuck, ok snort DS, like its a big bogey. WELL DONE, now let's wipe the snot off the pretty cat" obv the cat wasn't really stuck, but it means less family fallings out than breezing in and rearranging their living room!

Lol shadows I like your style, I should take a leaf out of your book

" at the wrinklies' house"

Nice.

I love it that it's ok with some people to show such casual ageism. Now replace that word with the near-rhyming, insulting one for Chinese people and let's see if that goes unremarked, shall we?

"your parents probably belong to generation when children were expected just not to touch other peoples stuff"

Fortunately not all respect and responsibility has gone by the wayside as the generations pass - I hold that view and so do my own DC. I don't suppose I'm anywhere near the age of the OP's parents and my DC certainly aren't!

I wouldn't feel very hospitable towards children who aren't expected not to touch my stuff.

So, to the OP. Vigilance is the way forward, manners, remember it's their home not yours and you can only change your behaviour (teaching no, 'helicoptering', not visiting, what have you), you can't change someone else's. If your DC are/is small a travel playpen might be invaluable.

Helicoptering is exhausting for all concerned. With one child you can take turns, with two you're both on duty and with three you're stuffed.
As for "understanding the meaning of no" well fair enough but if you're in an homage to crystal ornaments and Lladro, that means expecting them to sit still and not touch anything. And that's setting them up to fail.

I had three boys in 2 years and refused point blank to visit relatives with ornaments and would instead meet them at the park/pub with play area. It was easily an excellent decision for all concerned. They're 5,4,4 now and I've just turned down an invite to a BBQ in a teeny house and garden with loads of sharp artworks and nothing for them to do. The host will get over it.

blind cords are simple to make safe. Take a few clothes pegs with you. In any room where a child is left unattended (e.g. for a nap) fold up the blind cord and peg it together well out of reach. The danger is real but this removes it, without cutting cords which you can't do in someone else's house.

it is only the sleeping/nap room that needs to be fully proofed. For the rest, you supervise on a visit.

I also think your parents need some help. Why are pills on the floor and not down throats? Why is bleach being put in other bottles?

"I also think your parents need some help"

Hallelujah. There's been a lot of talk of the welfare of DC from real or imagined, preventable or otherwise danger but until Tigerbike , noone has asked about the welfare of the OP's parents (and ditto the parents of the PP with dementia).

It does sound like they need some help. It may be that they just aren't up to dealing with young children in their home. They may be worrying constantly about the danger from what they perceive to be your failure to adequately supervise your children.

Look at it as a reverse AIBU - "AIBU to worry about how little my DD does to supervise her child? I'm not so young now. My DD visits with her small DC. It's been years since we had DC ourselves so we now have lots of ornaments on display, can leave the knife rack on the kitchen side etc etc - but my DD doesn't seem to recognise her responsibility to watch over her DC. She won't tell him not to touch or move him and it's exhausting having them to visit because of it."

Food for thought, yes?

Hooby, actually I spend a lot of time trying to make my parents accept more help, and helping them myself. I visit without ds (noting the fact I work ft as does dh and live 80 miles from them so this isn't easy), but they like to see ds and cannot travel at all now, so we have to go to their house.

I don't doubt that you do, CMOT. It was the reaction of other posters to these situations which I was questioning, not your handling of your own. :)

not saying 'OP, you need to help your parents more' but that they clearly have some problems. How you get them to see this can be the difficult bit!

Who the fuck wants to hover over a child constantly saying "no" anyway?
When my daughter was a toddler she took babyproofing as a personal challenge. All it took was one instance of her getting into an allegedly 'babyproof' drawer at my in-laws house while my back was turned and eating rat poison apparently it's not as deadly as you've been led to believefor me to decide that hovering was the preferred option.

strikethrough fail

We do teach no! We just childproof as well. There is a period when you are actively socialising your child into acceptable behavior but they are not yet reliably behaving. That is why I did some basic childproofing in my parents home, so I could relax a little bit and not hover around constantly, trying to stop them tripping into the open fire.

I had one very biddable child who just sort of SAT there and never investigated her surroundings if told no, if she had been my only child I may have fallen into the trap of thinking no was enough.

We are all different. Some adults like paragliding and potholing. Some adults like stamp collecting. Some children like opening cupboard doors. Some children aren't that bothered. Sometimes the answer is to say no. Sometimes the answer is to remove access.

You can of course spend 2 hours or 2 weeks glued to your child's side, constantly restraining them. It's just not much fun. You'd be better off skyping.

Not exactly a pleasant, relaxing visit if you have to follow your children round saying "NO" constantly.

I would stay in a local hotel and meet them in public places tbh.

The OP is presenting her challenge and we are responding to it, but yes I guess we could have also asked how much support her parents are getting, as they may well need help.

I think with that alternative point of view most people would say put your fragile precious things out of reach/ your dangerous things away. Why wouldn't you? Completely avoidable accidents are best made impossible, and removing the hazard is much more effective than constant hovering. Plus parents who are stressed plus children who are always being told 'no' are likely to be pretty poor guests.

You are not being precious, no.

I took both DSs back to the UK this Easter just gone, to my Dad's house. It has no baby-safety features now, and for DS2, this was going to be Challenging. DS1 was very good at stopping when you told him, DS2 far less so. I warned Dad, I said that it would be a good idea for him to move breakables out of Ds2's reach because better safe than sorry (he has a LOT of small breakable stuff ). His first response? "We'll see. He'll have to learn"
Within a day of us being there, he'd moved everything he cared about. DS2 is a very different child to DS1!

Constant vigilance on a 3w stay is pretty wearing, I was shattered by the end of the 2nd week, to the point that even my Dad could see it! (Not the most observant of men!)

Blind cords - gah, why are people so insistent that they won't tie them up?! I don't know how many times you have news stories of babies/toddlers/small children strangling themselves in the UK, but it happens quite regularly here in Australia (lots more blinds in houses, probably). Just tie them up! They're fun to play with for little children and it's all too easy to get wrapped up in them; and it takes a lot less time for them to be strangled than for an adult. :(

Off topic but one of first safety rules I learnt in a chemistry lab was NEVER to decant hazardous chemicals into unlabelled bottles especially those normally used for non-hazardous stuff. The risk of someone picking it up & assuming it was the product originally in the bottle is just too great. Who checks the label before they drink some bottled water for instance.

On topic I remember telling my mother on visiting the first time my ds's were mobile was that we would be leaving unless she let us move stuff within easy reach. I had had enough after just thirty minutes of saying no, no, don't touch, DON'T TOUCH!

It's strange though how everybody worries about different things. Our house fronts onto a busy road and every time she visited us for the first five years of their life she asked if we would gate off the drive. Luckily, despite them having a innate desire to touch everything within sight they were not runners so was no a problem for us.