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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to be embarrassed but to refuse to give in

82 replies

Primadonnagirl · 01/07/2014 18:15

Change some details to protect the innocent but basically big family party this weekend to celebrate in laws anniversary. We offered to go halves with them mainly as a present but also cos we knew they couldn't afford the whole cost themselves. Since then we've had a financial setback but we ere determined not to tell them and we have managed to be able to afford it..just.
A couple of days ago though his parents announced they have changed some of the arrangements.Normally I'd say their party, fine...but one of the changes is that they will only be serving 5 bottles of wine at dinner..for a party of 35 people!! Now we hadn't planned a free bar but we did want to give everyone a glass of wine with the meal. I also appreciate it will hardly be a riotous drinking affair ( both quite elderly now) but nevertheless I think this is stingy.
Husbands view is tough .. Their decision let them sort it out. I'm inclined to agree but I know I will feel mortified..plus we will end up getting extra and do we pay for that on top of our drinks on the day or do we say " you made the decision so you pay for the shortfall"..
All views appreciated ..but I can't believe that 5 bottles is going to be enough!

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 02/07/2014 00:19

I think you're better off not serving any wine at all than serving a tiny glass of wine. Guests can then order whatever they prefer to drink.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/07/2014 08:32

It does sound a bit stingy and a toast would probably have been a more elegant way to provide only a small glass. But it is their party and they are their guests. Could you get the hotel to pour the glasses and put them on the table so people don't over pour and leave someone without?

I disagree that you have to provide a third of a bottle per person. A small (125 ml) glass of wine with a meal isn't a terrible offering - it used to be the standard size! But people will pour more if they don't realize how limited it is. 5 bottles for 35 people doesn't give you quite that, but it's not far off.

Also some dodgy numbers floating around on this thread. A standard bottle of wine is 750ml, not 700ml. And 6 x5 = 30, not 35.

Joysmum · 02/07/2014 08:51

I'm sure there are lots of people who will not have even one glass of wine if they are driving.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/07/2014 08:58

How many tables? A bottle per table, plus water, then they get their own. Not generous but ok.

angelos02 · 02/07/2014 09:10

5 bottles for 35 people is ridiculous. I'd work on an average of at least half a bottle per person.

Birdsgottafly · 02/07/2014 09:20

It's going to be massively embarrassing and put a dampener on the meal.

I don't understand why they have swapped to three courses, because "it's the done thing", yet aren't providing a Toast, or Welcome drink, which is usually at least one 125ml per person, 50% white, 30% pink and 20% red, so there is something for everyone.

But really, you should know everyone well enough to know what they would drink. We go with mainly pink.

That would be 6 bottles.

Then there would be jugs of water on the table and any family close enough to come together for a meal, would get a kitty on the go for drinks, or sub groups would, at least.

Littlef00t · 02/07/2014 09:31

Such a shame to be paying so much for a lovely day and then scrimping on something that is so obvious. How much would 5 bottles of white cost at the hotel?

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 02/07/2014 18:35

Hello .Back again.Just to clarify a few things..it's not that I can't afford to buy extra wine I just feel we shouldn't have to when we had already agreed a budget.The fact that they gave changes what it has to cover is the problem. Also I appreciate so,e guests won't want wine. But you can hardly ask that uo front can you..and leave the non wine drinkers without a drink? We will be relying on waiters to pour the wine so that should be Ok but still people are going to have a small amount or ask if they can have white..to which the answer will be no! It's spoilt the whole thing for me and I really resent paying so much now

OP posts:
cece · 02/07/2014 18:49

I still remember my friends wedding 20 years after the event. No wine with the meal but there were sugared almonds Hmm

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2014 19:24

Do you prefer white wine, if so could you offer to buy a bottle or two of white because you prefer it?

SueDoku · 02/07/2014 19:35

I'd go with the pp suggestion of asking your children to chip in by ordering a bottle of white each - if I was coming I'd have to buy my own, as I'm allergic to red wine -- I come up in big red itchy blotches if I drink any Shock but I would want a glass of wine with my meal Grin

maddening · 02/07/2014 19:38

Could you do a glass of sparkling wine per person rather than bottles - have the free drink for the toast - or even ask would the hotel let you buy your own and pay corkage ?

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 02/07/2014 19:42

I have already budgeted for additional expenditure eg other drinks for me DH and kids, taxi fares etc. so to stump up for extra bottles is a bit much I think.As uncomfortable as it may be if there's any problems I feel I have to say " Sort it out with the oh so wonderful catering manager" and refuse to pay...we weren't consulted on spending on a third course so I don't see why I should pay a penny more.

OP posts:
Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 00:14

Oh well. You're going to look bad. Is digging in your heels worth it?

ToffeeMoon · 03/07/2014 00:39

What do you want OP? Posters have given you dozens of helpful suggestions and all you say is "I shouldn't have to." Either you want to be embarrassed or you don't.

A friend of mine always takes cash with her when eating out with her quite wealthy parents. They will gladly spend a couple of hundred quid on a meal with their family but when it comes to tipping, they are old-fashioned and don't buy into the 12.5 per cent thing. They leave a couple of pounds for the waiter. My friend tops it up when they're not looking.

It's the same thing.

KoalaDownUnder · 03/07/2014 04:41

I don't drink red wine, but love a glass of white. I'd be completely confused and disappointed by this setup, and I know many people the same. I'd have no problem with paying for my own alcohol, but it would be really weird if there was some wine, but not enough and only red?

OP, your choice is either to pay for more wine (regardless of whether you 'should' have to), or be embarrassed and have uncomfortable guests.

I'd just pay up. Once the money is gone, you'll forget it, but you won't forget the awkwardness.

Original poster
Primadonnagirl · 03/07/2014 08:05

Toffee I do appreciate the advice...I was looking for people's thoughts on whether I was right in thinking it was an odd thing to do.Im not really the one who is digging my heels in..It's DH who is refusing to try to persuade them to think again and/ or pay more...My point was I feel I have no choice but to stand by his decision.That's why I was saying the suggestions people were making about " just buy extra" etc. didn't really fit with the scenario I'm in

OP posts:
MissDuke · 03/07/2014 08:53

You would be embarrassed in front of your own grown up children? I don't really understand that. Surely these people will just enjoy the occasion, and assume they are buying their own alcohol? I would be very disappointed if my grown up children did anything other than buy more wine for their table, no need for embarrassment. As previously mentioned, just explain to your children what is going on. I know you feel you should have a say as you contributed financially, but surely it is still their party to plan as they wish?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 03/07/2014 08:57

I think it would be less weird to offer no wine

hackmum · 03/07/2014 09:01

I tend to agree with Rainbunny that no wine is better than too little wine. You'd just have to say everyone buys their own drinks at the bar, and that's it. But how mortifying to have only five bottles of wine and see it run out.

You have to buy some extra bottles of wine if you want to avoid that scenario. Why is your DH refusing? Can he be talked around?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/07/2014 09:04

The trouble is to offer a decent amont you'd need at least a bottle between 3, ideally between 2. So more like 12-17 bottles. 5 is so far off that it's hardly worth offering any

thegreylady · 03/07/2014 09:06

Just pay for two more bottles and forget it. You will easily get 5 glasses out of a bottle and can relax then.
We had a dinner party for six on Monday. Four bottles of wine were drunk easily (one was fizzy) and there was port/brandy etc afterwards.
5 is just not enough. Quietly arrange the other two bottles yourself.

PeppermintInfusion · 03/07/2014 09:10

At my wedding last year the caterer said the guide was half a bottle per person (hotels probably won't be using small wine glasses either) two thirds white, the rest red. This accounts for big drinkers and the non drinkers and balances out.

I wouldn't go to a sit down meal and expect all my drinks provided, but probably enough to cover dinner- so a glass per course.

ToffeeMoon · 03/07/2014 10:53

Could you invite Jesus? He's helpful when the wine runs out.

BeanyIsPregnant · 03/07/2014 12:21

toffee that's really really made my day, pahahahah!

If I were you op I would be asking everyone I felt comfortable enough to, to buy their own drinks leaving the 'free' drinks for those who may be expecting more than a thimble full..
Equally, I wouldn't be too impressed with pils changing the plan without consulting you if your paying a chunk? That might be another thing to Pursue, or just make sure you don't do 'joint' things again, far too stressful!!