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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To slip my colleague some money secretly

70 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 18:08

A woman I work with has confided in me that she has split up with her husband, he has left and she is packing in preparation for moving out (it's his house- she is not on deeds. I know) Anyway, the issue is that she is currently training and not receiving a salary- her husband was supporting her until she starts being paid, which isn't until September, but of course this won't continue and she is really worried about having no money at all coming in until then. She can't get a job until at least the last week of July and in any case, it would be difficult to find a temporary job.

I don't have much spare myself but would really like to lend/give her some money to tide her over. I know that she eould never accept it if I offered though. WIBU to pop some money in an envelope and put it anonymously in her desk drawer? Or is this a terrible idea? I just can't imagine what she's going through and this is the only way I can think of to help.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 02/07/2014 07:10

Just put it in her desk marked with her name then forget about it.

You are lovely and she might guess it was you but she will never know or feel obliged to ask if you are careful to make it very anonymous.

littlewhitebag · 02/07/2014 07:14

Buy vouchers for her local supermarket and offer them to her? You can tell her you won them in a raffle and won't miss them and she could probably use them more

PorkPieandPickle · 02/07/2014 07:23

Definitely anonymous.

MaidOfStars · 02/07/2014 07:29

Buy vouchers for her local supermarket and offer them to her? You can tell her you won them in a raffle and won't miss them and she could probably use them more

This. I really dislike the anonymity thing. It seems, um, patronising?

Goldmandra · 02/07/2014 07:45

I don't get how anonymity is patronising. It's just a way to allow someone to accept a gift without having to worry about strings being attached.

mrsnec · 02/07/2014 07:47

Just wanted to say I agree with littlewhitebag and madeofstars too. That is a really good idea. And in the circumstances the option I would prefer. I am the kind of person that always accepts help but find sometimes people want to be too involved or are patronising this option avoids both those things. Having said that if I was the one helping I'd like to be seen as generous but not ott so it's the perfect solution.

DaddyBeer · 02/07/2014 07:51

I would second anonymous. She may guess it's you anyway, but not ask.

From what you've said, the most important thing is that the money ends up in her purse and not handed back. If it's anonymous, who can she hand it to?

For free initial legal advice, which you could seek on behalf of your friend, call Purple Legal. I do not work for them, but have a good friend (and excellent solicitor) who works in their family dept.

MaidOfStars · 02/07/2014 09:09

I don't get how anonymity is patronising
Hence the ? I'm not sure 'patronising' is the right word, I agree. It was the closest I could get. Maybe I feel it could make the recipient feel like a 'charity case'.

It's just a way to allow someone to accept a gift without having to worry about strings being attached
For me, I'd hope to be able to get this message across in person, with tact and grace.

CocktailQueen · 02/07/2014 09:11

She needs to get some legal advice and claim for what she is entitled to! Don't let her h walk away with it all.

could you store stuff for her? get the names of some lawyers? offer to go along with her?

justmyview · 02/07/2014 09:13

I wouldn't really like the secrecy of it, if I were the recipient. £50 is generous, but perhaps just within the boundaries where you could give M&S vouchers "I know you're having a tough time, please go and treat yourself" ?

justmyview · 02/07/2014 09:13

wouldnt' like the secrecy of an anonymous gift

Goldmandra · 02/07/2014 10:19

For me, I'd hope to be able to get this message across in person, with tact and grace

It doesn't matter how tactful or graceful you are, if the recipient knows who you are, they will feel that a debt is owed, whether it be financial, in kind or of gratitude and it will subtly change the dynamics of the relationship.

If the gift is anonymous, there is no firm link back to the donor and a very clear message that no debt of any sort is owed.

The mixture of responses on the thread indicates how differently people would feel if they were the recipient but I think, for the OP's purposes, anonymity is most likely to have the best outcome.

Kendodd · 02/07/2014 10:20

She should call Shelter for free housing advice.

If she moves out where is she going to go anyway?

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 02/07/2014 10:32

I would stick it in an envelope and give it to her personally and say something along the lines of : go and treat yourself or spend it on whatever you need. It is a gift and I don't want it paid back. If you need any help finding solicitors etc please just ask.
She will probably just be glad to have such a caring friend and when she is back on her feet she can always pass on a good deed (financial or otherwise) to somebody else in need of a little help.

KurriKurri · 02/07/2014 10:38

Many lawyers offer a free advice session (I got one when my husband left me) in our town there is also a free legal advice centre that deals with different types of problems on various days of the week (so she'd need matrimonial) - citizens advice will point her in the right direction and will also give her advice abo0ut anybenefits she;s entitled to - housing etc.

She should write a list of questions she wants answered so that she gets everything she needs out of her free lawyer sessions.

It really is worth arming yoruself with all the advice available - she may well have rights she is not aware of.

I would not have taken money from a friend, - but I would have very much appreciated and been touched by the offer. You are very kind

Original poster

PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/07/2014 17:26

Well, I slipped the money into her bag in an envelope. Unfortunately she immediately knew it was me and asked me directly (although via email). We had an email exchange about it which culminated in her accepting the money- she was obviously grateful for it and we are close enough for it not to be awkward.
I'm pleased I did it but have told her I will be forced to kill her if she mentions it ever again!
:)

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/07/2014 17:30

I think you've done a very kind thing.

You now need to do another one. Do not let her move out of that house until she sees a solicitor. While she may not be entitled to much, she'll be entitled to something if she's contributed financially. If she leaves, she loses all her bargaining power.

Original poster

PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/07/2014 17:34

I found out more about the house today. Apparently it is her husband's family home and neither of them have been paying to live there (owned outright by his family I think) and so she has no rights over it at all :(

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/07/2014 18:19

Goodness that doesn't sound good.

Original poster

PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/07/2014 18:21

I know :( she is going to stay with another colleague basically for the whole summer and then get a place of her own once she starts getting paid. I was thinking I might post her some more money after I next get paid.

OP posts:

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