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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To slip my colleague some money secretly

70 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 18:08

A woman I work with has confided in me that she has split up with her husband, he has left and she is packing in preparation for moving out (it's his house- she is not on deeds. I know) Anyway, the issue is that she is currently training and not receiving a salary- her husband was supporting her until she starts being paid, which isn't until September, but of course this won't continue and she is really worried about having no money at all coming in until then. She can't get a job until at least the last week of July and in any case, it would be difficult to find a temporary job.

I don't have much spare myself but would really like to lend/give her some money to tide her over. I know that she eould never accept it if I offered though. WIBU to pop some money in an envelope and put it anonymously in her desk drawer? Or is this a terrible idea? I just can't imagine what she's going through and this is the only way I can think of to help.

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deakymom · 01/07/2014 22:38

put her name on it with "just in case" written below as long as you can afford to make it a gift i really wouldn't try and lend money to her it looks like she wont be able to pay it back anytime soon

justmyview · 01/07/2014 22:39

I think an anonymous gift is a kind thought but perhaps not the best way to help. She'd be looking around everyone wondering who it was & it might be construed as patronising. I think there's a risk of causing offence somehow. I think that practical advice eg offering to store her stuff in your garage might be more appropriate

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 22:39

I don't want to hand write anything as she knows my writing, but 'just in case' would be a good message, thanks.

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PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 22:41

You may be right justinview but sadly my own circumstances mean that there are limits to the amount of practical help I can offer- I don't really want to go into it further but I can't really have her to stay, or her things, much as I would like to.

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steppemum · 01/07/2014 22:43

tbh, whatever other help you give, I think some good hard cash is a pretty amazing gift in these circumstances.

I would gift it anonymously. Make sure it is marked in a way that is clear it is a gift for her, so she isn't worrying about whose money it is and where it came from.

littlejohnnydory · 01/07/2014 22:44

Someone did this to my dh when we were really struggling and had nothing left. It literally helped us feed our children that month. We think we know who it was and hopefully they know how grateful we were. Gratitude definitely outweighed the embarrassment - we would definitely have said no if they had offered, we'd have felt unable to accept.

geezerhere · 01/07/2014 22:44

What if someone else takes it? If u can get into her desk draw..... by the sound of things if all goes to plan she will know it is from u anyway so might as well be up front. Personally id take her out for coffee and offer her some money. If she declines then that's her decision and you should respect that.

LondonRocks · 01/07/2014 22:45

Goodness me, you're most lovely, OP.

That's all.

Loletta · 01/07/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanitasVanitatum · 01/07/2014 22:49

Surely if they are married she doesn't have to leave the house immediately, it's a family home and she has a right to residence.

It's very sweet of you to give money, maybe slip it in her handbag to be safer?

Loletta · 01/07/2014 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 22:52

I know categorically that no one else would take it if I put it in her drawer. I think I am going to do it. Ideas of paying for a solicitor etc are lovely, but there are two problems: 1) she wouldn't accept and 2) I think anything like that eould make it all seem a bit too 'real' IYSWIM. Money can be used on whatever she needs.
The other issue now is that I can't really afford to give more than £50. Do you think she eould see that as an insult? If so I could wait a week or so and try and save on a couple of things to give more.

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PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 22:54

Oh dear, I really don't want to cause offence! Maybe I should speak to her...but what if she's desperately embarrassed?

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Tangerinefairy · 01/07/2014 22:57

I know exactly how you feel op. I have a really lovely colleague at my school who is up against it and I have been wracking my brains as to how I could give her some money without causing offence or making her feel beholden. I think secretly is the only way but then would if freak someone out a bit?

NoodleOodle · 01/07/2014 22:58

Oh gosh. You should definitely get her to seriously consider legal advice before she moves out.

If you do want to give, make it an anon gift and not a loan (as already suggested). And £50 is generous and someone in need will be grateful. No need to give more, or go short yourself for an extra week to help her more.

MaidOfStars · 01/07/2014 23:01

I think for the sake of £50, which I personally don't feel is an embarrassing large gift, I'd just stick it in an envelope, give it to her and tell her it's emergency money for her to use if she needs shopping or whatever.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/07/2014 23:01

how lovely of you :)

maybe paying for legal advice might be the most practical solution but this can be very expensive and ongoing

BustleInYourHedgerow · 01/07/2014 23:05

50 is a lovely amount to give, seriously, you're do I g something really good here and don't doubt yourself. You are giving what you can and I'm sure she will appreciate it.

MummyKnight · 01/07/2014 23:07

If you wanted her to stay with you I know that there are dog foster carers for situations such as this.
As others have said definitely suggest legal advice to her.
I wish I had friends as lovely, kind and caring as you. Grin

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 23:15

MummyKnight I was being a bit economical with the truth there, sorry- it's not really about the dog, sadly. I wish I could have my friend to stay but I just can't.

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PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 23:16

All those people saying nice things to me- thank you but I really don't think it's that unusual- surely anyone would want to help in these circumstances?

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LondonRocks · 01/07/2014 23:18

Could you offer to store some of her things, if she needs that?

£50 is a great amount!

PollyCazaletWannabe · 01/07/2014 23:20

No :( we barely have space as it is. I can spend time with her, be there to chat and hug when required, or give money. That's it really.

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PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/07/2014 06:49

Ok, have got some money out of cashpoint on way to work but still debating what to do. Anonymous donation or talk to her first?

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PollyCazaletWannabe · 02/07/2014 07:10

Bump for advice- anonymous or not?

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