AIBU to tell my son he's now on his own...

[paperpeony]

My teenage son has SEN, so troubles in school have meant he has low self esteem, doesn't always know how to act in social situations (it's part of his chromosome abnormality they say) and kids don't take well to him. All through school (several schools since we've moved house a few times - different towns) he has had trouble with other kids, bullying him, attacking him, name calling. My heart breaks for him and I get really angry wondering why him? Why my son? He's good as gold at home, a gentle soul.

Only he's not. He's actually not that nice of a person at school to other kids and says stupid things in anger at them which gets him in trouble. He's been at his new school for about a month, and already he's got most of the school on his back for the things he says.

I've just been made aware of instances where he's talked about someone's family, the boy just told me in the street after I pulled him up about making gestures to my son in front of me - said he was 'going to get battered' by a whole year group, two years above. I took exception to this and told him so. Then he told me about the things my son has been saying.

I won't be seen to be allowing my son to act this way, but I can't allow a person to threaten him in my presence, so I left it in a 'ok so is this going to end between all of you now?'. I don't think it will but I'm not as worried about that part.

I'm worried about my son and what to do. I'm tired of sticking up for him when a lot of the time he doesn't help himself. I am not the 'my son is an angel, and you can't tell me otherwise' type of person, I'll never allow it. I tell him off when he needs to be told off and this is one of those times. Do I tell him I am leaving him to it - wash my hands of it - Never stick up for him again?

I feel like a fool. All this time I thought he was at school avoiding confrontation and in reality he's been in the thick of it, pushing it further. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Hi sorry about your stressful situation.I think that this may be one of those times its best to go into school.and ask for their help and advice.You cannot really deal with it at home because it is not happening there.Tell the school how you feel about it and say should you back off and will they support with dealing with this issue.Maybe they can come to some resolve with the involved parties and help your son build bridges?

If he is behaving like this because of his SEN, and it means that his is going to be "battered" by a year group two years older than him then it is a massive issue. You need to contact the school. He can't always help the way he behaves towards others - it's part of his condition - what are the other kids' excuses?

Sugary - You're right, going to the school is the first move to make. I have a good relationship with them, telling them I fully support the school and want to work with them on my son's problems, mainly SEN.

Balloon - that's the stance I've been taking and then at the same time I don't want to make excuses for him because he's aware that it's wrong.
The school is probably not the best place for him, but the system refused to acknowledge anything was wrong until a year and a half ago. Then he had his diagnosis, all through me fighting. So getting a statement is now pretty impossible - let alone getting him into a school that probably a bit better for him.
He gets very stressed and too many people or lots of noise makes him extremely anxious and sometimes angry. He's crumbling in an environment that's not appropriate for him. I just want to take him out of school and home school him - put an end to it all.

I'm a young mum, I had him pretty young and don't think I'm equipped to deal with teenagers yet since I still feel like one at 30, and then there's the disability element and trying to understanding his difficulties, when even the teachers haven't heard of his condition. I feel way out of my depth, and now this. Maybe one day it will get easier.

He behaves in a certain way because of a disability,if he's having these issues at school then then school should be working on their inclusion policy.

The school have put strategies in place to help him address situations that arise, but it hasn't started yet. His last Senco couldn't care less. In the meantime he's showing more and more that he can't behave appropriately, I do suspect though that sometimes it's because the children aren't including him, but that's their choice, he get's frustrated because he feels alone, I suppose. I'm surprised he gets up everyday wanting to go to school.

What does he say to you when you talk about it with him?

Is he on medication? Do you think he would benefit from it?

How old is he? Cahms can help with social skills issues like this, if you can get an appointment. It's difficult as it's not always easy to find a way for things to sink in, so it's something you need help with. It's unfair on him to leave him to it as he'll feel abandoned and he won't understand why or what he's doing. He clearly hasn't been given the support at school, so you need to push for all of this. If he was dyslexic, you'd demand help so why is this so different? Home and school are two different places. He's telling you that he can't cope at school. There's different rules there and he doesn't understand them.

Please go back to your GP and demand a cahms referral.

Hello OP,

If he has a diagnosis, perhaps it may be worthwhile contacting your local Council's Children with a Disability Team? They might be able to fund some services for him and may also be able to refer you to specific help. In addition they be also be able to provide you with support and help with the school. xx

"He clearly hasn't been given the support at school"

You don't know this.

OP, don't stop being there for your DS. (hard though it may be)

"The school have put strategies in place to help him address situations that arise, but it hasn't started yet. His last Senco couldn't care less. " < this, Boney.

If he finds it difficult to cope with other people, social situations, people saying things about him, the last thing he needs is for his mum to join the rest of the world.

My 16 year old son was bullied at school. He has (mild) Aspergers and anxiety issues. It took a huge fight to get him seen By CAHMS, to get a statement and to eventually get home tuition. Next year he plans to go to a small nurturing centre where he can take his GCSEs and the pupils all have problems. Sometimes meeting other people with problems that are similar if different to your own can give you a better appreciation of your own condition.

A statement isn't impossible, it just might be a bit of a battle. Step one, go to your GP and get a referral to CAHMS. Badger them, including getting your local councillor on board if they drag their heels. What does he love? Music? Drama? Art? Computers? Look at building his social group outside of school.

He isn't on his own, because you will keep fighting for him. It is a fight and it is incredibly bleak and difficult at times, but you can't give up. He is lonely and scared. He needs you to guide him through this and fight his corner.

Is there an online support group for his condition? I understand you might not want to go into details, but other posters may know of groups or support which might be available to you as his carer to help you to give him what he needs. It must be heartbreaking to know that some of the problems he has are of his own doing, but if he finds it difficult to 'read' social situations and manage his anger as part of his condition, then I don't think you can leave him to it, as he needs someone to be on his side no matter what when things get on top of him. That said, it is fine for you to say 'I love you and I will always be there for you, but I don't like some of the things you do and I wish you would think/count to ten/tell a teacher when you start to feel yourself getting angry or about to say something hurtful to someone.' He needs to know that loving him isn't enough to help him when you're not around, and that he has to take as much responsibility as he possibly can for managing his own behaviour when it comes to interacting at school (assuming his SEN don't make this impossible of course!).
I agree that working with the school is important - tell them that you have considered home-schooling him if you think that might make them understand just how serious the issues are and how concerned you are about the level of support he's receiving, or not as the case may be. You sound like you're doing everything you can, but you aren't there 24/7 and the school have a duty to educate your son as well as offer him pastoral care.

I wonder is he copying others behaviours? He is lovely at home. Mouthy in school. I have caught DD saying things that made me She was copying and exaggerating playground gossip. Which can be mean. She had no idea that she was being ruder than others around her. She knows when things are rude when taught but if she hears others say things then it must be ok. School maybe need to work with him with social stories? Definitely keep guiding him and a good relationship with school is a great way to be in the loop with their plans and ideas. CAHMS will come to school and observe him if they/you fell it necessary.

Sybil
Sorry missed that.

Early Bird - When I talk to him, he says he gets angry because he calls them names. Regarding the things he says, he says it's in self defence. It's all for shock value I think. For instance he told a boy 'I hope your whole family dies in a fire'. He told me it's because the boy as calling him names. He understands he shouldn't say it, but he can't stop himself doing it. His answer is always 'I was angry'.

He's 13, 14 in a few months.

LadySy, I completely understand what you're saying, and completely agree. He is dyslexic. I had been demanding up until age 12 that he be assessed. They disagreed. Assessed him - dyslexic. I am at the school every other week, sometimes twice a week over different issues mostly through me initiating a meeting. He started school a month ago, and I've been up there 4 times. I am constantly demanding help for him. They take notes and that's as far as it goes, mind you this school seems to be more on top of helping him with his SEN so far, so fingers crossed, but I can't help thinking the damage has been done. Infact that's exactly what's happened. I know he can't cope at school, I'm trying to tell the school this. I go to the doctor, they tell me to go to the school, I go to the school, they point to the doctor. I will continue to go back and forth to the doctors and school for sure. I'll never stop. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your advice.

Tattyteddy Thank you so much for your suggestion, I will look that up, definitely.

BoneyBack, Thank you, I won't stop, but I do have to say I don't feel he has been given the correct support at school, and in addition, I haven't been given the correct support from the school (the previous one). Their communication was abysmal, and things they were legally obliged to do, they failed. For instance, none of the teachers knew he was dyslexic for the first 9 months of him being there.

Snapespear - Thank you, I'm sorry you and your son went through similar circumstances, it's extremely hard. Did your son get a statement after 16 years? I was told there wasn't enough evidence for a statement, but another teacher told me he needs one, especially for the future. It's all down to budgets, that's all I hear. I am constantly going on about it. I feel like I'm starting to sounding so repetitive when I'm there, but I have to keep telling myself I was right all along about my son's difficulties, they didn't agree. So if I sound like a parrot, so be it. Thank you for the suggestions on the social group outside school, we were just starting to get used to the last place we lived and now it's all new again. This is not helping him, and I feel guilty for it. He goes to scouts and everyone loves him there, he feels comfortable there and it's doing something that interests him so you're right that's the way to go.

zzzzz - He's 14 in a few months.

Dojo - Yes Dojo, he has problem reading social situations, and problems with all forms of verbal communication. That's why it's difficult for the 'tell a teacher, stop and calm down before you get angry' doesn't truly stick. That and he's a teenager. He knows I'll always be there for him but I don't him to confuse that with him thinking I will let him get away with anything he does. Every parent has that problem. Thank you for your advice, Dojo.

Ghostisonthecanvas - Yes the previous school did social stories, the new school want to try a similar method. They have talked about cahms, but the senco said it might be hard to get them involved, if that's what he needs, that's what I'll make sure he gets. Something needs to be done now. He's never been a violent person at home, never heard an angry word out of his mouth, or even an expression, but I know he's that way in school on occasion. More shoving and nudging. Part of his condition is that the boys can be very tall, and combined with his anger it's very possible he could get himself into a lot of trouble. This is my worry, my biggest fear. Thank you too for your help.

I agree with everything everyone has said and I really value all of your opinions. The power of just talking and asking for help should never be underestimated. You have helped me more than you know, and I don't feel alone in this. Thank you for taking the time to read my long OP. I truly appreciate it.

Yes, I only started pushing for a statement when he was 15, that's when his difficulties started to become very apparent, although in retrospect he never 'fitted in.'he is glorious and I wouldn't have him any other way. :-) There is still plenty of time for you to do this, but you have to be focused and use every ounce of strength that you have. In our case a statutory, recognised understanding of his condition has helped us come to terms with how he is and places certain demands on the education system to take him seriously.

It is all budgets and funding. Don't let that stop you, it just means you have to push a little harder. I do recommend talking to your local councillor. Sometimes wheels only get set in motion when you have an elected representative in your corner.

You've given me hope Snapespear because the school basically had me believing that it's definitely too late/impossible/not worth pursuing. I am going to parent partnership, maybe in the new area contacting them will be a bit easier. I think my main problem is that I don't know exactly how to define it. I have the diagnosis but no one else has heard of it even though it's not very rare. XYY syndrome.

Do you believe a child with a reading age of 8 and a spelling age of 6, that hasn't progressed in two years (and that's only because he was assessed then, it could have been much longer) is getting enough support? Is it even determined by that? I just don't understand what is needed for a statement if lack of progress through normal school action isn't working. Maybe I am expecting too much? I don't know enough even though I keep reading.

I'm rambling now, apologies, again thank you for the hope!

paper I think you need to get in touch with the school nurse. They are wonderful and will really help you fight your corner. They don't just weigh and measure children, they work with families and schools and can help the school to work with you, as well as make referrals. Every school has access to one, all you need to do is call reception and say that you'd like the school nurse to contact you. You don't need to say what it's for. The receptionist will call the nurse and pass on your details, the nurse will then call you and take things from there.

They are wonderful.

I have no advice for you paperpeony, I am no expert on parenting but I wanted to say - you seem to me like a wonderful mum, and I would be proud to say you were my mum. I hope you find a way through all this xx

I can't be specific about your boys condition, because although there are similarities, it is a different diagnosis. All I can say is keep on with what you're doing, sometimes you need to go all guns blazing 'mum*' on this, because he's your boy (even if you don't like his behaviours sometimes)

Sometimes conditions only become apparent with the onset of puberty. It's really not too much to try and seek a formal Diagnosis at this point. Pop along and see your GP and get some support, this is a fuxk-awful journey at times. You need folk in your corner.

It all sounds like a defence mechanism to me, and sometimes these are formed over such a long period of time that it can take a little while to think and act differently.

What Would I Do? Yes, speak to the school, yes speak to CAHMS. But I am wondering outside school would he enjoy the Sea,Army or Air Cadets? He will mix with children from other schools and areas and it will increase his social skills really quickly.

FFF x

Youre doing a good job as his mum OP, and i think you said youre a young mum?Dont do yourself down on your age, I think this is a hard situation to deal with regardless of who or what age.Just keep pushing the school for help and good luck

Although it is not an Autism Spectrum Disorder I wonder if some of the same strategies might be helpful? Perhaps worth looking as the National Autistic Society website. Things like managing anger, social difficulties and bullying are addressed on there I think. (DP has ASD) best of luck.

I wrote this reply last night but it didn't work, luckily it was still sitting there and I could just paste it into a new message.

LadySybil - Thankyou for that I know it sounds terrible but I really wasn't aware it was a service in the school. I will contact them tomorrow to get a meeting to discuss everything you all have suggested.

Seeley - It's hard to feel that way most of the time but it's not for lack of trying, believe me! Thank you so much for your kind words x

Snapespear - Yes, I pushed for a diagnosis, they did a blood test just to cover all bases, not expecting anything to come back. The paediatrician who gave us the results was amazing. He knew all about the condition, says my son needs a one on one approach at school and told me he will need help throughout his life. It was strange because while I felt so sorry that my son had to go through this, at least I knew what was really the root cause of all of his problems. Reading up about XYY syndrome was like reading an exact description about him. Some boys have XYY (an extra Y on every set) and don't have any symptoms - but he suffers from all of them.Tomorrow I'm going to go all Mum on them, trust me.

Funky - Yes I think you're right, he's in effect being forced to confront people in this way because he's in a corner. He's in Scouts and he loves it, we moved town, but still drive back every week to take him so he has his same friends to see.

Sugary - You're absolutely right, I guess I just feel, and it's my own projection, that I'm not being taken seriously when I go for meetings, or at least I did when he was at the last school. You're right though, anyone at any age could go through this. thank you x

Isabeller - Thank you for your suggestion, I think there are a lot of similarities, I will join in on some discussions with people who are, and live with people on the Autism Spectrum they will know much more than me, and if this forum and the advice given here is anything to go by, it will help me to no end.

Thank you all, truly, feel appreciated, because I really do appreciate it :)