Bed time for 9 year old?

[wishingonastar123]

Every weekend when my step kids are here we end having issues over bed time...

I have DS5 and DD 22 months who go to bed around 7.30 every night including weekends, with some flexibility when it's needed.

DSD9 and DSS7 stay over alternate weekends. Prior to DH being with me he used to let them stay up as late as they like, he'd put them in bed often when they had fallen asleep on sofa or when they were absolutely exhausted and ready to flop. It would often be gone 10.30pm when they went to bed.
When they stay at their grandma's (DH's Mum's) she also lets them stay up late, they also claim they stay up till similar times at their Mum's but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway a couple of months ago I put my foot down and said they need to be in bed at 9pm. I think that's late enough for them to enjoy an evening with us, get a bit of time without the little ones but not too late that they will be grumpy in the morning.
But DSD argues about it, refuses to go to bed, sulks, cries, threatens to stay at her grandmas and never stay at our house again blah blah.

DH also hasn't helped matters by negotiating over the time with her, so now she thinks its open for negotiation.

I don't want to come across as the wicked step mum but when they are getting woken up by the little ones at 6.30-7am they need to be going to bed at a reasonable hour. They are completely different children when they have had a decent night's sleep compared to how they are when they're shattered.

Also due to the hours DH and I work we don't see each other much, he works days and I work evenings, I'm at work for 12 hours on a Saturday, we need an hour or 2 to ourselves on a Saturday night. In the past there's been nights when I've gone to bed before they have! That's just ridiculous!

So am I being unreasonable to say 9 year old needs to go to bed at 9pm? DSS7 isn't too bothered, it's just DSD who keeps arguing.

My DD, who is 9, would not be able to fall asleep at 9pm.

Can you put her to bed with a DVD or book if you want some peace and quiet, and then turn her light out later?

Sounds reasonable to me, my 10 year old reads in bed from 8.30 and has light out at 9pm. I have to wake him up for school in the morning.

My DS8 goes to bed the same time as his 5 yr old sibling (share a room) at 8pm & is allowed to read for half an hour. Occasionally at the weekend this might slip by half an hour but 9pm is definitely reasonable for a 9 yr old who is being woke before 7am

However I do know that they go to bed at 8-8.30 during the week so she is totally capable of going to sleep at that time.
We don't have TV's in bedrooms but she's allowed to read or watch something on her laptop/tablet if she wants to.

*woken

Yanbu. If they aren't sleepy they an read or maybe listen to a story on a DVD. My DD is nine and in the week her bedtime is quarter to eight, a bit later at weekends ( but before nine). Children do get sleepy at different imegis but IMO there's no need for a nine year old to be downstairs after 9pm.

The problem is your DH - he needs to be the one to instigate bedtime & discipline appropriately when they kick-off otherwise you will just be seen as wicked sm

my 9 year old twins are 9pm at weekends unless we're doing something 8-8.30 school nights

We never had a bedtime routine as kids so its something I was adamant my children would have. Bedtime is between 7 and half past in our house for DS who is 4 and DD's (8months) bedtime routine starts at 6 and she is usually asleep by 7. So that is a big age gap between your stepkids but i can't see me letting them be up past 8.30 at the very latest at 7/9 years old. That said my DS has always had that bedtime and very much needs his 12 hours, if they haven't had a clear bedtime i can see it being hard for them to suddenly have this set time being 'forced' but i thing in no way are you being unreasonable. Kids need there sleep

My 9yo DS needs more sleep then my 6yo DD, he needs at least 10 hours whereas she needs about 8. They tend to go to bed at the same time at 8pm, DS will be asleep within half an hour but DD will still be up past 9:30.
I agree with Bonsoir, send her up at 9pm but allow her to read or watch a dvd.

But I think

kids need their sleep

I do also suspect a big part of it is that she gets jealous of DH and I having time alone. She's a proper daddy's girl and although me and her get on great she always tries to play gooseberry, if I'm near DH she'll sit on his knee and play with his hair and mess with his ears etc.
Usually DH makes us a nice meal for when I get home from work, which we enjoy with a glass of wine once the kids have gone to bed. She has joined us on our date night for months and now she feels like she's missing out/being pushed out.
We have seen a relationship counsellor recently and the conclusion was we need to make time for each other. We need to have our Saturday night date night without the company of any kids.
So I think the bed time thing is more a matter of her not wanting me and her dad to get any time alone.
She also often pretends she's ill and asks to sleep in our bed! Which I find slightly strange and I've ended up on the sofa because she's in our bed.

My 9 year old doesn't have lights out until 10 at the weekend - she goes up earlier & reads, makes bloody loom bands, etc. Shes off now on summer holidays & it's between 9.30 & 10ish. I think 9pm is too early, is it not only every other weekend?

If it is 8-8:30 in the week, then 9 and weekends is perfectly fine.

My 9 year old has lights out by 8:30 throughout the week, including w/e as we have found it's better for our DDs to stick with consistent times (DD1 has had sleep problems in the past).

Why does your date night have to be the night you have her? I think maybe at 9 she could stay up a little later, it is the weekend! Maybe make it 9 for the 7 year old and 9:30 for the 9 year old.

My DD is asleep most nights by 8pm. She wakes up somewhere between 6.30 and 7 am most days.

DS is 6 and he is in bed at 7.30 and up at 7.30. Some nights he goes to sleep a little later and sometimes he is up a little earlier.

I never need to wake either of them up as they wake up naturally without any alarm etc. I take this to mean that they are getting enough sleep for them.

DD is nine.

Ds3, almost 8, goes to bed between 9pm and 10pm when he has no school the next day. If he goes up at 9pm he will often watch a DVD for an hour or more. He goes to bed by 9:30pm on a school night and doesn't have screen time. He is always up with the lark and rarely appears tired. His older brothers (now 18 & 16) went to bed at 7:30pm every night at that age or they were stroppy the next day. It depends on the child.

I think you are right that it is your relationship with her dad that is at the root of the problem and he needs to put measures in place to deal with this.

You are perfectly reasonable, I'd say go get pyjamas on teeth brushed etc at 8:30 then story then tucked up in bed at 9 - not starting to get ready at 9.

Your DH Has made a huge mistake - negotiating with them. He's made a rod for both your backs.

My boys are not even 18 months yet but the nephews who are 6 and 8 come to stay regularly and they are tucked up in bed by 8. No negotiations, if they play up then their bedtime the following night starts getting brought forward by 15 mins every time they protest.

You have a 22m old and a 5yo so of course you think of evenings as grown up time. But your dp has older dcs of course they want some time with their dad once the little ones are in bed. Why shouldn't they stay up at the weekend ? It's not their fault you have to up at 6:30.......

out playing till half 7 or 8 on weekdays bathed and bed by half 8 or 9, Mine are zonked having been outside playing all that time. weekends differ and we are on holidays at the moment so I'm letting them stay out till 9ish maybe half 9 and up till 10 half 10ish. It doesn't eat into my time because they play out with their friends though.

I think it is unrealistic to expect to have nice dinner, wine etc on a Saturday night without dcs if they are aged 9 tbh.

My 9 year old twins go to bed at 10pm at the weekends. 8.30pm school nights.

They are very good company though.

Yy she can stay up, but has to behave in an adult way or get sent to bed with the littlies.

Sorry but I think you ABU.

Son is same age and on weekends he is allowed to stay up late. Bedtime is 8pm on school nights.

Your step children aren't with you all the time. Maybe she is a bit jealous of the time that you get to spend with her dad. But that's quite normal. And when your children are older they will want to spend time with their parents too. You are a family and while some together time is good for the two of you, does it have to take away from the smaller amount of time your step kids get?