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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is he?

39 replies

Newnew · 01/07/2014 12:11

Hi Ladies, just wanted an opinion if that is okay.

Been with dp for four years been living together for nearly 2 (it is his flat).
Since living together I have been at uni three days a week and at work two days a week. He works full time.

He pays his mortgage,gas electric, service charge etc. I pay for the food (around £500 a month). I am extremely grateful that he has supported me whilst I have been studying and I am due to start a full time job this month.

However the problem is the housework. (Sorry if this is boring). He takes the bins out once a week and ocassionally does some washing up. I cook every single meal and do all housework. I will go to work, come home, cook, wash up, tidy up whilst he sits on computer or goes to the gym,

When he is off of work he also does no housework and will sit on the computer. I understand that he does work full time but I do not think everything should always be left to me.

If I go out with my friend in the evening I will cook dinner for him before I go out (even if its a 1pm).
Yesterday things came to a head as I went to the gym and got back at 8:30 and there was uncooked chicken in the fridge and he was cutting his hair (he has been off of work since Thursday). I said why didnt you at least start the dinner? He went off on one and when I said that you do nothing around the house he said 'well I pay all the bills'! (Not the first time he has said this even though I have offered lots of times to pay more of my way).

I was annoyed and went to bed, aibu?

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 01/07/2014 12:25

He is BU. Are you his girlfriend or the live in maid he pays for and also gets to sleep with?

Rubadubstylee · 01/07/2014 12:26

I suppose time wise, if you have more free time available than him (and by that I do mean free time, not study time etc) then he is NBU to expect you to do more around the house.

On the other hand, him paying the bills does not give him a pass on doing anything else! He is supporting you financially now because that is what partners do.

Are you planning children together? Do you have any ideas what kinds of arrangement you'd be looking at - SAHP, 2 x part time, 2 x full time etc? Because if you are, I think you should be establishing ground rules now...

maras2 · 01/07/2014 12:29

I can't believe that women put up with this nonsense in this day and age.Of course you are not being unreasonable.Hope you don't mind me asking but how on earth do you manage to spend £500 a month on food for just 2 people?

NynaevesSister · 01/07/2014 12:29

He was off work. There was no reason why he couldn't cook dinner. If it is part if their agreement that she cooks and cleans in lieu of rent then fine. But I bet he will expect the same arrangent when/if they are married and she is a SAHM! Fact is she is working full time it is just that three of those days aren't earning. I'd really get this sorted out now OP so you are both clear about your arrangements.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2014 12:32

You spend £500 a month on food?? How is that possible??

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 12:33

I do have more free time than him which is why I have just got on and done it but I just feel that sometimes especially if I need to go out he could take the initiative. My free time is actually not that free as I have to do housework etc but his free time is spent relaxing,gym etc.
It was the 'I pay all the bills so you do your part kinda thing' that has really bothered me.

If and when we have children he wanted me to stay at home he works but I do not think that can happen now.

I spend so much on shopping because he eats alot and wont just eat a simple spaghetti bolognese etc he has big meals for dinner and then the same amount for lunch everyday. I know it is a ridiculous amount.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 12:35

I will be starting a full time job anytime now (he still doesnt want me to pay towards the mortgage so I can save more but I am thinking now it is so he doesn't have to do housework lol).

OP posts:

LastTango · 01/07/2014 12:41

He doesn't want you to pay toward the mortgage because that way you have no claim on the flat. You can't claim if you don't contribute and, sorry, it's not so you 'can save' !

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 12:44

I agree LastTango.

OP posts:

HayDayQueen · 01/07/2014 12:52

He's telling you who he is, you had better start listening.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 01/07/2014 12:54

Don't by any food next week so that he can realise the he isn't paying for everything. Or just buy the things that you like and just cook the things that you like.

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 12:54

HayDayQueen (I am addicted to that game btw) what do you mean?

OP posts:

HayDayQueen · 01/07/2014 13:04

Listen to him, - 'I pay the bills, so you are my lackey'. That is what he thinks of you, really. You are NOT his equal, you are NOT his partner. You are still in the 'romantic' period of your relationship and he's like this. What the hell will he be like when you have children and are even more reliant on him financially? What can you expect from him when you are sleep deprived with a crying baby?

(Oh, and you're welcome to come over to our Hay Day thread in the gaming section!!1)

ContentedSidewinder · 01/07/2014 13:04

He is saying I am an arse, and you should be listening.

What did he do evening meal wise before you moved in? Clearly he was looking after himself and then you came along and did it all for him.

For full disclosure, I am a SAHM with two children now in school so I do everything because I have time. That includes the bins and mowing the lawn.

But, DH never takes that for granted. He seriously worships me, as I him. And that is what makes this work for us. He is grateful, he does loads with the children and cooks often usually at the weekend when he has time. He doesn't consider what I do to be "women's work"

So basically you are stepping into the role of housewife, a wife to the house. When both of you are working full time you will need to address this.

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 13:13

Before I met him he went to his mum's everday for dinner and to get his lunch.
So in terms of what I wrote does it seem that he is being unreasonable and treating me as his live in maid just because he pays the bills he feels entitled.

Re: Children the picture is becoming clearer.

OP posts:

HayDayQueen · 01/07/2014 13:18

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS BEING UNREASONABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to shout, but its as clear as anything that he's being an unreasonable arse.

But.... please, please, don't think you have it in your power to change him, or that he'll be better when you are married, or have kids, etc, etc.

It will just get worse. He's completely incapable of looking after himself, and will expect you to do MORE as time goes on, not less.

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 13:19

F@@K Sake

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/07/2014 13:21

Be careful OP. I totally agree about he's telling you who he is.

He expects you to do these things. What will happen when you work full time? Are you still going to be doing the all the housework? What about when you have children?

He went to his mums for all meals? That says a lot!

Think about the situation you are in, settling down, having kids will not change anything. Infact you're more likely to become even more resentful as you'll be doing all the child care too!

He wants you to stay at home if you have children? What about what you want?

Yes you are his maid. It will get worse.

Be wary about the mortgage too, 'common law' doesn't exist. If you have kids without being married I mean.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2014 13:21

I agree with the psalter who said he doesn't want you to contribute to the mortgage because then it means you can't make a claim on the property if you break up.

I'd seriously be questioning what this guy thinks about you, how he feels about you and if he views you as having a future together.

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 13:26

Thanks for the advice ladies I am really taking it on board.

So when he gets home and I speak to him I guess he's going to bring up that he works full time, how I have more free time and that he doesn't like cooking etc. He is very difficult to conversate with during heated exchanges as he always thinks he is right so I just give up because I don't like arguments.

Any advice on what I could say. (Very much appreciated by the way).

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 01/07/2014 13:33

You said you don't have free time cos you "have to do the housework". Why do you think you HAVE to do it? If I were you I would scale back hugely. Cut back on the hoovering, start prioritsing your own laundry at the expense of his....that sort of thing.

You certainly don't have to clean the flat every day - not with only two people in it.

And I'm another one shocked by the amount of money you spend on food - thats insane! You need to get cannier with your labels!

But the main red flag is that you chose a man who needs a Mum. You are his Mum. And you own nothing but the food in the cupboards.

It wouldn't be for me, tbh. My mother said to me once "Never marry a man who gets the hump at the idea of washing his own dirty knickers" Wise words.

Original poster

Newnew · 01/07/2014 13:36

'And you own nothing but the food in the cupboards.'

Harsh but true.

I tidy up because it gets messy and I don't want to look like I have been on my arse all day! But I see your point. Thank you.

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/07/2014 13:54

He's replaced his mum with you. That's the reality of it.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/07/2014 13:58

Ask him why his free time is allowed to be spent relaxing and going to the gym, yet your free time should be spent doing all the cooking and cleaning?

Ask him when you are supposed to go to the gym and relax like he does.

RiverTam · 01/07/2014 14:04

to be honest I can't imagine why you moved in with him - he went to his mum's every day for dinner and to get his lunch for the next day? Sorry, but the writing was on the wall there and then.

Why do you cook for him when you're not going to be in for dinner - is he asking/expecting you to, or are you automatically doing it.

Do you love him - is the relationship good, other than this fairly massive flaw? Is it worth saving? Tbh, it doesn't sound like it.

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