or is he?

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Hi Ladies, just wanted an opinion if that is okay.

Been with dp for four years been living together for nearly 2 (it is his flat).
Since living together I have been at uni three days a week and at work two days a week. He works full time.

He pays his mortgage,gas electric, service charge etc. I pay for the food (around £500 a month). I am extremely grateful that he has supported me whilst I have been studying and I am due to start a full time job this month.

However the problem is the housework. (Sorry if this is boring). He takes the bins out once a week and ocassionally does some washing up. I cook every single meal and do all housework. I will go to work, come home, cook, wash up, tidy up whilst he sits on computer or goes to the gym,

When he is off of work he also does no housework and will sit on the computer. I understand that he does work full time but I do not think everything should always be left to me.

If I go out with my friend in the evening I will cook dinner for him before I go out (even if its a 1pm).
Yesterday things came to a head as I went to the gym and got back at 8:30 and there was uncooked chicken in the fridge and he was cutting his hair (he has been off of work since Thursday). I said why didnt you at least start the dinner? He went off on one and when I said that you do nothing around the house he said 'well I pay all the bills'! (Not the first time he has said this even though I have offered lots of times to pay more of my way).

I was annoyed and went to bed, aibu?

Ask him his views on how now you'll be working full time as he is, what he considers to be a fair split in terms of bills and chores.

Don't talk, get him to do the talking. Don't offer any opinions until you've got him to come up with his idea of fair. Only then will you know what kind of man you are with.

What would he consider fair if you were on maternity and not working, would you have no money for yourself?

It is like he has replaced me with his mum. His mum is a muslim who does everything for her children. I am not a muslim neither is he but this is clearly how he expects women to behave from what he has witnessed.

I do love him, he has some very good traits and is great really in many areas however certain things like money/expectations (chavanistic traits) are making me see him in different ways especially as I know I will be working full time (longer hours than him) and I think he will still expect me to do things.

It is harder to say anything now because he has got away with it for so long but the older I am getting the more I am understanding.

He doesn't want me to pay half the bills when I am working full time. (Realising now that it is about control). He wants me to save for us to buy a house so he will continue to pay the bills and I will do food. But I think I am going to say (again) we will go halves on everything bills and chores.

You spend 500 a month on food?? How is that possible??

That IS crazy! I converted it to US dollars, and it's $857. I spend $800 a month for a family of five, and I buy almost exclusively organic, grass fed, all natural, blah blah blah. It includes cleaning supplies and pull-ups, too!

How much cleaning do you need to do, really? There are just two adults in the HH, right? Surely you mostly clean up after yourselves, with maybe dusting and vacuuming, etc., added in once a week or so.

At my house, whoever doesn't cook dinner cleans up after dinner. Maybe start there, tell him if he wants you to cook, he needs to clean up.

I used to go out with a guy from a Muslim background and we were together for about 4 months. In that time I was able to work out quite well what he expected of women, how he saw their role in terms of looking after him and the house and his views on working women when children are on the scene and I made my exit sharpish!!

hmm, well, it sounds pretty ingrained to me.

You need to sit down and talk about this with him, and definitely get it cleared up before you even contemplate having DC with him.

Or contemplate buying a house with him!!

I am aware of the food shopping issue, will take a further look at the aldi threads!

Pretty ingrained i.e he isn't going to change even when I am working full time or a stay at home mum or a part time working mum.

Re: Muslim, the women really do have to cater to the men :/

I agree with PP.
Sit him down.
Ask him how the housework, cooking, shopping etc... will work when you are working full-time.
His response will be all you need know.
And I am pretty sure it will be; 'well I pay the bills so you are still expected to do everything else'!
He may well surprise us all.
I hope so, but I doubt it.

Going to do that tonight thanks!

I'm sorry but this is a pretty big thing, this kind of pressure and expectation has a huge impact on quality of life and the longer it goes on the more it will affect you. You've said yourself it isn't going to change, so I think the question you really need to be asking yourself now is, is it worth it?

I think I will do as suggested and try to have a convo tonight to see what will happen from next week when I am working full time. From his answers that will tell me what I need to know then I can decide if it is something that I am willing to put up with. Just hard when someone always thinks that they are right.

Well he's entitled to think he's right - you don't have to kill yourself to change his mind. He should be flexible enough to change "the rules" voluntarily.

A lot of people will, when faced with a loved ones unhappiness, examine their behaviour/expectations and very much WANT to compromise in order to minimise their loved ones distress.

And then other people will minimise and deny any distress and say its unreasonable for the other person to be distressed in the first place. And will literally try to argue the person's distress away. It doesn't work of course.

The first kind you should live with, the second type you should not.

Use the conversation tonight to realise which type he is.