To ask when this whole parenting thing gets easier?

[PenelopeChipShop]

This is actually a serious question. I wonder how many people who clicked on this are expecting me to say I have a 12-week-old, struggling with breastfeeding, or similar. Nope. DC has just turned 2. I'm really down today because:

He has still never slept through the night, not once. DH hasn't helped much up to now so I feel like the living dead

He's a really fussy eater - basically wants to live on fruit and/ or rice cakes, not interested in proper meals

Is super, super clingy - to the extent that he won't usually even be comforted by his dad. DH tried to get up with him at the weekend to let me sleep in and they could only manage half an hour before he was shrieking 'Mummy see' and demanding to be let at me

Am an unhappy SAHM - made redundant on mat leave despite wanting to return. Have been offered 2 jobs since then but both turned down flexible working requests so I didn't feel able to take them (my mum is not well at the mo either so this was partly bc of her needs, not just the DC)

Of course, I love love love him - plus side is he very cute, language very good so communication is getting easier, I am v lucky to have him I know. But two years ago I was at the peak of my career, and now I feel utterly stuck, isolated, drained - if I could just sleep through the night things wouldn't look so bad but I can't imagine him ever doing it. I don't think DH understands why looking after one toddler is tiring, in fact most of the time I think it shouldn't be.

I just want to know what age does it get a BIT less intense - when can you stop following their every step for example, or when do even the worst sleepers give up the fight? I guess I just hoped things would be a bit easier by now. Feel that I can't talk to people in RL as I know a lot of mums with toddlers his age or a bit older who already have or are expecting no.2 so they obviously don't feel the same!

Can you put his bed in your room again so you dont need to get up to him,

I feel for you, its tough when they're young. My ds2 is 20 months and still wakes 2-3 times a night and its up to me to get up as DH has a manual job with long hours and it would be dangerous for him to be up in the night with ds. He's also still in our room as he would disturb ds1 when he wakes in the night.
He's also very clingy with me and I've only been out 5 or 6 times without him.
He still only has half his teeth and is teething again so he's extra grumpy. He will only have milk out of a bottle but will have very weak juice from a beaker, water it treated like poison.

It seems so relentless and is frustrating when you have a toddler like this. My three other DCs were so different - sleeping through by 15 months, were in their own bedrooms and would happily stay with my parents so DH and I could go out once in a while.

It does get better though, eventually. My dd2 got more independent when she was about 2.6 and could do more for herself and I have everything crossed that soon ds2 will at least be a bit less clingy soon.

Tbh I can deal with the broken sleep etc. its the clingyness that really gets to me. All kids go through a clingy phase but ds2 starts crying if I go to the toilet without him.

Parenthood is easier for dads yes ... but how much easier depends on what you're willing to put up with iyswim!

Honestly if you do most of the night wakings (and I bet you do) then it is totally fair for DH to do 45 mins in the early morning. You need to be off limits during that time. DH gets DD out of cot, takes her downstairs to give her morning milk and help him make his cup of tea, then into the bathroom (with toys) while he showers and shaves - he shuts the bathroom door so DD can't come and find me. After a while she got used to this and now doesn't expect to see me till post DH's shower. If she has a strop during this time, it's his problem not mine. Hope you get some cooperation from your DH.

At weekends - I totally get what you mean about "hanging around". I still have to say "DH can you get DD's lunch". Try to swap some tasks so that he is doing more child related stuff and you are doing non child related stuff. For example it used to be that I would do DD's lunch and nap time while DH got our lunch. We have swapped that which has helped.

Dd1 used to eat dairy lea sandwhiches mashed potato and chicken for 2 years dinner was w night mare I stopped fusing and just plated what we were having

I've just put DS (aged 2) down for a nap and was thinking of starting a thread of my own! Am finding him mega hard work at the moment, but he's good as gold for everyone else... It's exhausting, I work three days a week and DH does shift work, so we haven't seen each other for a week really. DS is usually an ok sleeper but is currently teething/has a cold so is up a lot in the night, so am shattered...

I have one of those no-sense-of-fear toddlers too (she climbed onto our sitting room windowsill before she could even walk!) and it is very tiring! I do try and let her get on with it as much as possible (although a trip to the park is a nerve-shedding experience!) and too date, touch wood, she's not had any serious incidents. She's a pretty good sleeper now but it did take some sleep training. Just a few months ago she was up multiple times a night and I was heavily pregnant too and I do remember how exhausting it was.

I think sometimes you have to push dads into feeling that it is their responsibility as well - it's easy to get into patterns where he goes out to work, and you look after the child. And they get used to that, and feel they 'don't know' how to do it, so it continues.

I tend to the view that if he can cope in a fulltime job, he is perfectly capable of handling a small child!

But I also think it's important that they don't feel there's a right way (yours) and a wrong way (anything else) and that they'll be marked down on your return if they haven't done things 'properly'. Some women shoot themselves in the foot there, and leave the dad feeling that he can't get it right whatever he does, so might as well not bother.

So I'd either get him to take DS out, or for you to go out and leave them to it, on a regular basis, and make it clear that however he handles anything that happens is totally fine (List any absolutes you think are important - eg must use the carseat, no feeding him peanuts, but stick to the bare minimum for safety). Start with an hour or so, and work up from there.

Really feel for you OP, my DC's are now 15, 12 and 7 and yes life is easier!
Ok not much help right now I know but I had a real nightmare when they were young and didn't think I would ever be able to say that..
DD didn't sleep through until DS1 was born, DS1 was maybe nearly 2 and DS2 was a terrible sleeper until 3 and I still see him in my bed on occasion now!
I did what you have done and used a nursery for a few hours a week - and I didn't even pretend to work - I went to bed and slept!!
What I will say though is that it has all been worth it, they have grown into amazing, intelligent, kind, compassionate human beings, I just sometimes wish I had better treasured the time when they were small because it disappears so quickly.. So my advice would be to know you are not alone, sleep when you can, but occasionally take a moment to see the amazing things in your DC and hold onto them.

Lovely advice from Natalie. I'd also say not to worry too much about doing it right. Obviously advice can be helpful, but it can also give you the impression that if you just tried harder, you could find a way to fix things. There are some stages when you just have to focus on muddling through as best you can and hope you emerge intact.

It does get easier.....

Both of my DS are early risers - DS1 at 9 is still up by 6am and DS2 (3) generally starts his day at 5.30am. You do live and learn though, I pandered to DS1 with his sleep and he took a long time to sleep through without intervention......

DS2 I was a little harder with and he is a better sleeper. I second the advice above, get him going to sleep by himself, and in the night settle him when he wakes and then leave quickly. You may have a couple of nights where you are in and out every 10 minutes to resettle, but at his age he should get the message quite quickly.

I also have always found that my DS would wake more frequently if overtired, I would try putting him to bed closer to 7pm for a few nights and see if that stops the wake-ups....

My DS2 is a confident outgoing chap but when he is tired he is clingy...we have tears at nursery etc (which he loves) so again the sleep may be exacerbating this problem.

Food....hmmmm......DS1 started to eat well once he started having lunches at nursery. He had to have school dinners and came home telling me he liked cauliflower and broccolli ...so peer pressure cracked that one....DS2 eats well at nursery but is still fussy at home, but I tend to ignore it as much as possible. I read that toddlers are inherently suspicious of new foods as this would prevent them from eating poisonous unknown foods historically...so I am waiting for this phase to pass with mine.....

Hang in there......

Have read the entire thread, OP, but just read that you are still breastfeeding and it struck a chord.

A friend of mine breastfed her dd2 until he was two and a half. And found that when she finally weaned him he suddenly became a lot less clingy and whingey.

And it does get better. By the time my dd was 4 years old, I felt like I was a fraud saying that I was a mother.

Hope you can find some work. It is very respectable to be a SAHM, but we aren't all cut out for it.

at 2.5 - 3 years for me. That was the age when my 2 dc started sleeping properly though the night. When I had dd1 and one of my old friends had told me she hadn't slept properly for 10 years while her 3 dc were small I simply didn't believe her. Now I do!

Actually, I have pretty much been a zombie for the last 7 years as dd1 just started sleeping properly and I got pg with dd2.

So, I feel your pain. But it will get better. Just hang in for a little longer!

It gets easier when they start school.

oh - and on the sleeping arrangements. I co-slept with dd2 until about 15 months. Then we ended up putting her in her own bed but she kept waking and wanting to come in with us etc. She was also trying to climb out of her cot. So at about 18 months we put her in a bed with a bed guard instead. She would sleep in her bed for a while and then potter into our room and get in ours. It was a squash but she slept fine and sometimes I didn't even notice she was there!

Finally, after a lot of encouragement she now sleeps through in her bed (hooray!)

Don't know if it will work for you but it was a lifesaver for me.

I found over 3 things got a lot better, I feel as though every 6 months dd gets a bit more independent and the things i find hard like the tantrums and refusals get less. 18 months to 2.5 was not a great age - she didn't understand much but you can't just pick them up and cart them off easily when refusing to do something/anything. I find work a lot easier and a really necessary break. Forge ahead with your job hunt and make it clear to dh adjustments are needed. My dh works long hours and weekends but when he's around,
I wouldn't accept him acting like he was useless and he pulls his weight.

DS2 was the fussiest eater ever, my health visitor told me to cut right down on his milk and his eating would improve. I thought to myself it can't be as simple as that because he was so fussy but I gave it a go and she was so right.

I had two non-sleepers. I think a lot of what you're feeling is sleep deprivation, which is a killer.

Just a suggestion but at this age I forced my two to drop their nap, or if they fell asleep in the car etc woke them as soon as possible. The first week or so was really tough and they were exhausted but it made a huge difference to their sleep. Ds was a sleep through the night but early (very early!) riser, dd was a wake loads in the night type. Worked for both of them.

Probably the reason why your ds wants you rather than dh is force of habit if dh does very little with him. If you are at breaking point, why not ask dh to take ds out to the park or something for an hour at the weekend? If he is away from you they both learn to deal with each other without you stepping in and you get a bit of a break, maybe a nap etc.

Mine are now 5 and 8, it gets a lot lot easier! They still don't sleep well but at least can lie in bed quietly and read a book and there is a lot less of the grinding physicality day to day.

Age 6-12 was a lot easier - then it got really hard again!

OP have you tried not feeding at night?

It does get better. My son is 2 years 9 months now and I literally cannot believe the change in him in the last 3-4 months. He is so much more independent and can play on his own a lot more. A year ago I felt like you - unwilling SAHM due to relocation abroad, tapped out from endless toddler clinginess and entertaining, high energy DS who didn't do 'downtime', little help from DH as he travels a lot and works long hours. I was at my wits end and, as you say, a lot of people in my parenting circles were having their second and I was just boggling at the idea of having another when my DS was so much work.

Now he is so much better. He can play on his own, he has a great imagination, talks away to me all the time, will happily sit and 'read' his books on the morning rather than standing by my bed at 5am squawking at me. There's a kid-friendly restaurant near us with a supervised playroom and a year ago I used to go there on weekends when my DH was traveling to try to get a break for an hour. He would never stay in the playroom but just would cry for me and I 'd have to give up and leave and take him out. This weekend my DH was traveling again so I went there intending to have breakfast with my DS and then go to a park, no intention to use the playroom at all. Well, he ditched me as soon as we got there and he saw the playroom. He ate two bites of his breakfast and then said 'I wanna go play with toys now!' leaving me feeling like a date that had been stood up . I had to drag him out of there am hour later, he didn't want to leave!

So things do get better. I have made friends with a couple of other mothers who all have high energy, demanding toddlers, and we were all saying how life is getting a bit easier as they get closer to 3. Sleep, eating, tantrums all start to get better. No guarantees of course but that's been my experience. I hope it gets easier for you too! I am expecting DC2 now so that's how much of a different frame of mind I'm in now compared to when DS was 18 months-2 years.

That's a really good suggestion about the early shift in the morning… I could ask but I think I'd get an incredulous look as DH would want his space to get ready for work I suspect!

My DS has to leave to catch the train. He breakfasts the older two and gets the middle one dressed and also gets the baby up and nappy changed and fed whilst DiL has her shower otherwise she'd never get one.

It is doable.

We do similar to what NannyOgg describes (are you my MIL?!). we both work compressed hours / shifts, so whoever is getting up anyway for work does the getting up / breakfasting bit. Lots of people manage this, including having a shower while toddler plays on floor / puts everything from washing basket in bath, so I'm sure your DH could manage it if he chose to!

My DH also tells me people are a lot more sympathetic / forgiving / helpful of / to men with kids. It's like they get bonus points just for trying, even if kid is playing up a bit, whereas if it were a woman, people seem to have more expectations that you shld just get on with it and cope!

I'm sure your DH wants his space to get ready for work. He can have his space when his child is old enough to look after itself.

Is part of you so conflicted about being a SAHM that you almost feel bad if you don't feel terrible IYSWIM? I got so used to being flat-out martyred that it was almost a let-down when I wasn't so tired and I actually had to be grateful to someone else.

For us, 3.5 was a big jump - I finally felt able to let ds go upstairs and play by himself for a little bit without having every antenna on end. I have to say that he didn't, though, not on his own - which is why I spent so much time with other people's children. I also remember 23 September 2006 which was the first day I sat down in a playground - ds was just over 2.5. So you are getting near to some improvement. Not near enough right now though.

DH is going to have to step up. He's just going to have to. I would hand the problem over to him - what would he do? The 'default' thing is the killer - that if you actively ask him, he will attempt something (the 'Mummy see' is classic though) but if you are there and not actively refusing to look after the child, he assumes you will do it. THIS HAS TO STOP. Set up his times when he takes the child OUT and lets you have some time; also start an evening class (I started three) or a solo trip to the flicks, or a Mum's Beers evening (every fortnight round our way, the intervening week is the Dads' Beers) so that you start having some fun and he gets to mooch about and hang out with the little one too. If he looks horrified, just laugh. Tell him how in the early days your brain ached with everything you had to learn, but you did it, and it seems pretty odd that in two years he hasn't learned it. Then shout Bye and close the door firmly on your way out. And don't quiz him in detail when you get back. Trust the man you had a baby with.

These days your DH will find there is a huge amount of man-to-man bonding over fatherhood at work, so turning up late with porridge down his leg won't be the disaster he perhaps imagines.

It's easier when they are sleeping!!