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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL slagged my family off

30 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 30/06/2014 12:28

My MIL stayed for the weekend for our DS birthday. We went to my aunts for a party as in pregnant with 2 young children she offered to do it for us so i could relax more. My MIL was asked if she wanted to come and she said she would. She knew about this in advance of her stay.

When we were there she seemed to enjoy herself and i made a point of sitting with her so she didn't feel uncomfortable but when we got back on the night i became ill and ended up upstairs most of the night to be by the bathroom. I could here her slagging off the day. She said things like it was to OTT and didn't understand why we were all given presents (my aunt gave everyone a little something such as a nice piece of soap etc) my MIL also went on about the food and said she only cut up a bit of onion and peppers etc. To make it worse my DH joined in with what she was saying and agreeing with her.

She said that people with money are not everything and her garden is as nice as my aunts as if its a competition and just before we come home we sat in the front room to have a drink and she said it was like sitting in a court room. She said something negative about each family member. Then she went on about our wedding which was 8 years ago saying my other aunt( who has now passed away) asked her to wait to go into the reception room as she said myself and DH should see it first, my aunt has spent all morning decorating the room as we had reception in a pub so had to have help with decorating room. My MIL was upset with this, i didn't have a clue at the time. She has also criticised the content of our DS christening saying it was to long etc.

this caused a fallout with dh and i when his mom went home as i said it made me feel like every occasion we have there is a problem with his mom and it has left a bad taste in my mouth. It has also made my sons birthday feel like a farce as i thought she had enjoyed herself. Feel quite upset about it all as we have had alot of help from my family with DIY etc and none from ILs and which is fine but i said to my DH if he felt like that about my family then why accept the help.

feel rubbish at the moment. Do you think im blowing it out of proportion? Sorry longer than i thought!

OP posts:

MaxPepsi · 30/06/2014 12:30

Your MIL is jealous of your family.

Ignore her.

StarSwirl92 · 30/06/2014 12:31

That's awful. YANBU and your husband should be very ashamed of himself. Terrible behaviour.

Luggagecarousel · 30/06/2014 12:31

Don't let her rant upset you.

Either she is a cow who stores up imaginary slights for years, judges everyone and acts like a snob.

Or she is a normal person who for some reason (hormonal???) had a very bad tempered bitchy afternoon out of character.

Either way, she is the one with the problem.

CanaryYellow · 30/06/2014 12:33

Your MIL and DH sound like a pair of gobshites. I'd be more upset and disgusted with my DH than MIL tbh if he did something like this. And there's no way my MIL would be made welcome to stay any more.

movingsoon23 · 30/06/2014 12:36

Sounds like your family have more money and this makes your MIL feel inferior. She's balancing her feelings of jealousy by reasoning that the things she can't have (posh birthday party) are not that great anyway. Its reverse snobbery - if anything feel sorry for her. She's letting her own insecurities show.

Heels99 · 30/06/2014 12:38

Email,
Hi mil. Hope your journey back went ok, dcs really enjoyed seeing you this weekend and how lovely that you were able to come to ds birthday. I understand though that you didn't enjoy it, how disappointing for you! It must be ghastly to sit through a party that you aren't enjoying and how disappointing that you felt same about our wedding and dcs christening. Perhaps celebrations aren't your thing? We'll be sure to bear that in mind for future!
Have a great week, see you soon
Dil

Then I wouldn't invite her to anything again. If dh chooses to invite her, up to him. I wouldn't even mention her name in connection to events, like as not dh is not the main organiser of events in your family, leave everything up to him in connection to your mil from now on. If she does attend any, dh can look after her. She doesn't appreciate effort so don't give her any. You enjoy future events and leave her to be jealous and sour by herself.

PeachyParisian · 30/06/2014 12:38

She does sound vey jealous indeed!

JoyceDivision · 30/06/2014 12:38

If your DH has joined in and agred with all his mums chuntering, then Iwould pack a bag and tell him to go ssat with her then they can both sit in her lovely garden

Your MIL sounds jealous,and I would go out of my way to nmot seeher asoften and exclude her from events, and if she akss why tell her you heard her slegging off the party and family and if that's her attitude you are doing her afavout by notincluding her

seriously, you need to talk to your dh and point out how out of order he is, infact, if he aghrees with your mum tell him to have some balls and ring your auntie and tell her wheat he and his mumthinks... think you'll find he might back tracka bit then

KirjavaTheCat · 30/06/2014 12:38

I'd write MIL off as a bitter, jealous cow and be focusing my attention on DH.

He should have defended you and your family - which are also his family too, now. And you're right, if he feels this way about your family he should have refused the help. Which makes him a hypocrite as well as a gossip. Tut tut.

CoffeeTea103 · 30/06/2014 12:38

Your aunt and family sound lovely! Off course your mil is jealous, why else would she try to pick on perfectly good situations. I would be extremely upset if my DH was sitting there and agreeing with her. He's happy to enjoy the help but behave so two faced.

Holdthepage · 30/06/2014 12:39

No I would be furious too. She is jealous of your family & being spiteful. Don't invite her to stay in future & if she asks tell her why.

Your DH however needs to start apologising for his behaviour.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 30/06/2014 12:41

I said that to my DH that i don't want her to stay when its our childrens birthdays etc as there is always a problem. Its not that i don't want to include her i have always asked and thought she was happy. It did come accross as jealous when there was no need but feel she ruined the day and i was shocked by the things she was saying and even though i felt ill i didn't want to go downstairs in my own house and sit with them like everything was ok. At our wedding she went after eating so about 5.00 in afternoon and both boys christenings she left early for one and didn't even come back for food for the other one even though she said she would so catered etc.

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 30/06/2014 12:43

She slagged off your aunt because she gave your MiL a gift???. Good grief that's rude.

Nomama · 30/06/2014 12:43

Oh leave the poor man alone. He has had that to contend with for the whole of his life. I bet agreeing with her is how he copes and avoids setting her off - which he would have been desperate to do with you feeling pukey and all!

Yes he should have defended you and your family, but I can't bring myself to condemn him under those circumstances.

Tell him off, tell him you felt really betrayed. Ask him how he thinks you should deal with his mum in the future...

OvertiredandConfused · 30/06/2014 12:46

My MiL is like this. She's got gradually worse over the last 15 years. the result is that we see her less and DH and I are exceptionally careful about how we react to what she says.

It does cause tensions sometimes, especially when I think DH is being neutral when he should support me. But it's a shitty situation. She's in her late 70s and lives 2 hours away. Now only visits a handful of times per year.

Suspect she'll be lonely at Christmas as she's said she won't come if my family are around. DH and I agree that, as there's no basis for her ever-increasing and irrational dislike of my family, both sides of the family are welcome as normal and if either one choose to stay away, that's their problem.

I suggest you talk to your DH and agree a future strategy for him to support you - it may be ignoring, deflecting or calling her on it - as long as the two of you are on the same page it's manageable. But him joining in isn't on.

HecatePropylaea · 30/06/2014 12:50

your mother in law sounds like either she's jealous of anyone who she perceives as having more than her and so slags them off in order to make herself feel better or she's one of these awful two faced people who smiles at you so nicely then tears into you behind your back.

As for your husband - either he is a chip off the old block, or he is spineless and felt compelled to agree with mummy in order to gain her approval. Not sure which is worse, really. But yes, if he does claim to feel so negatively about them, then certainly he should accept nothing further from them.

He should certainly justify his contribution to the conversation with her. What did he say when you challenged him on it?

hamptoncourt · 30/06/2014 12:50

Is DH always prone to agree with everything his mummy says?

Or do you think he genuinely has issues with your family?

Either way I would be tempted to tell him to fuck off and stay with MIL for a bit whilst I had a think about how to proceed.

ithoughtofitfirst · 30/06/2014 12:55

I wish I could go back in time and confront every snidey bitchy remark my MIL said to me. Or maybe just the first one or two and then, when It became quite clear she didn't know how to behave herself, cut contact with her.

You don't have to put up with shit off people if you can't handle it for whatever reason. I certainly can't.

Deverethemuzzler · 30/06/2014 12:58

It can be hard for even adult children to disagree with their parents and it might be tough for our OH to challenge his mum on her bad behaviour.

I am pretty assertive but I just can't stand up to my DM. I really just can't. Maybe your OH is the same?

I expect your MIL has thoroughly enjoyed all the occasions she merrily slagged off. Some people can't get through life without bitching and gossiping.

Don't let her upset you. Your family sound lovely and thoughtful. That means a lot. It probably makes your MIL more aware of her own shortcomings.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 30/06/2014 13:04

When i told him i heard what had been said he said so i suppose you are going to be in a mood with me then! We do need a chat. I asked him how he would have felt if the situation had been the other way round and he had overheard me talking about his family and he didn't say anything.

OP posts:

Lilaclily · 30/06/2014 13:04

How did you manage to overhear all that when you were ill & being sick in the bathroom !

It us awful what you heard but if you hadn't eavesdropped you'd be in blissful ignorance today & would think that the weekend had been a success!

Icimoi · 30/06/2014 13:06

I agree your MIL is just jealous, and maybe feels inadequate in the face of the fact that your family has a closer relationship with you and the DC.

Not sure about your husband. When you say he agreed, was it a matter of enthusiastically joining in with the slagging off? Or was it a matter of just occasionally saying "Mmm" whilst blatantly not listening; or just agreeing in order to keep the peace? If either of the latter it's maybe understandable, though I agree he should have made a push to defend your family.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 30/06/2014 13:10

I wasn't eavesdropping and i wasn't being sick it was upset stomach. She was talking loudly and she had had alot to drink so her mouth ran away with her. I have heard her like this about other people and she can be very bitter. She is very 2 faced but didn't imagine her to do it in my own house about my family when she had acted so differently in the day.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 30/06/2014 13:12

She's a prize cunt. She's not worth you worrying about.

Tell your DH that if he agrees with her that's his prerogative, but you'd rather he didn't say so out loud, when it's about your family, in your house.

And I wouldn't have her to stay again, either.

Lilaclily · 30/06/2014 13:13

Aw okay then :(

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