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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think True Friends Don't Act Like This

44 replies

Zilverblue · 29/06/2014 20:24

Met a woman at a mutual friend's houseparty and she contacted me to see if I wanted to meet up for coffee. Did so and got on quite well. Then went to see a film together, I was quite busy but made time although to be honest it wasn't really my taste in films, but appreciated she was being friendly and making an effort. So I've known her about six months.

We are friends on FB and she put a comment loosely relating to my field of work (think psychology-related). It was incorrect, so I commented, gently, so as to correct it. A male friend of hers then engaged with me directly, telling me I was wrong and suggesting some reading material (ie internet sites) where I could "learn about the subject". I reiterated my point and backed it up with written sources, etc.. He argued with this and I again corrected it. I thought I was fairly polite, considering I didn't know him, didn't engage him myself and he was a total arse.

Female friend must have been observing this, as after a couple of days she sent me a lengthy pm telling me she had deleted the thread. It was quite critical of me, telling me my sources were impossible to find, I was "harsh" and shouldn't criticise her friends or speak to them like that. It went on a bit in this vein. I ignored the pm but inwardly seethed and I let it go a while so the red mist wouldn't control my response. After 4 weeks, I sent her a pm saying that I had many good friends and none of them criticised me as much as she did, that there was nothing wrong with my knowledge of my own subject and she might want to apply her own judgemental criticism to herself at times. I invited her to defriend me. She has now done so.

Am I BU to find her judgemental? I actually think I'm quite good at taking criticism where its due but there was something about this that just wound me up. I feel bad because she went out of her way to make friends with me.

OP posts:
shakinstevenslovechild · 29/06/2014 20:27

YWBU to correct her, even gently, for all to see. I would have found that very rude indeed.

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2014 20:31

Was she critical of you prior to the FB spat? You don't say so earlier in the post.

I'm a little Hmm that it took you 4 weeks to sufficiently calm down to pen a response. I'd be a bit taken aback at getting a reply a month hence if I were her.

That said, sounds like a bit of a storm in a teacup and probably no great loss. Smile

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 29/06/2014 20:32

I think it was a bit arrogant of you to post on her facebook and correct her. Like you said it was only loosely related to what you do. Unless it was wildly insulting or offensive you should have kept you trap shut.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 29/06/2014 20:33

Curious though what the subject was about!

LynetteScavo · 29/06/2014 20:33

You waited 4 weeks to respond, and then told her no one else criticed her as much as she did (that is harsh!), and invited her to de-friend you?

Of course she de-freinded you!!!

I'm not sure why you even bothered getting into the argument with her friend, who is a stranger to you. You probably were harsh, tbh.

I'm not sure this woman was judgmental....and certainly no more so than you.

I'm not surprised you feel bad.

LynetteScavo · 29/06/2014 20:34

You waited 4 weeks to respond, and then told her no one else criticised you as much as she did (that is harsh!), and invited her to de-friend you?

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 29/06/2014 20:35

FB. Why?

Original poster
Zilverblue · 29/06/2014 20:35

I got the impression she was a bit judgemental, as if she was always sort of observing you all the time. She seems mainly to have male friends, not female. As far as I can tell.

When I say I "corrected" her, I didn't post and say she was wrong, I simply put up a posting with a different viewpoint, clearly explained, but with quite a light touch. Then when male friend of hers argued, gave sources.

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 29/06/2014 20:36

I actually think I'm quite good at taking criticism

Disagree

Original poster
Zilverblue · 29/06/2014 20:38

The subject was to do with rehabilitation of offenders, and their views were very politically motivated and not very mainstream.

OP posts:
meganorks · 29/06/2014 20:38

I think YABU to be honest. There isn't a way to 'gently correct' someone on Facebook. Tone is very hard to convey. People put all sorts of bollocks on Facebook. It is only worth correcting if
A) they are being a massive offensive arsehole and you will be quite happy to lose them as a Facebook friend
B) they are really good friend who you know really well and you know they take your comments in the right vein.

Regardless though, getting into an argument on someone else's status update isn't on!

wafflyversatile · 29/06/2014 20:39

'True Friends' - I'd say it was a fledgeling friendship that didn't work out. I'm not sure what else there is to say on the matter. She posted her opinion on her page. You disagreed on her page. He disagreed with you. Her sensitivity to you arguing with her male friend might have more to do with your first post being in disagreement with her, rather than just with him.

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2014 20:41

I got the impression she was a bit judgemental, as if she was always sort of observing you all the time

Can you elaborate on that? "A bit judgemental" is poles apart from what you told her, viz, that no other friends criticise you as much as she does.

avocadogreen · 29/06/2014 20:42

Hmmm I am struggling to think of a situation where I would correct someone on facebook... it's a bit rude unless they have said something clearly offensive/contraversial or if they are actually asking for a debate. I have some light banter with my tory mate (who is lovely despite her awful taste in politics) at election time occasionally but that's about it.

Sounds like she overrected though!

NoodleOodle · 29/06/2014 20:43

Sounds like a friendship that just wasn't meant to be. I'd try to forget it.

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2014 20:43

The subject was to do with rehabilitation of offenders, and their views were very politically motivated and not very mainstream

That doesn't really sound like the kind of subject I'd want to start debating with strangers on FB tbh.

emsyj · 29/06/2014 20:45

The friendship was too new to withstand you making a non-fluffy comment on Facebook. Without seeing exactly what was posted it's impossible to pass any comment or judgment, but really when her other friend decided to disagree you should have just pretended not to see the comment and said nothing further if you wanted to keep friendly with her. As my DMum would say, "keep it light".

Still, you don't seem to like her much or to be too sorry about the demise of the friendship. You were social friends for 6 months, she isn't a 'true friend' in any sense - just a bit more than an acquaintance. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

WashingFanatic · 29/06/2014 20:45

I don't think you were bu to correct something, especially if it was leading or could have had implications.

Similar has happened to me. A FB friend put up a status about PPI reclaiming, basically saying you HAD to use a company to reclaim as banks take you more seriously and deal with the case more quickly. I KNOW this is incorrect because I'm an external audit manager for a number of banks and work closely with the departments that manage PPI reclaims. So I corrected politely and put the correct information. Some clever twat then started arguing that i was wrong, being very pa. I just replied with 'we'll have to agree to disagree then' and left it.

It's not worth getting into a dispute that will show on a friends wall. Know when to walk away.

I do think your reply after a month was very ott. And inviting someone to defriend you is a bit odd.

Original poster
Zilverblue · 29/06/2014 20:46

Pumpkin Can you elaborate on that? "A bit judgemental" is poles apart from what you told her, viz, that no other friends criticise you as much as she does

Um well when we went for a coffee, she sort of asks you questions about what you think about things, without giving any answers about herself and sort of just says "hmmn". When we were deciding on a film to see, she said "Hmmn, so you don't like arthouse films then", "hmmn, you like sci-fi" and so on. Just like she is always judging you.

I have plenty of good friends and I can't imagine them ever sending me a lengthy pm pointing out my various faults in detail, telling me how to behave and basically stating that I am professionally incompetent. I'm just not going to let someone speak to me like that.

I guess I just don't like her and am kind of glad I'm defriended, as I didn't want the guilt of doing it myself. I like being friends with a lot of people though and its a shame.

OP posts:
WashingFanatic · 29/06/2014 20:47

The subject was to do with rehabilitation of offenders, and their views were very politically motivated and not very mainstream

This doesn't sound like a debate with a black/white answer tbh. More a 'number of different approaches' subject. If that was the case ywbu.

VSeth · 29/06/2014 20:50

Tbh after the initial correction post you probably sounded a bit unhinged to continue arguing your point to a stranger. Do you always have to be right and have the final word?

VitoCorleone · 29/06/2014 20:51

To be honest if i wrote some twaddle on FB and some know-it-all came and corrected me id be like this Hmm

LadySybilLikesCake · 29/06/2014 20:51

She wasn't a 'true friend', she was an aquaintance, someone you barely know. You don't correct people unless they are your child or you've known them years. Sorry, OP. Live and learn.

CoffeeTea103 · 29/06/2014 22:39

You hardly know her very well, so 'true friend' seems a bit ott. Also, you came across as a know it all so I would be irritated with that too. When she offers suggestions it doesn't seem like she's judging you. All in all you seem like a bit of hard work so best she defriended you.

DoJo · 29/06/2014 23:09

I like a bit of FB debate as much as the next person, and manage to engage in friendly disagreement, occasionally with friend of friends that I don't actually know, without anybody feeling aggrieved. However, waiting four weeks to reply to a message seems really odd. If you find someone criticising you so hard to deal with that it takes a month for your 'red mist' to clear, then you probably shouldn't engage in discussions on Facebook. The fact that your 'good friends' don't criticise you is neither here nor there (although it does perhaps explain why you find it so hard to be disagreed with, or even WHY your friends don't enter into this kind of debate with you) - she can disagree with you if she likes. If you had valid criticisms of her, then you should have broached them with her when they arose rather than throwing them at her in response to her message.
All in all, it sounds like you two are better off not being 'friends' and perhaps consider how you come across. Even your representation of yourself in your OP makes you sound defensive and a bit chippy, which presumably is not what you were going for, so maybe it's just your writing style or the lack of tone online which doesn't do you any favours.

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