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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just walked in after watching football last night.

58 replies

worriedathome · 29/06/2014 19:23

Last night my DP went to watch the football with some friends. So as not to drip feed I was irritated because I had organised my Mum to babysit so I could go out with some friends to celebrate my birthday that was last week but due to her being ill I had no one to look after my son. Anyway he decided that his night couldn't change so went out at 8.

In the morning about 10 I called his Mum to see if he had stayed there. But she said no he must be somewhere drunk and sometimes you have to let men go and stay out.

I spoke to his friends wife this morning at 11 and she was also irritated with friend because they didn't arrive home until 8 and have left them waiting for them that evening in a club. The friend told me he had left the club at 6 with some other people.

I cancelled my Dad coming round for lunch and decided to go out with him and my son instead as I didn't want to be in when he walked in the house. At 3.30 he messaged to say he had just woken up and was about 20 mins down the road. Well he has literally just walked in the house and is angry that I don't want to speak to him. I am so unbelievably angry and don't want to argue in front of my son. He just doesn't give a fuck.

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 29/06/2014 20:05

'Sometimes you have to let men go and stay out' - wtf? He is not a fucking tomcat!

Ask him how he would react if you had acted as he did last night?

Itsfab · 29/06/2014 20:06

Would he have come home if your child had been taken ill?

Ronmione · 29/06/2014 20:13

Tbh he's a twat, but he's not going to enage with you, he's ignoring you to wind you up even more, possibly to manipulate you into saying something you might regret, which he can then pick up on and the whole sorry situation will end up being your fault or your over reacting. Therefore taking the heat off him.

Fuck him. Ignore the twat. Play him at his own game. Go to your bedroom ( with mumsnet) and leave him too it.

Make him come to you. And while he's playing the 'what did I do card" think about what you really want to do.

FiveExclamations · 29/06/2014 20:16

I'd guess he's refusing to engage because he knows he is BU but doesn't want to admit it.

If you really can't bear to be around him is there anywhere that you and DS could go and leave him to stew?

ApocalypseThen · 29/06/2014 20:19

I don't want to tell you what to do or how to feel, but I don't like the idea that he gets to pick and choose when he's part of a family, and when he's not.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 29/06/2014 20:23

Oh my ex used to do the 'pretend i'm dealing with something very serious on my phone' thing when he had been an arsehole and i wa telling him to shape up. Refused to engage. Basicaly because he knew he was wrong and couldnt be arsed hearing it from me or apologising. Its an asshole trait.

EverythingCounts · 29/06/2014 20:29

Agree with Ron. Ignore him completely. Go and watch tv with headphones on or something so you don't have to interact.

Just for background, is it your house, his or joint?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 29/06/2014 20:33

Ronmione
Spot on with He's ignoring you to wind you up even more, possibly to manipulate you into saying something you might regret, which he can then pick up on and the whole sorry situation will end up being your fault....
Fuck him, ignore the twat

Original poster
worriedathome · 29/06/2014 20:35

He's not dealing with anything on his phone walked past and can see his looking at football articles. I've asked him to leave he is refusing and Ignoring me like nothing has happened.

He has no respect for me and didn't even bother to go and say goodnight to our son. I just feel like the biggest idiot out there I don't want to argue. I don't want to feel like this. Some people might think I am overreacting I just feel so hurt that he had so little respect he can't even be bothered to say a word or just go and give me some space.

I don't want to make some big show and start screaming and shouting but inside I feel like I am burning up I am that angry and all he does is minimise it. This is just the last in a long line of things where he has shown me he has no respect.

When I imagine a family and a relationship this doesn't feel right.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedathome · 29/06/2014 20:40

Everything (sorry don't know how to bold) it is just my name on the tenancy but we live here together and I don't throw the fact it is just my flat in his face.

TBH I think it isn't just this one incident I'm not happy with him just don't know how to deal with the fallout of breaking up. We do have some good times but they are few and far between at the moment (I'm finishing off my PGCE this week so have been bombarded with work but his attitude to that is a whole other thread) I'm only 28 don't know how I can deal with a whole lifetime of this crap.

OP posts:
KeepOnPloddingOn · 29/06/2014 20:42

Well , if this is yet another incident showing no respect to you- as you say, I would kick him out as you wish.

phantomnamechanger · 29/06/2014 20:42

have you got somewhere YOU could go OP, for some breathing space, let him know you are serious? that THIS is serious and he needs to get a better attitude all round if he wants to share a life with you.

hamptoncourt · 29/06/2014 20:43

If it is just your name on the tenancy and you are not married I believe you can just ask him to leave and call cops if he doesn't.........

Up to you how far you want to take it. You sound very unhappy though and he sounds awful.

FiveExclamations · 29/06/2014 20:46

"...didn't even bother to go and say goodnight to our son." So he's punishing his child as well as you, however angry you are OP it really isn't too much. I'm not suggesting you start screaming and shouting because I think other posters are right, he wants you to go nuts so he can say you're the unreasonable one. I agree with others, if he wont go and you don't have anywhere for you and your son to go, ignore him. Though I'd probably walk up to him first and say with icy calm "You are bang out of order and you know it, you know where to find me when you are ready to admit it and apologise."

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 29/06/2014 20:46

Ok so you tell him to leave now and if he doesnt you te him that he doesnt have a choice, the house is in your name only and the police will escort him out based on that. You dont have to have anyone in your house who you no longer wish to have there. It doesnt matter how welcoming you have been in letting him stay and abuse your trust as he has done. If you say go then he has to go. He doesnt get a choice. Get him out and use the space to decide wheter you can see a future for you and he as a couple.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 29/06/2014 20:49

Worried Please read your posts.

There are few happy times.
He doesn't respect you.
Hasn't a thought for his son.
The relationship doesn't feel right.
You don't want a life time of this.

Break ups are difficult but that doesn't mean you have to settle.
You have every right to be happy and respected in your relationship. You and your son deserve it.

Either sit down with DP and go through what is wrong and ask for change/compromise or realise you deserve more than this and ask him to leave.
Your name is on the flat and he should respect that it is his son's home and do the decent thing.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 29/06/2014 20:49

I was 28 when I left my ex DP.
Traumatic at the time.
Best year of my life.

Guitargirl · 29/06/2014 20:50

OP - it is up to you how far you want to take this. But I get that his refusal to leave is another marker of his lack of respect.

It's not as though he wouldn't have anywhere to go, he can go to his mother. Or back to wherever he was last night.

fancyacupoftea · 29/06/2014 20:53

If he's not sorry or thinks he's done nothing wrong then this definitely will not be the last time. Nobody is going to tell you to leave him for good because that's only your decision, but it sounds like you've already made your mind up and just want us to reassure you it's the right decision.

So... YANBU. Do what is best for you and DS.

Original poster
worriedathome · 29/06/2014 20:54

I have told him and he just ignores me and says he isn't going anywhere. I don't want to call the police on him I don't even want to argue just want some space. If I were him I would have read my son a story and if I were that adamant I want going would at least start the washing up or something I know the washing up sounds trivial but he doesn't do a lot in the house other than moan about the way I wash clothes or that I don't always serve him the food I cooked when I get home from work. I just feel so tired and broken down I don't feel like the person I was before I was with him. We broke up for a time last summer and although it hurt I started to feel like me again.

OP posts:
Humansatnav · 29/06/2014 20:58

Yes, send him back to his mummy. His behaviour is awful.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 29/06/2014 21:03

Tell him to leave. Don't ask.

'DP I need you to leave and give me space. I would rather you did this without argument but I am willing to call the police and have you removed. You have 15 minutes to gather some things together then leave. If you don't I will be calling the police.'

Take your phone and go upstairs.
If he hasn't left then call the police.
This man does not take you seriously OP and he never will. If you want your relationship to change then only you can change it because it is clear he is happy to walk all over you.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 29/06/2014 21:05

Ok well go to your room and just ignore him. Would you consider giving notice on the house and finding somewhere new? He would either have to take over the tenancy or leave on the date the notice was up. And he would have no 'claim' on your new place. I.e: he would becer have lived there so would t be able to walk in and sit down as if it's his home. Alternatively- you could have your locks changed tomorrow when he is at work. (Easier than moving house and cheaper)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 29/06/2014 21:06
Brew Ignore him for now. Work on your plan to have him move out. In your position I would seek legal advice. Women's aid, cab, some local children's centres have drop in lawyer's sessions. Softly softly catchy monkey
hamptoncourt · 29/06/2014 21:06

Exactly. Tell him he either leaves or you call police.

I bet he will leave - huffily. You need to take back some control here or just roll over and be his doormat.