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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel this way about my dad's g/f?

52 replies

Stengor · 29/06/2014 09:44

Mum died 15 yrs ago and dad was on his own until 3 yrs ago when he announced that he had a g/f. Sis and I were delighted until he said that she was 47, just 1 yr older than me (felt weird!). He was 80 at that time. They met out dog walking when she approached him saying ‘are you on your own? So am I’. It was just after her second divorce and her house was about to be repossessed. She tried to move into my dad’s 4 bed house, but we managed to persuade him it was a bad idea to live with someone he didn’t know that well. We were suspicious of her motives because, much as we love him, he’s hardly a stud muffin. He is almost deaf, has rotten teeth (he pulled most of his teeth out with pliers), isn’t exactly hygienic and stinks of dog. He has never been sociable and has no friends. She has been on benefits for years and dad pays for all her fags, booze (and she drinks a lot!) and clothes etc., as well as ferrying her around in his car. But we took that view that if she made him happy, who were we to interfere? We only met her once and left them to get on with it. They were always splitting up and getting back together again, most recently because he found out she was seeing her first ex and my dad on alternate weeks! But he still took her back. Got a call from her a month ago to say dad had bad food poisoning and she had called for an ambulance and would be staying in his house to look after his dog. Dad had an obstructed bowel and had life saving surgery. When he was coming around in ICU the next day, he made it clear to us he wasn’t very happy about her being in his house alone, but felt indebted to her, but we got her out very nicely (sure you’d love to go home...my kids would love it if I took dog to my house). I told his g/f that I could take her to hospital with me whenever she wanted as was passing her town on the way. We tried to be friendly for my dad’s sake (I even topped up her mobile phone for her...I’m as taken in by sob stories as my dad).. She came once and then made every excuse as to why she couldn’t visit (dentist, bad tummy, allergy to hair dye, blood poisoning). Two weeks later, and no more visits from her (and to cut a long story short), dad realised that she had stolen his door keys some time ago. He had suspected someone else and changed the locks, but things fell into place. He told me to tell her not to visit him again and told the staff independently at the hospital that he was frightened to go home because she has ‘funny turns and just flips’ and he is worried that she will harm him (push down stairs). I told her politely that dad doesn’t want her to visit and that he needs time to recover. But she has been leaving vile voice texts on my phone almost daily ever since and says that he will believe her and not me when he gets home. I didn’t respond to any until last night when I just snapped and sent her some back. the first one starting ‘Do not flatter yourself. You did not save my father’s life, a team of highly skilled and intelligent medical specialists saved his life. You just dialled 3 digits on phone’. He should be out this week with a care package in place. Nurses reported matter to matron in charge of safeguarding, but not much she can do. I don’t know what to do. I would like to keep her away from him, but I wouldn’t know how or even if I should be feeling this way. Am I being unreasonable? Should I let my dad sort this out for himself?

OP posts:
TheBloodManCometh · 29/06/2014 09:53

No practical advice from me OP, sorry. But sending virtual support; she sounds like a piece of work.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 29/06/2014 09:56

If you've asked her to stop contacting you (and if you haven't then do) and she continues, then you could report her to the police for harassment (as could your dad).

It might be worth giving them a call on 101 and telling them your dad is frightened and vulnerable, and is there anything they can do to help.

If nothing else, they would already know the story if you did need to call them urgently.

She sounds vile. Your poor dad.

Make sure her number is blocked on all his phones, and that he can call you anytime day or night.

Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2014 09:59

She sounds like many other alcoholics who latched on to vulnerable people.

Is your Dad string enough to have it put to him that she is a user, an addict and he isn't doing her any favours by giving her money/enabling her.

There are different ways of putting things, depending on his emotional state and how he is, in himself.

I would consider getting the police involved, she is harassing you.

Don't pussy foot around her, I've had experience of these people and don't underestimate how far these people (whether you view them as Scum, or Addicts) will go.

She's found a money tree and will continue to take what she can.

Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2014 10:01

Just to add I had an older platonic male friend who was in a similar position as your Dad.

He let me handle his money for a while.

His new "friends" were welcome to come to me, if needed, of course.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/06/2014 10:03

Have you changed his locks? Are social services involved?

I think it's potentially worth reporting her harassment of you to the police if it continues.

PervyMuskrat · 29/06/2014 10:03

On a practical note, have you changed the locks so she can't get in with the stolen door keys?

MaryWestmacott · 29/06/2014 10:06

Definately change the locks today, can someone stay with him for a while so if she turns up, he doesn't need to deal with it?

Also speak to the police, he's a vunerable elderly man.

Stengor · 29/06/2014 10:06

Thank you so much for your replies! Fuck you, can you block a number on a landline? Not sure he would do it though as although he is frightened of her, I think he is also afraid of losing her.

At first, he said he never wanted to see her again, now he's saying he just wants her to stay away until he is strong enough to defend himself. She can be very violent. He took her to Tesco a while back and she had a fall and went to hospital. They kept her in for a few days. She accused nurses of stealing her money and punched one of them, then called the doctor a fat bastard when he tried to help. Security were called and she managed to break free from two big burly guys. When they tried to scan her brain, she accused them all of trying to kill her. My dad witnessed all of this, so he knows what she is capable of.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2014 10:06

I had forgotten shed stolen his keys.

Stop thinking of her as a GF.

Report to the police.

At first I thought this was going to be about the age difference, because I am of a similar age to this woman and would consider a relationship with an older man, who I had shared interests with (I'm a dog owner).

This isn't that situation, though.

Montybojangles · 29/06/2014 10:07

So are there now new locks to which she has no keys?

Perhaps write her a polite but to the point letter explaining that your father has requested no further contact from her, and that she is not to keep contacting you any longer. Keep a copy. Log contacts and keep a record of what is said.

You are able to contact the local SOVA team yourself if you have concerns that your father may be at risk of abuse or exploitation as a vulnerable adult. Do an internet search for "adult safeguarding" and your local Area name to get contact details.

HappyAgainOneDay · 29/06/2014 10:08

Could she possible have gone through his papers while she was looking after his dog at his house? Is anything missing?

I'm very sorry for the double worry you have (a) your father's health and (b) the girl 'friend'.

Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2014 10:11

This isn't going to be easy.

Just protect your Dad as much as you can and don't enable him to become a victim.

He is lonely, scared and vulnerable, like any possible DV victim, but this goes beyond DV, she has picked her target, pre relationship, it is pre planned.

As I said, I've had experience if these people and so will all of the Hospital/Help the Aged/Police as well.

Don't give in to your Dad and stay silent. It won't help.

Stengor · 29/06/2014 10:11

He changed the locks when the keys were stolen, but she was in house for two days with the new keys. She wasn't expecting us to suggest that she might like to go home and we turned up on a Saturday evening and drove her home Sunday morning, so we don't know whether she had time to get copies of the new keys. But we should just change the locks again anyway. This is all such a huge worry. Sis and I both have families and live 30 mins away, so school runs etc would be difficult if we stayed with him (my youngest is only 9), although we would visit him every day (as we have done in hospital which is over an hour away).

OP posts:
Famzilla · 29/06/2014 10:12

My GFIL went through something similar, the woman (and her sons) ended up being prosecuted as he was not the only one they were scamming. It got very nasty, and she only stopped coming back once FIL got power of attourney over GFILS estate, banks etc. Is this something you would consider as a temporary measure?

Not really sure of the ins & outs of it legally but maybe get your dad to hand over all bank cards, books etc for the time being. Any chance he could stay with you or you with him for a while? Maybe between your whole family you could do some sort of rotation.

Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2014 10:13

"Do an internet search for "adult safeguarding" and your local Area name to get contact details."

The hospitals SW can instigate this right away.

So can the staff, it's always part of a returning home assessment for older people, if needed.

This isn't an uncommon occurrence, sadly.

OwlCapone · 29/06/2014 10:18

Definitely change the locks again. I would also check the house thoroughly for missing stuff.

Stengor · 29/06/2014 10:18

Birdsgottafly I'm convinced too that she has picked her target well. We only just found out that she is friends with someone who works in his local building society where he holds substantial sums of money. He also owns his 4 bed detached house. Fortunately, he obviously didn't trust her that much and hid all of his bank books away from her in a rather good hiding place. He was really concerned that she had stolen these and asked us to check. Everything is still there.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 29/06/2014 10:20

I'm not sure about the phone, but I'm pretty sure you can. Give bt (or whoever) a call.

I do think that you need to explain to your dad that this woman is dangerous and had targeted him. Would it help to tell him she has upset you too? He needs to realise he is the victim of someone targeting him to take his possessions. As a pp said, she is an addict, giving her money is enabling that. Even if he paid for food, that just means she has more spare cash for booze.

He needs to realise that if you have to defend yourself against a friend, they are not a friend.

If he's strong enough, you may need to be very blunt. As long as you can be certain this won't drive him towards her.

Even if he doesn't want you to arrange power of attorney, could you both maybe tell her that you have? If she thinks you have control over all the money, she may vanish.

Stengor · 29/06/2014 10:22

Famzilla the hospital suggested power of attorney, especially as he is now showing signs of dementia. Saw him 3 days before he was admitted and he had forgotten that a family member and another friend had passed away. Since the op, his memory has worsened and at times he is very confused. Sis and I would find it v. difficult to broach the subject with my dad. In our family, talking about money is not the done thing. It would feel as though we were trying to take advantage of him. I know power of attorney makes total sense, just not sure I could ask!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 29/06/2014 10:22

Xpost, so he knows she would steal from him but still thinks they can be friends? That's very odd. I don't want to make any suppositions about what she might be doing to buy that friendship, but I would be concerned he's so unwilling to protect himself when he knows what she is like.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 29/06/2014 10:25

Stengor, if dementia is present then you really need to think about sorting POA sooner rather than later. I know it's difficult to broach, but if you have all the facts, and talk with dsis too, you could reassure him that his money is still his to do with as he wants, and you couldn't do anything with it that wasn't in his best interests.

Stengor · 29/06/2014 10:25

Owlcapone I think everything is there, but it would be a good idea to go around and take photos before he comes back. She was asking him about the value of his paintings some time ago. Luckily he was smart enough to tell her that they are worthless.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 29/06/2014 10:26

Does he still have any of your mother's jewellery about the house?

OwlCapone · 29/06/2014 10:26

Xpost.

I'd be very concerned.

Montybojangles · 29/06/2014 10:26

birdsgotafly the op has already said that the hospital nurse responsible for safeguarding issues has been informed. I do think that multiple reports of concern are No bad thing. Though services are improving in their sharing of information regarding vulnerable adults (or children) things do still sometimes sadly get missed. The more concerns raised, the less likely something will be missed. I would personally rather be the tenth person to raise a concern, than just assume something had been done correctly by someone else.

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