AIBU to think she's picked this up from her friend?

[PaintedLady2014]

My DD is 3. She has never bitten, been spiteful or violent at all...until recently. Now she is not perfect by any means...she whinges a lot...is very demanding and likes things RIGHT NOW. But what 3 year old isn't like that.

I correct behaviour where I can, I encourage her to express her emotions so I can teach her how to deal with them in the best way possible.

In the last couple of weeks she has started hitting another child. Me and her Mum are friends so they play together a lot. It really concerns me as I really don't want to have a child who is spiteful so I discipline her as best I can and always make her apologise if she has hit out. I personally don't smack, neither does her Dad.

Her friend also hits and sometimes she will come to me and say my DD has hit her even though I've been watching them and I know she's lying (this girl is 6 months older which is quite a big difference at that age).

I really don't know how to deal with this. If I ask her (My DD) "Did you just hit X" she will say "Yes". If I ask why she says "because I did". I explain that you don't hit because it's not nice and make her say sorry, which she always does. I don't think she' physically developed enough to lie. I've spoken to the Mum and she seems to think it's all my DD's fault and she is starting it. I spoke to her nursery (they both go to the same one) as I was worried she'd been doing it to other children or she had it done to her. Her key worker was genuinely surprised and said she'd never done it there.

I really don't want to fall out with my friend over this, sorry not an AIBU, more a WWYD.

She is old enough to lie, my DS does and he is 3! I think you need to have more of a consequence than just saying sorry eg a one minute time out. Like all things it will turn out to be a phase but you will have to watch her like a hawk until she is through it. Also, if watching like a hawk you might be able to work out what is goning on a bit more.

Why would you fall out with your friend over this?

Yes, she could well have picked it up from her friend

But even if she has, what now?

It's all part of being 3

I do give a time out, I will make her sit on her own away from everything if she hits, and then say sorry after (sorry, not drip feeding).

I guess I just compare her to her friend. If I ask her friend if she's done something naughty she will think about it say "nooo" looking all innocent. If I ask DD she will just flat out admit it every time even if she knows she'll get in trouble.

I'm really not trying to make out my DD is perfect or better than any other child, I'm just stuck how to deal with it.

If she's getting hit, then I can understand why she would do it, even thought it's wrong and I do punish. I can't control what the other child does.

WorraLiberty - my friend is quite sensitive about her parenting. She's also been a parent much longer than me (she has more than one child) so if I make suggestions or bring things up I get the impression she thinks I don't know what I'm talking about.

She is my first so I'm genuinely wanting to know how to deal with what I would have guessed is normal 3 year old behaviour.

I agree with Worra, even if she has picked it up from the friend I don't think it really matters tbh. Hitting, and biting, and other unsavoury behaviours are quite normal for kids to try out at some point or other, aren't they? What matters is dealing with it. Sorry though but I've no advice to give.

Ok I get what you mean

My advice is firstly not to worry about who she's picked it up from. That is irrelevant because if she didn't pick it up from your friend's DD, she would probably pick it up from another child at Nursery. Also, your friend's DD probably picked it up from another child to begin with...so blame really isn't important.

Your child tells the truth now but may learn to lie in the future, like her friend because it's all part of small children learning boundaries/what they can get away with.

Just watch them as much as possible and re-enforce the rules...that they must play nicely and stop hitting/upsetting each other.

If the other child lies and says your child pushed her, tell her you know that's not true (if you're 100% sure) because you were watching.

There's little you can do except keep up the continuity and wait for the phase to pass.

She is very much old enough to lie at 3.

OK thanks Worra

I'm not saying a child her age CAN'T lie...I'm just saying from what I know of my DD I would be incredibly surprised if she did. Please don't think I'm trying to pass blame or clear my child of any wrong-doing, because I'm not. I know her faults, she can play me like a fiddle believe me.

I guess I phrased this as a clumsy AIBU when really I just wanted advice on how to deal.

Worra's advice seems good. I'm also a first time mum and my daughter is younger than your's so I don't feel fit to give advice, but I do think consistency and reinforcing the rules will pay off eventually.

It doesn't matter where she learned it from. She needs to know it's not ok to hit or bite.

If the other girl comes up and lies I'd just tell her "we don't tell lies" and then refuse to engage further. Kids tattle at that age to go on a bit of a power trip. They also lie for the same reason.

But the kids are 3. If you lose your friend over this, she's an idiot for letting her life be dictated by a toddler.

I don't think a 3 year old hitting or telling tales or whatever is spiteful. They are just doing what they feel like without being aware of the effects on others feelings. It is important to teach them we don't hit, but don't assume that it is a sign of bad character.

Some kids learn to lie earlier than others, but they mostly all try lies at some point eventually...just to see if it can get them out of a predicament.

I've got 3 DCs. DS1 was a bare faced liar up until Junior school when he finally realised that lying just got him punished twice...once for the offence and once for the lies.

DS2 was (and still is, at age 15) the most truthful...but even he tried his luck around age 3 or 4yrs.

DS3 tells white lies occasionally but he's so shit at it, even he has learnt to tell the truth rather than embarrass himself

But it's all fairly normal childhood behaviour.

Also make sure you mention it when you see them playing well together and being gentle or using words if there is a problem not hitting.

Thanks everyone. I feel I came across all wrong in my OP. I wasn't trying to say my DD would never lie or anything.

I guess me and my friends have VERY different styles of parenting and I often wonder if I'm doing things wrong.

If her DD hits mine then she's smacked and put straight to bed....so my DD sees that. Whereas if she hits, then I will put her in "time out" and explain why it's wrong while expecting an apology. I don't like smacking, it's just not a method that would occur to me, although I'm not judging others who do it.

Not saying either way is right or wrong, but I do question my methods a lot, and especially if my DD is suddenly being violent when she never had been before.

I try and encourage and reaffirm good behaviour livelablove....it's just hard when sometimes they argue over literally nothing. "The sky is blue!" "No it isn't!" "Yes it is!!" "NO IT ISN'T!" "YEEESSSS IT IIIIIISSS!!!"

Ad infinitum...

I agree with you about spanking. I dont even like timeouts. I am a bit alternative I think it is enough to express strong disapproval and have them make amends if possible.

Questioning yourself and wondering whether you're doing it all wrong is normal I think, or at least I hope it is because that's what I'm always worrying about too

There has so many different parenting styles, I think the best thing to do is read as much as you can, listen to as many opinions as possible, and then go with what feels right to you. Parenting against your nature is just a recipe for disaster imo.

Don't doubt your parenting style. Stick to it, it sounds like a good way to be.

My friend's DD is 6 months older than my DS and when they were 3 and 3.5yrs, some of their squabbles drove us insane...because sometimes they would both be right.

For example they had a massive row over her bike.

My DS insisted it was called a bicycle, while she insisted it was called a bike...they both screamed blue murder over it for ages

Also if you go with time outs you might like to read up about time ins (I'm also a bit alternative).

If she's "naughty" I just basically say "stop doing that"....then "do that again and this will happen"...and then if she continues I'll just pick her up and sit her down away from whatever it is she was doing for a minute or so.

I also find the "one.....two....THREE!!!" method works as well.

Thanks so much, nice to know my methods aren't totally alien

Yeah you have to try a few things out and see what works for you and your dc all kids and parents are different.

That's very true livelablove

Even parents of more than one child have to adapt their parenting style to suit sometimes.

What works as a punishment/deterrent for one child, doesn't always work for the others.

I think I just sometimes feel inadequate because she will say "Oh you should do this and then she won't do that...you should just ignore her etc"

But her children aren't any better behaved than mine....they both have faults (as all PEOPLE do).

My dd is 3.5 and met her "first best friend" at playgroup when they were 7 and 8 months old, my dd being the eldest, us mums became really good friends too.
We used to talk about them starting nursery, school etc together but I chose to send my dd to a different nursery to effectively "separate" them.
My friend is very liberal and has few rules regarding dd who rules the roost. She only has to scream/cry/whine and she gets her own way.
Last year, completely unprovoked, she bit my dd on her arm very hard, I was mortified, friends excuse" she's tired" this happened more than once.
My dd still refers to the park where it happened as "the park where x bit me" I worried in case my dd would bite somebody too.
My dd behaviour is completely different when she is with this little girl, they run away, ignore us etc and she's not like this with any of her other friends.
I adore dd friend and believe that she's like this because she is passed from pillar to post, her mum goes out a lot and she's desperate for attention.
The friendship between us has changed since I chose a different nursery for my dd but I'm glad I did, my dd is settled with lots of friends and I have no issues with her behaviour other than her being a typical 3 year old madam!
We don't see much of friend and her dd and I find that sad but didn't like the way my dd changed when she was with her.